DEAR ABBY: After I became an adult and left home, my father remarried a woman with a grown son. "Jack" has been incarcerated for the past several years. I have only vague information about what he did, but I do know it was related to drugs and gang affiliation.

His mother insists he was "framed" and refuses to talk about the charges. I haven't been able to find any public information except that this wasn't the first time he was arrested. My father has hinted that there is a bigger story there, but he keeps quiet out of respect for his wife's feelings.

Jack will be released soon, and my stepmom is already planning big family events for us to welcome him home. I have a wife and kids now, and I'm not sure I want them around an ex-con. At the same time, I don't really know what happened, and I don't want to start a family rift. What should I do next? -- WHAT'S THE SECRET?

DEAR WHAT'S: Talk to your father and tell him that unless you know the whole story about what Jack did that you will not be a part of the welcome home party. As a parent, you have a right to know whether your children could be in danger if they are around him and base your decision on it. Not that Jack might ever hurt your children, but should a rival gang member come after him, they might be collateral damage, as we so often read about these days. Better to err on the side of caution.

DEAR ABBY: I was divorced 10 years ago. My children are all over 21. I talk with them once a month, but I contact my ex-wife only when there's an issue that relates to our kids.

My ex now has cancer. When she dies, am I expected to attend the funeral? I would like to go as a show of respect to my kids. However, I don't know how they would react because they know I have had little contact with their mother for the last decade.

The same question goes for my ex-mother-in-law, who is almost 90. I had a good relationship with her until the divorce, at which point she would no longer talk to me. Should I be there since she is the grandmother of my children? -- PLANNING AHEAD

DEAR PLANNING: I think your question may be somewhat premature. Your relationship with your ex-wife and her mother may improve before anyone dies -- and let's admit it, YOU could be the one to go first.

If there is any chance that your presence at her mother's funeral would upset your ex-wife, then I vote for skipping it and explaining the reason to your children. As to attending your ex's funeral when (and IF) the time comes, remember that funerals are to comfort the living. During one of your monthly conversations with your children -- once your ex-wife is determined to be terminal and NOT before -- ask what their wishes are and abide by them.

DEAR ABBY: I have always struggled with a lack of self-esteem and confidence. I would like to get breast implants. It's not to seek attention or anything; it's merely to feel better about myself. Clothes don't fit me properly, and I am embarrassed.

My boyfriend is completely against it. He says he doesn't want to be with a fake person, even though I have tried in vain to tell him I'll be the same person on the inside. He has also threatened that we will have relationship problems if I have the surgery done.

This procedure will, in my opinion, help me in many ways. On the other hand, I don't want to lose my boyfriend! Please help. -- DOESN'T WANT TO LOSE HIM

DEAR DOESN'T WANT TO LOSE HIM: Which is more important to you -- to do something that will make you feel more confident about your appearance or hang onto this boyfriend? He may be worried that you will attract too much attention if you change your appearance, or have a hang-up about "relations" with a woman who has implants.

If he were your husband, I might answer differently, but from where I sit, you have to do what's best for you. A boyfriend who would prevent you from boosting your self-confidence strikes me as selfish and not much of a "friend" at all.

DEAR ABBY: I'm saddened by the mistresses of today, also known as "side chicks." These women have no morality or conscience. Yet their status seems to be glorified all over social media.

What advice would you give to my friends who are contemplating joining in this madness as a "hustle" and a way to get child support from married men? -- DISGUSTED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR DISGUSTED: You are describing entrapment and extortion. A woman who would do this is lacking ethics, morals and self-respect. That kind of individual isn't likely to listen to advice from me. I do have some, however, for you. End those "friendships" because, on an important level, you have nothing in common with these shameless users. I pity the children, who are nothing more than meal tickets to their mothers.

DEAR ABBY: I am vegan, which makes dining out an adventure. In restaurants, veggies and pasta or a veggie wrap are pretty much a go-to. At family functions (weddings, showers), I bring my own non-dairy milk and butter and try not to call attention to myself. When someone (inevitably) notices, the questions begin, which I don't mind.

What I do mind, however, is the hostility I encounter. "What makes you think you're better than the rest of us?" is the most common comment. I don't think I am, and I certainly have never implied it.

I need a response that won't fuel the fire and will hopefully allow me to eat in peace. Thoughts? -- VEGAN GIRL IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR VEGAN GIRL: Try this: "I'm sorry you got that impression, because it's not the way I feel. It's simply the way I choose to eat."

DEAR ABBY: I'm writing about the letter you printed from "Excited in Maryland" (Aug. 16), whose wife makes snide comments about his impending retirement. That milestone is the biggest, scariest life change people make -- a time marker like no other.

With many people, our identity is tied to our careers. In my case, I enjoyed a long, successful career as a social worker, counselor, teacher and mother. I wasn't the primary breadwinner and was able to work less than full time. When I retired seven years ago, my day was my own, with little accountability to my husband. I had quiet when I wanted it, music of my own choosing, ate when and what I wanted -- and complete privacy all day, every day.

My husband, one of the nicest men I've ever known, retired two years ago, and I still haven't come to terms with the fact that he's home all the time. He doesn't ask me to do anything differently, but he's HERE, which means my definition of privacy has changed. I realize how lucky I am to have him, our long marriage, our health, our kids and financial stability. I just need a predictable block of time I can depend on to have the house all to myself.

That letter writer's wife may be worried about the huge change that is coming. My husband has enough interests, hobbies and projects that he's always busy, but we are different people. He can get lost in his project while I'm "on alert" for any interruption, real or imagined.

A couple of my friends have decided to postpone retirement because they don't want to be home all day with their husbands. They are both mental health therapists, but they can't talk with their husbands about it. If THEY can't, then who can? This seems to be the most major life challenge yet, but I can't find anyone who's willing to discuss it. Is there anyone out there to honestly help us negotiate this phase? -- LIZ IN IOWA

DEAR LIZ: Because of the complicated nature of their work, many therapists have therapists of their own. That is what I would have recommended, if either of the couples you mentioned in your letter had asked, to improve their level of communication.

As for the rest of us "regular" folks, a licensed family therapist would be qualified to help. I agree that retirement requires an adjustment on the part of both spouses. You should look for a counselor who is older and who can empathize with what you and your husband are experiencing.

DEAR ABBY: My father-in-law picks his nose. I had a birthday dinner for my wife with 15 people around the restaurant table, when her father inserted his forefinger into his nostril and started digging. Sometimes he digs for up to 10 minutes. My wife says, "Don't look." What would Abby do? -- JOHN IN FORT WORTH, TEXAS

DEAR JOHN: Abby would use the first chance she got to speak to the man alone and tell him that picking his nose in public grosses people out. Then she'd suggest the next time he feels the urge, he should leave the table, head for a restroom and take care of it in private.