DEAR ABBY: I've been estranged from my three siblings, their spouses and their families for 35 years -- my choice. There has been no correspondence, and I have seen them only at our parents' funerals.

Since we are all in our 80s, I anticipate there will be funerals for us in the next decade. If I go first, there is no problem. However, I'm considering not attending their funerals or those of their spouses. My grown children say I MUST attend because I'm their brother. I'm concerned that I might be a distraction or there could be a confrontation. Besides, I still remember what caused my estrangement and I just don't want to see them. I know I'm stubborn, but am I wrong? -- TO GO OR NOT TO GO

DEAR GO OR NO: I disagree with your children. People attend funerals to pay their respects to the deceased and/or comfort the family who has suffered the loss. If, after 35 years, you show up at the funeral, you could, indeed, be a distraction -- unless it has been so long that nobody recognizes you.

DEAR ABBY: Is it wrong to have no interest in grandchildren? My wife is five years older than I am and she's elated with our new grandchild. I'm only 42 and I feel I'm too young to be a "Gramps." I prefer to be free from kid activities and enjoy my adult pursuits.

I have raised children for the last 20-plus years and I think it's my stepdaughter's turn to be a parent. My wife is all gung ho to watch the grandchild anytime she's free, but I'm not interested at all.

Am I wrong for wanting my own time and space with my wife? -- TOO YOUNG FOR IT IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR TOO YOUNG: No law says you must baby-sit if you don't want to. Not everyone enjoys the company of small children. If your wife enjoys doing it, that's her privilege. However, if the baby-sitting is interfering with your marriage, then you're complaining to the wrong woman, and the two of you need to work out a compromise on which you can both agree.

DEAR ABBY: I have very long hair and I'm proud of it. I have worn my hair long ever since I was a little girl. My problem is when I go somewhere, other women come up to me and start touching it.

I understand that they like my hair because they always compliment me on it, but I hate it when strangers touch me. Apparently, people have forgotten the concept of "personal space."

How can I tell someone -- without sounding rude -- to please not touch me? Or must I just keep quiet and tolerate it with a smile? -- RAPUNZEL IN DALLAS

DEAR RAPUNZEL: Not everyone enjoys being touched, particularly by strangers. If someone reaches out to pet you, smile, step back and say, "I'd prefer you not do that." You have a right to your personal space. As long as you say it in a pleasant but firm tone, no one has the right to be offended. And if someone is, refrain from making it your problem.

DEAR ABBY: I've been with my fiance for three years and I'm very much in love. A few months ago I asked to use his phone to look up something on the Internet because my battery had died. It opened up to a gay porn site! I was shocked and asked him if it was something he was looking at. He admitted that it was.

Nothing like this has happened to me before, so I began asking if that's what he likes and is into. He assured me the answer was no. He said he looked because he was simply curious about it. He told me he loves women and doesn't want to be with men. He said he was just looking.

I believe him, but is this normal behavior? -- WEIRDED OUT IN THE WEST

DEAR WEIRDED OUT: I took your question to an expert on the subject of adult entertainment viewing, Larry Flynt. He said that while CURIOSITY is normal, not many heterosexual men make a habit of viewing gay male porn sites. He added that if your fiance is a regular consumer of this kind of entertainment, he may have latent homosexual tendencies.

I then consulted Jack Drescher, M.D., a psychoanalyst and expert on gender and sexuality, who told me that some people fantasize about people of the same sex, but never act on it. According to Dr. Drescher, what is important is that you and your fiance are able to talk about sex honestly and openly. If you need more assurances, continue this discussion so that you both will know what you're getting if your betrothal leads to marriage.

DEAR ABBY: My husband of 40 years is a smoker. I am not, but have learned to live with the smell, etc. Most of the time he smokes outside, except in winter, when he opens the bathroom window, smokes his cigarette, puts it out in the toilet and disposes of the butt in the trash can.

He has begun a new behavior that is really bothering me. When he wakes up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, he'll light up a cigarette, take a few puffs and then put it out and return to bed. When he gets back in our bed, he stinks! And he coughs and coughs.

I try not to nag him about his smoking, but I'd really like to bring this up. Any suggestions on how? -- IN A STINK IN ALASKA

DEAR IN A STINK: If your husband can't sleep through the night without smoking, it should be obvious to you that your husband is seriously addicted to nicotine. How sad for him. Suggest that he keep a pack of nicotine gum in the medicine cabinet and chew it rather than light up before he returns to bed. That may solve your problem.

DEAR ABBY: We rented a house for my companion's sibling reunion. During a conversation over breakfast, one sister became extremely upset with another sister for inserting herself into the conversation. I tried to make light of the situation and remarked to the offended sister that in a social gathering at a table, conversations are not private, but open and shared with others. She disagreed and insisted I was wrong. Have I been rude all of my life? Please settle this for us. -- CURIOUS IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR CURIOUS: You have not been rude all your life. However, in this case you were foolish to put yourself in the middle of a sibling conflict -- one that has probably been going on since the sisters were children. The next time it happens -- and it will -- pretend that you are Switzerland and remain neutral.

DEAR ABBY: I need some relationship advice. How do you handle household expenses with a partner?

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for 10 years. In all this time, he has never once split any of the expenses with me. I pay for everything. He does buy groceries, although not all of them. He also helps around the house and with my daughter.

If I bring up the issue of sharing expenses, it turns into a fight. He says he's "sorry" he doesn't make enough money. Then he says all that matters to me is money and threatens to move out.

I feel completely taken advantage of because he DOES have the money to make $300-plus monthly payments for his new boat that's sitting in my garage. To me it's all about priorities. I would like a new car, but I have other monthly bills to pay.

Is it just me, or is this unfair? -- UP TO HERE WITH IT IN SOUTH DAKOTA

DEAR UP TO HERE: It's not just you. You have been carrying the lion's share of the load. But unless you are finally ready to insist upon a new arrangement with this man -- who has had it pretty good for the last 10 YEARS -- nothing will change.

It's time to ask yourself whether what he does contribute -- on every level -- is enough to satisfy you. If it isn't, be prepared to tell him you need to find an equal partner, and if he's unwilling to be that person, he should move.

DEAR ABBY: Four years ago I had major affection for a man. We talked every chance we could. We arranged times we could sit together and just talk. There was lots of flirting, eye contact, and this overwhelming feeling of bliss -- butterflies in the stomach -- all of that.

The problem was he was married. Once I realized it, I was devastated because I understood what I wanted could never be. I feel so lost. I'm now considering going to counseling.

I still hear from others that he mentions me or says he misses me, but this is old news. Now there's someone else, and it's the same problem -- just a different setting.

I feel so guilty for crushing on unattainable men. What's wrong with me? Why can't I like someone who is available? I've liked guys my own age before, and ones who were single, but there's something exciting about older unavailable men.

I don't want to feel this way, but I know that when I try to fight these feelings they just become stronger. I won't act on them, but I wish I could change them. How can I? -- FEELING GUILTY IN OHIO

DEAR FEELING GUILTY: The quickest way to do that would be to talk about these feelings with a licensed mental health professional. When you do, be prepared to touch on all of your relationships with men, including your father -- who is usually the first "unattainable" man with whom a little girl falls in love. I am pretty sure you will find that conversation illuminating.

Once you understand your feelings, it may be easier for you to find a man who is truly available -- if a relationship beyond a mad flirtation is what you really want, that is.