life

Young Couple Needs a Break to See if They Fit Together

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 28th, 2015 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 20-year-old college student. I have never dated anyone besides my current boyfriend, "Cody." He's my first-ever boyfriend. I met him in high school, but we ran into each other in college and quickly began a relationship. We're now into our third year together.

We have professed our love for each other. He never said "I love you" to any of his past girlfriends, and I'm happy he said it to me.

My concern is that we talk like we'll be together forever. I think I'd be happy, but should I worry that I'll never know if there may be other guys I feel a stronger connection to? Or if I have enough experience to know what love is? -- JUST THINKING IN FLORIDA

DEAR JUST THINKING: If you're writing to me, you ARE worrying. While for many couples their first love is also their last one, for many others it isn't, which may be why there are so many exes in this world.

My advice is to tell Cody that while you care for him, you feel it would be better for both of you to take a break and see other people. In some cases, it can cement a relationship. In others, it can destroy it. Going that route can be risky, but if either partner is having any doubts, that's the road to take.

Love & Dating
life

Father's Long-Held Secret Is Revealed at His Deathbed

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 28th, 2015 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My father died last month. He'd had a massive stroke and was incapacitated for the last 10 days of his life and was on life support.

After I arrived at the hospital, I received a call from a woman who informed me that she is my half-sister. It was upsetting, to say the least. Not only was I losing my father, but I never thought he could keep a secret of this magnitude from me. Because I was angry, I wasn't friendly toward her.

Should I initiate a relationship with this woman? I'm 38. My siblings and I were born during my parents' marriage. This woman's mother is someone he had an affair with before, during and after his marriage. I have mixed emotions because I feel loyal to my mother, and I'm devastated by my father's deception regarding this child. -- UPSET IN GEORGIA

DEAR UPSET: I doubt your mother will welcome this person's presence in her life, so at least for now, I think reaching out would be a mistake. Your mother might perceive it as almost as much of a betrayal as your father's was with his girlfriend. Before going further, the question you need to ask yourself is, "Would the benefit outweigh the cost?" Until you can answer that, my advice is to do nothing.

DeathFamily & Parenting
life

Dad Speaks the Truth and Gets Silent Treatment From Daughter

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 27th, 2015 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, a single parent, has a 27-year-old son who has assaulted her several times. He has never worked and has been in trouble with the law because of drugs. Recently, she called me to ask if she and her son could spend the night with me. (They live 160 miles away.) I told her that because of his past behavior it wasn't a good idea.

She was very offended and said I would "never see her son again." After sending me several hurtful emails, she's no longer speaking to me, despite the fact that I have always taken care of her and listened to her problems about her son.

I deserve an apology -- which I won't receive. But I feel bad about the situation. How do I fix it without apologizing myself? -- DAD WITH A DILEMMA IN FLORIDA

DEAR DAD: Because you know an apology from your daughter won't be forthcoming, don't expect one. Considering the fact that your grandson has a tendency to be violent, I don't blame you for not wanting him in your home. So stand pat. Your daughter will start talking to you again as soon as she needs something from you. Of that, I am sure.

Family & ParentingAddiction
life

Etiquette of Conversation Is Muddled by Translation

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 27th, 2015 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am a teacher who occasionally must conduct parent-teacher conferences through a translator. My colleague and I are wondering, what is the proper protocol for these conversations? We are not sure whether to make eye contact with the translator or the parent when talking and listening. Thank you for your help. -- AN INTERNATIONAL EDUCATOR

DEAR EDUCATOR: It is important to make eye contact with the person with whom you are communicating. When you are being given a translation, it's all right to make eye contact with the translator. However, when asking a question or directing a comment to the parent, you should look the parent in the eye.

Work & SchoolEtiquette & Ethics
life

Couple Doesn't See Eye to Eye on Opposite-Sex Friendships

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 27th, 2015 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Mac," and I come from two different worlds. I am from Europe, but have been living in the U.S. for 15 years. I have many friends, male and female, and I make a point of staying in touch with them.

Mac is Native American and believes that in a relationship, your partner should be the only opposite-sex person you spend time with. He doesn't want me to be in touch with any of my male friends -- no lunch meetings to catch up, and no occasional email, text or call to check in. These are all platonic relationships with guys who share a similar interest. Most of them have wives or girlfriends I get along with well.

Mac thinks his manhood is insulted because he should be enough for me. He was cheated on in the past. I never have been, so I can't relate. Am I being unfair, rude or insensitive by wanting to keep my friends? -- FRIENDLY FEMALE IN NEVADA

DEAR FRIENDLY FEMALE: Not at all. But you must recognize that your boyfriend has some deep-seated insecurities, and until he is willing to work on them, he will continue trying to control those with whom you keep in contact.

You are correct that the two of you come from two different worlds, and I'm not talking about geography. If this is what you are willing to tolerate in the long run, continue your romance with Mac. If not, then it's time for you to make the choice to end it.

Love & DatingFriends & Neighbors
life

Offhand Comment About Weight Still Stings Many Months Later

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 26th, 2015 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I recently went on a cruise with several other women. I was friendly with one of them, but didn't know the others.

I am overweight. One of the other women, "Dolores," was also overweight, heavier than me, in fact. She's very proud of being Christian, but she made the comment, in front of several other people, that she didn't mind going places with me because with me around she didn't feel so fat.

I was so stunned I remained silent. Actually, I was afraid that if I spoke I'd say too much, but I felt very hurt and ashamed. Even though I have tried to ignore it, this has bothered me for months and I don't know what to do.

Should I say something to Dolores or continue to ignore it? I don't really want to be friends with her now because I don't know what kind of snide remark may come out of her mouth next. And I certainly don't want to go anywhere with her again. -- TAKEN ABACK IN TEXAS

DEAR TAKEN ABACK: When mankind was created, a delete button should have been installed at the end of our tongues. However, it's possible our creator thought common sense would suffice. Obviously, Dolores was elsewhere when it was handed out.

While her comment was tactless, it says far more about how she feels about herself than it does about you. Because this is still bothering you, I don't think it would be at all out of line for you to tell her how hurtful her comment was.

Friends & NeighborsEtiquette & Ethics
life

Teen Feels Weight of Advanced Courses and Active Schedule

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 26th, 2015 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I'm 17 and just started my junior year. I'm in an advanced program that my school offers because I want to get into an international college and need to take these classes to get noticed. I'm just over a month in, and I'm losing it. I have a job, I play soccer and I'm the lead in a school production. On top of that, I have an insane workload I wasn't prepared for and I'm trying to cope with discovering that I'm not straight.

With everything going on, I've been having meltdowns nearly every day. I leave class sometimes just to hide in the bathroom. I spend hours doing homework and still don't get everything done I need to.

Last year, four or five of my classmates left school because of mental breakdowns in this program. I'm afraid I'm burning out, too. What should I do? Should I drop out of the program or seek help? -- SCARED AND STRESSED IN NEW YORK

DEAR SCARED: The first thing to do is talk about all of this with a counselor at your school. If you are at the point where you must leave class and "hide," you need more help than I can offer in a letter. If counseling is available, or your course load can be modified, you should go in that direction. But dropping out should be your last resort and only after having discussed it with your parents and your counselor, because there may be other options.

Work & SchoolTeensSex & Gender

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