DEAR ABBY: At least "Renee in Oregon" (Sept. 10), who asked her adult daughters for their friends' phone numbers, cares enough to want someone to call if her adult children don't respond. I didn't regard her request as nosy or overbearing, simply so she'd have a "just in case" number. Renee's daughters sound like ungrateful brats who don't care anything about worrying their parents.

I'm thankful my four adult children will text me in response to my call to let me know they are OK. I have never had a problem getting a contact number from them for a neighbor or friend. Two of them offered the information without my asking.

I have only had to call a contact once. Thank goodness it was only a matter of a stolen phone, not a sick or injured child. I'm blessed my kids understand that it's not to get in their business, but a logical safety issue. -- LUCKY DAD IN KENTUCKY

DEAR LUCKY DAD: I'm glad for you. The response from readers about Renee's letter was varied, and it was informative to read their perspectives:

DEAR ABBY: Thanks for your answer to Renee. It validated my whole life as a daughter of a domineering mother.

She is 92. I'm 62 and live 40 miles from her. I have a full-time job, take care of a small farm and still, after my weekly visit, have to call her to let her know I got home OK.

She also asks for my friends' phone numbers. I give her inaccurate ones so she can't pester them. My office knows to not put her calls through. I have asked her to call my cell, leave a message and I'll call her back when I am on break.

When I was younger, if she couldn't reach me by phone, she would call the police and the ERs, send my poor father to my house to look for me, or call my veterinarian to have him make a farm call -- just to be sure I hadn't been ax-murdered.

The negative effect this has had on our relationship is profound. I have tried repeatedly to explain it to her, but she has never "gotten it," so I have created barriers in order to maintain boundaries. She has a number she can call for her in-home care providers, so if her need is real, she can get help -- and there's always 911. I refuse to exist just for her to engulf. -- PURPOSELY CHILDLESS IN MISSOURI

DEAR ABBY: Sometimes parents do need a contact person for emergencies. At what point should a person have to contact the police?

Years ago, parents here in Northern California didn't hear from their adult son for a week or two. They thought he was with his live-in girlfriend. She thought he had gone to see them. Sadly, his body was found stuffed in an irrigation pipe weeks later. He had been robbed and murdered.

Hopefully, Renee's three daughters are close enough to have regular contact with each other and can call their parents on a regular timetable to check in and assure them all is well. -- CALIFORNIA MOM

DEAR ABBY: Telling Renee she was the reason her daughters moved so far away and don't answer her calls was unnecessarily hurtful. You have no idea why her daughters are so distant.

A better option would have been to suggest she approach her kids because she is concerned as their mother and they live so far from her. Rather than a list of their friends, she should ask each of them if there's someone close to them she might use as an emergency contact. -- ANGIE IN MICHIGAN

DEAR ABBY: I have two daughters. If I asked them for this information, they wouldn't hesitate to hand it over. I think that's because my approach with my girls has always been, the more I stay out of their lives, the more they tell me. I empathize with Renee and sincerely hope she learns to back off. -- NO PROBLEMS HERE

DEAR ABBY: There is a topic I haven't seen addressed in your column, namely being sexually abused by a spouse. I ended my marriage because my husband was waking me at 2 a.m. demanding sex. He expected me to have sex only a week after I had our baby, although my doctor had said I should wait six weeks. If I thought something he wanted me to do was degrading, he insisted I do it anyway.

It amazes me that the subject of spousal abuse isn't mentioned in premarital counseling. No one seems willing to acknowledge this kind of abuse exists. Is there even a "survivors" network or support group to cope? I went to individual counseling, but it didn't help me.

I think it would be helpful if society would acknowledge this kind of thing does happen. I also think that those who offer premarital counseling should be required to discuss the warning signs of a sexual abuser. -- THE EX MRS. BROWN

DEAR EX MRS. BROWN: It is interesting that this topic isn't addressed more often, because domestic violence can happen to anyone and it shouldn't be overlooked. No one has the right to coerce a partner into doing something she or he doesn't want to do, whether it's done through physical violence or relentless verbal abuse.

When there is forced sex in a marriage, the name for it is marital or spousal rape. Like any other kind of rape, it is not an act of love but a way of asserting control and dominance. If you contact the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN), it should be able to refer you to a support group for survivors. The toll-free number to call is 800-656-4673. (You can also find it online at rainn.org.)

DEAR ABBY: How do you handle an ex-son-in-law who "confides" in his 9-year-old and 7-year-old children? My granddaughter came to me yesterday and said her dad told her he's not going to pay child support and is going to quit his job. Now she is worried her daddy will become homeless and have to live on the street.

I know he is self-centered. He has started abusing narcotics and is moving in with a girl half his age. I told my granddaughter that no matter what happens, her mom and dad will always love her. There is court-ordered support, but none has been paid. Any advice would be appreciated. -- GRANDPA IN MILWAUKEE

DEAR GRANDPA: "Daddy" is not going to lose his apartment; he has chosen to move in with his girlfriend. That's a lot different than becoming homeless. Reassure your grandchildren, but do not lie. Your daughter should discuss with an attorney the fact that her ex isn't meeting his child support obligation, and contact the state agencies that help to collect it.

DEAR ABBY: My sister-in-law has asked me to pay for repairs to the passenger seat of her car. She was picking up my 9-year-old to stay the night, and when he got inside, he moved the seat forward to better fit his stature. She got upset and said, "The seat was broken. We had it set just right for me when I'm the passenger."

Since he adjusted it she hasn't been able to reset it. When I asked if there was a note on the dash that read "Do not move seat," she said no. Then I asked, if this was her best friend's son, would she be requesting money to repair an already broken seat? Her response was, "No." Am I wrong to think she was out of line to ask? -- FUMING IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR FUMING: You're not wrong. If your sister-in-law had warned your son not to touch the seat before he adjusted it, she might have a leg to stand on. However, if she's short of money and was baby-sitting your son as a favor, in the interest of keeping peace in the family, offer to contribute to the cost of the repair.

DEAR ABBY: What are the dangers of driving while on strong painkillers? Since codeine is a controlled substance that you have to sign for to receive the prescription, does it impair distance vision and reaction time?

My elderly dad says as long as he has taken the pill the night before, it's all right for him to drive. He takes about 12 different medications every day, and the pain medicine must stay in his system at all times to work effectively.

Are other drivers in danger when he drives under the influence of prescription drugs? Can he be arrested if he hits someone? His car is already dented because he hit something. It would be a shame for him to cause some innocent driver who encounters him on the highway to be crippled or die. What do you think? -- MEDICATED IN RALEIGH, N.C.

DEAR MEDICATED: I am not an expert in pharmacology. I suggest you compile a list of all the drugs your father is taking -- both prescription drugs and the over-the-counter variety. Take the list to his pharmacist and ask these questions. He or she can give you the answers you need because some drugs can interact with each other.

DEAR ABBY: A friend and I had a falling-out over a manners thing. When three people eat out together and everyone orders their own dessert, is it rude to not allow someone to take a bite of yours?

This friend wanted to taste another one's dessert and the guy said no. The friend then claimed the refuser was rude because he didn't want to share. Was the person wrong to have declined? -- JUST ONE BITE

DEAR JUST ONE: Whether to share one's food is a matter of personal preference. No rule of etiquette demands that someone do so just because it has been requested, and it wasn't rude to refuse.