DEAR ABBY: A foreign friend used the "n" word while commenting about an employee at a hotel we were staying in. After he said it a second time, I slapped him and told him that word was never acceptable, regardless of the reason.

I feel bad about hitting him, but entirely justified in motive and intent. I really can't think of another, more effective way of registering how offended I am in a situation like this. Should I apologize? Should it be a qualified apology?

I tried to explain the complex racial history of the U.S. and why the word was so hurtful, but he seemed disinclined to understand. What is the right way to react in such a situation? -- ANONYMOUS IN THE USA

DEAR ANONYMOUS: You should not have let the first remark go without speaking up. The right way to respond to the person's racist comment would have been to say that it offended you and you would prefer not to hear that kind of language from him again. Physical violence is not the correct way to get a point across.

If you must associate with this person, apologize for flying off the handle. Otherwise, avoid him.

DEAR ABBY: I'm in love with two men. My husband, "Victor," and I have been together for nine years and were married last year. The other man in my life, "Wade," was my boss, and we've been seeing each other for two years.

They are polar opposites and make me happy in different ways. I was engaged and planning my wedding when Wade and I started our relationship. I chose to marry Victor for emotional stability and because we had built a life together. I can't imagine a life without him. At the same time, I can't imagine not being with Wade.

If I stop seeing Wade, I know I won't be happy and he'll always be on my mind. I will always wonder about what could have been. If I divorce my husband, I'll break his heart, and it won't be easy.

Last week Wade demanded that I decide between him and my husband. He wants an exclusive relationship with me. I'm in a panic because I can't decide, but I know I will lose Wade if I don't do it soon. I need advice because I don't know which way to go. -- STUCK AT A CROSSROADS IN FLORIDA

DEAR STUCK: You chose to marry Victor because you wanted emotional stability, and you had built a life together. Obviously, that isn't enough for you, or you wouldn't be cheating with Wade. If what you really want is a marriage filled with passion, tumult and the possibility of infidelity, by all means choose your former boss. That way, you won't be bored, and Victor will then be free to find a loving, faithful wife who appreciates what he has to offer.

DEAR ABBY: No matter what I do, I am never satisfied. I have a great wife and two great kids, and yet I always feel like I could have done better with my life. I go to work and no matter how hard I work, I feel like I never get recognition for it. When I go out with friends, we have a great time, but I never feel like I am really part of the group. I feel like the outcast who gets invited just so they won't feel bad.

I don't know why I feel this way. I do suffer from depression and have spoken to a specialist. People often tell me that I spread myself too thin and never relax enough to enjoy my success. But how can I relax when I always feel unsatisfied with my efforts? -- JUST NOT SATISFIED

DEAR NOT SATISFIED: A way to do that would be to start by examining why you are so hard on yourself. Whether it was caused by parents who didn't give you the validation you needed while growing up or a lack of self-esteem, until you understand why you are hurting yourself this way, your problem won't be resolved. You say you have spoken to "a specialist" about your depression. Perhaps it's time for another visit and a chat about what's really bothering you.

DEAR ABBY: Years ago when I was married, I bought a beautiful two-carat solitaire ring as a sign of my accomplishment at work. Now that I'm divorced, I continue to wear the ring on my wedding ring finger.

I love the ring, but my mother and friends say I am chasing away suitors who mistake it for an engagement ring. Do you agree with them? I don't want to wear this on any other finger and have no plans to give it up. -- STUBBORN IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR STUBBORN: I agree with your mother and your friends that what you're doing sends a wrong message. When a woman wears a diamond on the third finger of her left hand in this culture, it means that she's not available. Nowhere have I ever heard that it signifies that she's successful at work.

However, I am puzzled about one thing: Can you please explain, since you refuse to wear the ring on another finger or give it up, why you are asking me for advice?

DEAR ABBY: My husband talks out loud and carries on conversations with himself. Sometimes when I'm in another room, I hear him talking, and I think he must be on the phone or that someone is here.

One time he was outside and speaking so loudly I thought a neighbor had dropped by, so I asked him which one. He admitted he was only talking to himself.

Is this a brain disorder, and is there a name for it? -- CURIOUS IN THE EAST

DEAR CURIOUS: I don't think it's a brain disorder, so quit worrying. When I do this -- and I admit that I sometimes do -- and my husband mentions it, I tell him I'm talking to the person who understands me the best. (If it was something to worry about, I would probably have been certified long ago.)

P.S. If this bothers you, ask him to speak more softly.

DEAR ABBY: I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend, "Allison," for two years, but lately there have been frequent rough patches. I'm 18 and a college student. I love Allison, but the relationship is taking a toll on us physically and emotionally.

We have had to deal with separation ever since we got together. She's the only one with a car and a "real" job. I work on campus in a work-study program in exchange for reduced tuition. I try to help Allison as much as I can to reduce the stress on her.

She has asked me to transfer schools, but I'd like to stay where I am because I feel I will have the ability to make something of myself. I have suggested that maybe we need to go our separate ways so she doesn't have to pull the majority of the weight, but she gets upset and accuses me of not loving her. What should I do? -- STRESSED STUDENT IN GEORGIA

DEAR STUDENT: First let me suggest what NOT to do. Do not allow Allison to pressure you into changing schools. It is important that you complete your education, and there is no guarantee that the financial arrangement you have with this school can be replicated somewhere else.

You and Allison are young, and long-distance relationships are often hard to maintain. That she is carrying the lion's share of the load right now is unfortunate, but it won't last forever. If she's unwilling to accept that, then I agree that perhaps it's time for the two of you to take a break.

DEAR ABBY: Years ago, I wrote to your mother about the many difficulties and stress of raising a very disabled son. Her advice gave me and my wife much needed encouragement. I keep her framed handwritten letter above my desk.

Our son passed away unexpectedly 17 months ago. Our family, neighbors and community gave us lots of support. Our son was loved by all. But for the past few months, it seems as if it is taboo for anyone to ask about how we are doing. Even if I mention our son in the context of a conversation, there is no follow-up.

I can understand people may be reluctant to open up a sorrow. However, I want to let them know it is OK to ask, "How are you doing?" I won't hold them hostage to a long, maudlin discourse. It just would be nice if people would still acknowledge his life and that we all still miss him. -- ALWAYS HIS DAD IN COLORADO

DEAR DAD: I am glad you wrote because you are not alone in having this heartache. As a general rule, people are uncomfortable bringing up the subject of death because they are afraid they will cause the person more sadness. Rarely is this true. People who have suffered a loss NEED to know their loved one hasn't been forgotten. No one should be afraid to share a warm memory, or ask how a grieving family member is doing. To show that kind of sensitivity is a generous gift.