life

Rocky Marriage Is Back On, But Money Keeps Couple Apart

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 18th, 2015 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married three years. It has been rocky since year two. She's a great mother to our kids, especially the one who is medically challenged. We have broken up twice so far, and are now back together. However, because of my job, we live in different states.

Bottom line: I'm no longer sure this is the right relationship for me. She goes to school full time while I work a ton of overtime to support two households. We hardly see or spend time with each other. She has said she would rather me work and not see me so that everything gets paid. I feel she's more about the money than the marriage. What do you think? -- UNHAPPILY MARRIED IN BALTIMORE

DEAR UNHAPPILY: You and your wife both appear to be carrying a heavy load. For the sake of your children, it would be nice if your marriage could be resuscitated. However, not every marriage can be -- and the arrangement you have now is clearly not working for you.

If your wife actually feels that she would rather not see you so that everything gets paid, then I think she has made her feelings clear. The marriage no longer exists; it's a financial arrangement. For that, you both have my sympathy.

Marriage & DivorceMoneyWork & School
life

Wife Is Baffled by Her Inability to Speak Husband's Name

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 18th, 2015 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: Why does it feel awkward for me to call my husband by his first name? When I say his name from another room to get his attention, it only feels natural for me to call him "Babe."

When I'm talking about him to someone else, I use his name, but it still makes me cringe. It's a perfectly normal, common name, so I don't know why it makes me so uncomfortable. And this doesn't just apply to my husband. Before him, I was in a six-year relationship with my high school sweetheart and had the same problem.

Why can I only call my significant others "Babe" when talking to them? -- HUBBY'S NAME IS ________

DEAR HUBBY'S NAME: When couples become intimately involved, it is common for them to use pet names with each other. That you call your husband and your former boyfriend by the SAME name is interesting. Could it be that subconsciously you are/were afraid that if you don't use the same pet name, you will absentmindedly use the wrong one?

Marriage & Divorce
life

Conversation in Theater Box Steals Spotlight From the Stage

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 18th, 2015 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My cousin and I have season tickets for the Broadway series at our local theater. Our problem is two women who sit next to us in the box. After intermission, when the second act starts, they talk loudly to each other as long as 10 minutes into the show. I want to say something, but I don't want to cause any negativity or bad feelings because we will see them at each show. How should I deal with it? -- AUDIENCE MEMBER

DEAR MEMBER: Here's how: When the women continue their conversation after the curtain rises, you say to the one nearest you, "Please be quiet. We can't hear the performance." That's not rude; it's being assertive. If they persist after that, complain to the management and ask that, if possible, in the future you be seated apart from the magpies.

Etiquette & Ethics
life

Murky Circumstances of Crime Cloud Convict's Welcome Home

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 17th, 2015 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: After I became an adult and left home, my father remarried a woman with a grown son. "Jack" has been incarcerated for the past several years. I have only vague information about what he did, but I do know it was related to drugs and gang affiliation.

His mother insists he was "framed" and refuses to talk about the charges. I haven't been able to find any public information except that this wasn't the first time he was arrested. My father has hinted that there is a bigger story there, but he keeps quiet out of respect for his wife's feelings.

Jack will be released soon, and my stepmom is already planning big family events for us to welcome him home. I have a wife and kids now, and I'm not sure I want them around an ex-con. At the same time, I don't really know what happened, and I don't want to start a family rift. What should I do next? -- WHAT'S THE SECRET?

DEAR WHAT'S: Talk to your father and tell him that unless you know the whole story about what Jack did that you will not be a part of the welcome home party. As a parent, you have a right to know whether your children could be in danger if they are around him and base your decision on it. Not that Jack might ever hurt your children, but should a rival gang member come after him, they might be collateral damage, as we so often read about these days. Better to err on the side of caution.

Family & ParentingHealth & Safety
life

Man Questions His Place at Ex-Wife's Funeral

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 17th, 2015 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I was divorced 10 years ago. My children are all over 21. I talk with them once a month, but I contact my ex-wife only when there's an issue that relates to our kids.

My ex now has cancer. When she dies, am I expected to attend the funeral? I would like to go as a show of respect to my kids. However, I don't know how they would react because they know I have had little contact with their mother for the last decade.

The same question goes for my ex-mother-in-law, who is almost 90. I had a good relationship with her until the divorce, at which point she would no longer talk to me. Should I be there since she is the grandmother of my children? -- PLANNING AHEAD

DEAR PLANNING: I think your question may be somewhat premature. Your relationship with your ex-wife and her mother may improve before anyone dies -- and let's admit it, YOU could be the one to go first.

If there is any chance that your presence at her mother's funeral would upset your ex-wife, then I vote for skipping it and explaining the reason to your children. As to attending your ex's funeral when (and IF) the time comes, remember that funerals are to comfort the living. During one of your monthly conversations with your children -- once your ex-wife is determined to be terminal and NOT before -- ask what their wishes are and abide by them.

Marriage & DivorceDeathFamily & Parenting
life

Woman Who Wants Implants Must Ignore Boyfriend's Threats

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 16th, 2015 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have always struggled with a lack of self-esteem and confidence. I would like to get breast implants. It's not to seek attention or anything; it's merely to feel better about myself. Clothes don't fit me properly, and I am embarrassed.

My boyfriend is completely against it. He says he doesn't want to be with a fake person, even though I have tried in vain to tell him I'll be the same person on the inside. He has also threatened that we will have relationship problems if I have the surgery done.

This procedure will, in my opinion, help me in many ways. On the other hand, I don't want to lose my boyfriend! Please help. -- DOESN'T WANT TO LOSE HIM

DEAR DOESN'T WANT TO LOSE HIM: Which is more important to you -- to do something that will make you feel more confident about your appearance or hang onto this boyfriend? He may be worried that you will attract too much attention if you change your appearance, or have a hang-up about "relations" with a woman who has implants.

If he were your husband, I might answer differently, but from where I sit, you have to do what's best for you. A boyfriend who would prevent you from boosting your self-confidence strikes me as selfish and not much of a "friend" at all.

Health & SafetyMental HealthLove & Dating
life

Friends Are Tempted to Cash In on "Side Chick" Hustle

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 16th, 2015 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I'm saddened by the mistresses of today, also known as "side chicks." These women have no morality or conscience. Yet their status seems to be glorified all over social media.

What advice would you give to my friends who are contemplating joining in this madness as a "hustle" and a way to get child support from married men? -- DISGUSTED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR DISGUSTED: You are describing entrapment and extortion. A woman who would do this is lacking ethics, morals and self-respect. That kind of individual isn't likely to listen to advice from me. I do have some, however, for you. End those "friendships" because, on an important level, you have nothing in common with these shameless users. I pity the children, who are nothing more than meal tickets to their mothers.

Marriage & DivorceLove & DatingFriends & NeighborsMoney
life

Vegan Diet Gets No Respect From Woman's Family Members

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 16th, 2015 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am vegan, which makes dining out an adventure. In restaurants, veggies and pasta or a veggie wrap are pretty much a go-to. At family functions (weddings, showers), I bring my own non-dairy milk and butter and try not to call attention to myself. When someone (inevitably) notices, the questions begin, which I don't mind.

What I do mind, however, is the hostility I encounter. "What makes you think you're better than the rest of us?" is the most common comment. I don't think I am, and I certainly have never implied it.

I need a response that won't fuel the fire and will hopefully allow me to eat in peace. Thoughts? -- VEGAN GIRL IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR VEGAN GIRL: Try this: "I'm sorry you got that impression, because it's not the way I feel. It's simply the way I choose to eat."

Etiquette & Ethics

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