life

Grown-Up Child Still Wonders What Halted Parents' Divorce

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 7th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: During my childhood, my parents fought loudly and often. When I was 12, they spoke to my sister and me about getting a divorce. I was heartbroken and fought back.

Like any kid in that situation, I was upset and scared. I told them they were being selfish and irresponsible for breaking up our family when they were the ones who chose to have children in the first place. They ended up staying together and never mentioned the D-word again.

It's 15 years later; they have now been married for 40 years. When I'm around, I still hear them squabble, but nothing like when I was young. They obviously care about one another.

As an adult, I am plagued by guilt. Had I been older and wiser when they first contemplated divorce, I would have agreed that they were probably not a good match, and told them to do whatever they needed to be happy.

Did I do the wrong thing when I was young? Should I say something now or leave well enough alone? I feel I may have kept my parents in a loveless relationship, and while I'm happy they're still together, I can't help but wonder if I should have kept my mouth shut. I'd appreciate your opinion. -- REMORSEFUL IN THE SOUTH

DEAR REMORSEFUL: What you said when you were 12 may have affected your parents' decision about divorcing, but it was not the deciding factor. It may have slowed them down and made them think that as long as their children were minors, they should make a greater effort to keep the family intact. By the time you became an adult nine years ago they appear to have made peace and patched up their major differences. As you stated, "They obviously care about one another."

Because you carry feelings of guilt over this, if you feel comfortable enough to do so, talk to your parents about it. If not, then discuss it with a counselor because blaming yourself for reacting as any 12-year-old would is wrong.

Marriage & DivorceFamily & Parenting
life

Procrastination Derails Single Parent's Return to School

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 7th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am a single parent of four children ages 5 to 13. I want to go back to school to better myself and make a better life for them because I am raising them on my own. I keep putting off going back because something always comes up. I'm afraid if I keep this up, then I'll never do it and will live with regret for the rest of my life.

I don't have a stable support system, and I work full time, so I'm also worried about having no time for my children, although I hardly have any now. Most days I feel like a bad parent and want to cry. What would you recommend I do? Can you help me push myself? -- WANTS NO REGRETS

DEAR WANTS NO REGRETS: Set goals for yourself. Explore career counseling at your nearest community college and ask for guidance about child care options. When you do, ask if you can take one or two classes a semester, rather than a full course load, and if any of the classes you need are held online. That way, you won't be spending a lot of time away from your children, and at the same time you'll be setting an example for them to follow about the importance of education.

Family & ParentingWork & SchoolMoney
life

Clutter of Holiday Decorations Crushes Man's Christmas Spirit

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 6th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: Every December my wife virtually buries our home in Christmas decorations. It's not just the tree and stockings in the living room; she's not happy until there are Christmas towels and Christmas soap in the bathroom and another tree and knicky-knacky stuff downstairs. Not even a doorknob is safe from decoration.

It drives me nuts; I feel so claustrophobic. I bump into these decorations everywhere I turn. I was raised differently, more simply. There was a tree in the living room and stockings hung from the mantel. That was it.

For the last 20 years of our marriage, I have suggested -- unsuccessfully -- that we compromise and alternate every other year. One year her way, the next mine. When I do, she tearfully accuses me of being Scrooge. I admit I'm not big on the commercialized Christmas season, but is my request unreasonable? -- NOT FOND OF CHRISTMAS IN NORTH OGDEN, UTAH

DEAR NOT FOND: No, it's not. You are suggesting meeting each other halfway. Your wife is unwilling to do that even though she knows what she's doing is making you uncomfortable. And that's regrettable because Christmas is supposed to be about what's in the heart, not what's all over the house.

Marriage & DivorceHolidays & Celebrations
life

Intern Is Unimpressed by Co-Workers' Show of Muscle

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 6th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I'm a female college student and I intern at a chemical plant. When I arrive at work, the middle-aged men start "working out" and flexing their muscles. Literally! It makes me uncomfortable. I want to tell them I'm not interested and they're making fools of themselves. Should I say something? They read your column. Help me out, please! -- THERE TO WORK

DEAR THERE TO WORK: Your middle-aged co-workers are acting like a group of teenaged boys. Continue to ignore them; you won't be there forever. However, if it escalates, you should discuss it with Human Resources.

Sex & GenderWork & School
life

Great Debate: Which Way Is Up the Street?

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 6th, 2016 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: Please settle a disagreement I have with my husband and daughter. How do you determine "up the street" or "down the street"? I contend that it goes by the house numbers. They disagree. Any advice? -- CURIOUS IN NEW YORK

DEAR CURIOUS: According to Merriam Webster's Learner's Dictionary online: "In general, the prepositional phrases 'up the street' and 'down the street' mean the same thing, and in most cases either one is appropriate. ... However, if the street is on a hill, use 'up the street' when talking about something that is further uphill, and 'down the street' when it's further downhill."

My postman said that, in his opinion, "up the street" means in the direction of higher address numbers, and the reverse for lower ones -- so I'll defer to him and to you.

life

Small Displays Tell Larger Tale of Late Husband's Life

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 5th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My husband passed away recently and I have some items of his I'm unsure how to tastefully display to honor his memory. They are his Bible, a U.S. flag in a triangular display box (he was a veteran), a set of deer antlers, works he authored, his guitar and family photos. I don't want to build a shrine, but I don't want to stick these things in a closet, either.

He was passionate about his pursuits, and his passion was contagious. I want to pay tribute to him without making others uncomfortable. I have a small house, so a grouping of the items takes up significant space. The way I have them set up now is kind of shrine-like, and it's emotionally wrenching both for me and for visiting family. Suggestions, Abby? -- WIDOW IN HOUSTON

DEAR WIDOW: I am sorry for the loss of your husband. Not knowing how many rooms there are in your home, it's impossible to tell you sight unseen how to display this memorabilia. However, to lessen the emotional impact, it might be better not to group these mementos all in one place. Another option would be to display the items at different times, so not all of them will be viewed at once.

Death
life

After Night of Dancing, Girl Is Eager to Take the Next Step

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 5th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: There's a guy I go to a church with. We spent most of the day together with his family. At first, it felt a little weird, and I was the one who broke the silence while we were at dinner. We went to a dance afterward and he was a gentleman. He helped me into the car, etc. He also taught me how to dance and we had a great time. He walked me to my front door at midnight.

When I got to church the following Sunday, I thanked him for coming to the dance with me and told him I had a wonderful time. His family knows I like him a lot. I talked to my mom about it and told her I was going to ask him out. She was fine with it, but when I said something about it to friends, they said it might tarnish our friendship.

Should I ask him out or wait for him to do it? I don't want to look dumb. And what do I say to my friends? -- TEXAS GIRL WHO'S READY

DEAR TEXAS GIRL: When a guy spends most of the day with a girl, it's a good bet that he likes her. Wait a week or two before making your move, because he may ask you out in the meantime. However, if he doesn't, then casually ask him to do something with you, like go to a movie or sporting event or go hiking. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. And as to what to say to your friends about it, I vote for keeping your mouth firmly shut.

Love & Dating

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