DEAR ABBY: Thirty-five years ago, my wife was raped in her mother's home when she was a teenager. Eight years ago, my daughter was also raped at the age of 11 in the same home. My mother-in-law blames them both for having been raped. She told them if it did happen, they probably deserved it.

I don't understand this. How can someone take the side of the perpetrator and not their own flesh and blood? How can someone who is supposed to be nurturing, loving and caring say such terrible things to her children?

I want to call her up and give her a piece of my mind, especially since both of them are passive when it comes to this woman. Can they file a lawsuit against her for mental anguish? Help! I want to help them heal from this tragedy, and I don't know what to do. -- DISTRAUGHT DAD IN TEXAS

DEAR DISTRAUGHT: It is not unusual for families to circle the wagons when this kind of sexual assault occurs, or to blame the victim. That is why the damage persists from generation to generation. It's clear that your wife's mother is either in denial or without shame.

If the perpetrator isn't in prison or a program for sex offenders, the person you should talk to is a detective in the police force in the city where these sexual assaults happened. If your wife and daughter haven't received counseling for the assaults (and I'm betting they haven't), they should find some now.

The victims didn't "deserve" being assaulted. Counseling may help them get in touch with their anger, aim it where it belongs, and finally release it along with their passivity -- which may really be fear of expressing their emotions.

DEAR ABBY: My wife's first husband died of cancer. When we got engaged years later, she decided to keep his last name (partly in regard to her daughters) and add mine to it. She continues to display some photos of him around the house and maintains her plan to be buried with him at their common gravesite.

Whoever thinks I must be jealous or resentful about this would be wrong. I haven't experienced a long marriage, raising children or nursing a terminally ill spouse for years. Instead of demanding that my wife "prove her love" by ignoring her history, I prove my love for her -- in part -- by deferring to her choices.

Soon after our wedding we learned that I, too, had cancer. My case was treatable and I am now cured, thanks to God in heaven and my wife's tender care.

We once knew someone who couldn't bear to think of his wife's ever marrying after his death. He pleaded, badgered and practically forced her to vow she wouldn't. So this is my message for men who are jealous about a deceased or hypothetical "rival": That is your own choice and it disgraces you. Grow out of it. Be a man and love your wife while you both live. -- LATECOMER IN PASCO, WASH.

DEAR LATECOMER: Your wife is one lucky woman because she married an intelligent and pragmatic man. I hope you enjoy many more happy, healthy years together.

DEAR ABBY: I am a retired widower. After my wife died, my first cousin "Julia" invited me to visit her in Florida over the winter. She's seven years my junior, divorced, lives alone and is a successful Realtor. We had a good time during the two months I was there.

The next summer I invited Julia to my home. We had a great time together, but then she had to return to Florida for business. I visited her last winter and one evening while relaxing and watching a movie, we became intimate. It seemed so natural. After that, I moved from the guest room into hers.

Julia is now contemplating retirement. We are planning for me to sell my home and move in with her. We are not thinking about marriage or commingling our funds and assets. Our legal documents are in order.

Abby, what would you suggest we say to our children, other relatives or anyone else who inquires about our relationship? We have enjoyed each other's company so much. We just want to grow older together. -- KISSING COUSIN

DEAR COUSIN: No announcements are necessary. If you are asked, just smile and say you are both happy, healthy and enjoying each other's company. Eventually, they'll get the picture.

DEAR ABBY: I found my birth parents 18 years ago. I always knew I had an older sister. The parents who adopted me are both gone now. They were great parents.

Now that I have reconnected with my birth mom and siblings, I have a large family -- two sisters and two brothers. I have a great relationship with my baby sister; it's like we're twins. The problem is, the older sister demands to be the center of attention all the time.

I have tried to understand her, but every time we get together we end up mad at each other. It's like she thinks I'm trying to take her place in the family, which I'm not.

I enjoy spending time with my baby sister, but we can't spend much time together because she lives in another state and it's hard for either of us to travel. When I do get to go there, the older one makes it so unpleasant that I don't even want to go. How can I get over this or care less about her crap? Thanks! -- MIDDLE SISTER IN THE WEST

DEAR MIDDLE SISTER: You might care less about your older sister's "attitude" if you understand she behaves that way because she may be feeling threatened. By being nasty she's trying to protect her turf. That you and the younger one have bonded "like twins" makes her feel excluded. Try to resent her less, sympathize more, and make her feel included. However, if that doesn't work, see less of her so she can't ruin the visit.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 17-year-old girl and a senior in high school. My parents and I (more my mom and I) have struggled with the topic of "respect" for a long time. We had a discussion about this earlier today and it led to arguing and tears.

She constantly says, "To earn respect, you must give it," and I agree 100 percent. The problem is, she doesn't believe that she and Dad should live by that -- just me. She feels that no matter how upset or annoyed I might get by something rude she or Dad says, I don't have the right to talk back.

What upsets me is they talk rude to me all the time! How can you expect your kid not to do something when they do it as parents all the time?! Do parents have the right to talk rude if they want and expect their kids to be perfect little angels? Please help. -- NEEDS RESPECT

DEAR NEEDS RESPECT: Parents should model the behavior they want from their children. Sometimes it's difficult not to react and say something impulsive (rude), but that doesn't mean that parents -- and teenagers -- shouldn't make every effort to be polite.

A step in the right direction would be to say, "When you do that, it makes me feel ..." Try it, and you may get a better reaction from your mom and dad.

DEAR ABBY: My son is 8 and lost his dad a year ago. His dad was never very involved in his life, even though our son begged for his attention. His dad's sister, "Jillian," is a children's coach and very tough and hardcore. She has tried to have a relationship with my son, but he is pulling away from her and doesn't want to do anything with her.

When she asks to do something with him, he refuses. I have tried to prevent friction by telling her we already have plans. It finally came to a head when she accused me of trying to keep him from his dad's family. When I told her the truth, that her personality is too strong for my son, she replied that it's not a good enough reason.

Jillian is an alcoholic. She drinks no matter what time of day it is, so I'm OK with the idea that my son doesn't want to go anywhere with her. How do I handle this? -- TRYING TO PREVENT FRICTION

DEAR TRYING: When Jillian approaches you again, be as upfront with her about your own reason for not wanting your son to be with her as you were about his. You are right to worry about his safety because he would be at risk if he rode with a person who "drinks no matter what time of day it is." And don't let anyone talk you out of it.