DEAR ABBY: My oldest son came to me nine months ago asking my opinion. He wanted to donate sperm to a black lesbian couple (for a fee) so they could have a biracial child. He told me he needed the money. I told him I didn't approve because they are lesbians. (Sorry, I'll be bashed for that statement, but I have to be honest.)

I have a biracial 10-year-old son, so race isn't the issue. Had it been a heterosexual couple of any race, I would have been OK. However, what I told him was that if he gives up his rights to the child, I, too, won't have grandparents' rights. I broke down in tears when he told me all this.

Yesterday I received a picture of a newborn. It turns out my son donated his sperm knowing how I feel about homosexuality. I have tried hard to always be there for my children, letting them know I love them and doing the best a single mother could do for them. I feel I must have failed horribly in bringing him up to be a better man.

I cannot, in our home state, fight for grandparents' rights since he has relinquished his rights. I am even more hurt that he would share a picture of my grandson knowing my opinion, and I feel horribly disrespected. Am I being overly sensitive? Should I just let all of this go? -- DISRESPECTED IN THE SOUTH

DEAR DISRESPECTED: What's done is done. Your son's sperm is his to do with as he wishes. His mistake was in asking your opinion and letting you see the picture. Because of your deep-seated bias against gay couples, I assume you weren't planning on having contact with the baby anyway, because overcoming your intolerance would have been necessary.

Your son is an adult, and your blessing was not required. If you continue to hang onto this, it may destroy your relationship with your son, so let it go.

DEAR ABBY: My husband had an affair and a child with a married woman before we were together. They agreed to let her husband raise the boy as if he were his biological son. I didn't agree with it.

We have a daughter together who is two years younger than the boy. They will be going to the same middle school next year. Our daughter is very sociable and likes meeting new people. I'm afraid that they will meet and be attracted to each other, not knowing they have the same father. Do I say something now, or wait and hope my worst fear does not become reality? -- KEEPING A BIG SECRET

DEAR KEEPING: Say something now. While there is no guarantee they will be attracted to each other, they should be told they have a half-sibling.

DEAR ABBY: My 29-year-old brother died suddenly last month. It was completely unexpected. He left behind a wife and 1-year-old son.

Although they lived across the country, she allowed us to bring him home for his funeral and burial. I took care of a lot of the arrangements on this end, while she took care of things there and made travel arrangements.

At 26, I never expected to be planning a funeral! But it has made me realize how unprepared I was for any unforeseen event. Please remind your young readers that it's never too early to take care of some basic plans, including a will. As a single mother, I know how unprepared I was if something should happen to me. While it's not a pleasant thought, it's tougher on the survivors if nothing is in place. When it comes to mortality, it's better to be practical and prepared. -- STILL GRIEVING, BUT NOW PREPARED

DEAR STILL GRIEVING: Please accept my sympathy for the untimely loss of your brother. I can only imagine how shocking this has been for your family.

Mortality isn't a subject that younger people usually dwell on. But if they want what they have to be distributed according to their wishes, or if there are children involved, it's important to put their wishes in writing regardless of their age.

Readers: This includes what you would or would not like done if you can't speak for yourself. Do you want to be on artificial life support if there is no hope for your recovery? How do you feel about becoming an organ donor? Put it in writing!

I read recently about a young woman whose family learned only after her tragic death that she wanted to be an organ donor. Fortunately, they found out BEFORE the funeral.

DEAR ABBY: "Don" and I have been married for 44 years, and our marriage has had its ups and downs. We are now both retired. The problem is that Don does not get along with our 43-year-old son, "Chris." (He gets along fine with our two daughters.)

Don and Chris have very different personalities and little in common. Chris lives abroad but visits frequently and stays with us. During his most recent visit, his father was distant and rude to him. It has happened before and is hurtful to Chris and to me.

I have tried speaking with my husband about it, but he never has a good reason for his behavior. When my mother heard what happened, she got angry and said if I don't divorce Don, she doesn't want to see either of us again. Please help me. I don't know what to do. -- HURT BADLY IN OREGON

DEAR HURT BADLY: After 40 years of marriage, you should have learned by now not to confide your problems in your mother. That your husband seems incapable of tolerating his son because of "personality differences" is regrettable, but hardly a cause for divorce at this point.

If Chris stayed in a hotel during his visits rather than your home, it would provide less opportunity for confrontation, and you both might enjoy the visits more. I hope you will consider it.

DEAR ABBY: I met a man eight years ago who has become everything to me. We see each other weekly and discuss life, work, home and more. We are both married to other people.

Our relationship is not only emotional but also physical. We are secretive about our relationship only with our children -- we appear in public together, and my spouse knows about it. Many people at our regular venues comment on how much in love we seem to be. A few of my friends are privy to our relationship and wonder when we're leaving our spouses to be together.

My question is: Can't it just be OK to be happy with what we have? We enjoy the times we have traveled, talked and loved. I am virtually ignored by my spouse, as is he. The time he has been in my life is the happiest I have ever been. But I don't want more.

It's hard to explain. People think I'm in denial, but I'm not. He has issues I wouldn't want full time, as I suppose everyone does, and I wouldn't want to ruin what we have. Thoughts? -- PART-TIME LOVER

DEAR PART-TIME: You and your lover have "an arrangement" that seems to work not only for you, but also for your spouses. It's unconventional, to put it mildly. Because you are so open about it, I'm surprised your children haven't caught wind of it by now. My question to you would be what you and this man plan to do when they find out, because I don't think you can keep them in the dark forever.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I are friends with a couple we have known for many years. When the four of us eat together, it's obvious to me that the husband directs the conversation toward my wife. Even when the topic is general in nature, his eye contact is with her to the point where it makes me uncomfortable. On a cruise last year, when we ate together regularly, I intentionally sat across from him and, sure enough, he talked diagonally across the table to my wife.

I have always made a conscious effort in mixed company to direct the majority of my conversation toward my male counterpart and not his wife. I feel that it's more appropriate. I really don't think there is any threat from him, maybe just bad manners on his part. How should I handle this? Should I ignore it, or make him aware of it? -- BOTHERED BY IT IN ALABAMA

DEAR BOTHERED: If there is a rule of etiquette covering this, I have never heard of it. You have two choices -- continue to ignore it and let it bother you, or ask him why he does it. He may be doing it unconsciously because he finds your wife to be an interesting conversationalist.

DEAR ABBY: My husband has been wearing a T-shirt with a picture of a tombstone and the caption "Married and Buried" on the front. I have asked him repeatedly not to wear it because it hurts my feelings, but he only laughs and says it's just a gag. What do I do? -- OFFENDED IN FLORIDA

DEAR OFFENDED: Because your husband persists in doing something he knows hurts your feelings, I can't blame you for feeling offended. While I'm tempted to advise you to have a T-shirt made that reads "Married to an Insensitive Clod" and wear it when he puts his on, I think you'd be better off simply ignoring him when he does it. Eventually he'll quit wearing it when the novelty wears off.