DEAR ABBY: I'm writing about the letter you printed from "Excited in Maryland" (Aug. 16), whose wife makes snide comments about his impending retirement. That milestone is the biggest, scariest life change people make -- a time marker like no other.

With many people, our identity is tied to our careers. In my case, I enjoyed a long, successful career as a social worker, counselor, teacher and mother. I wasn't the primary breadwinner and was able to work less than full time. When I retired seven years ago, my day was my own, with little accountability to my husband. I had quiet when I wanted it, music of my own choosing, ate when and what I wanted -- and complete privacy all day, every day.

My husband, one of the nicest men I've ever known, retired two years ago, and I still haven't come to terms with the fact that he's home all the time. He doesn't ask me to do anything differently, but he's HERE, which means my definition of privacy has changed. I realize how lucky I am to have him, our long marriage, our health, our kids and financial stability. I just need a predictable block of time I can depend on to have the house all to myself.

That letter writer's wife may be worried about the huge change that is coming. My husband has enough interests, hobbies and projects that he's always busy, but we are different people. He can get lost in his project while I'm "on alert" for any interruption, real or imagined.

A couple of my friends have decided to postpone retirement because they don't want to be home all day with their husbands. They are both mental health therapists, but they can't talk with their husbands about it. If THEY can't, then who can? This seems to be the most major life challenge yet, but I can't find anyone who's willing to discuss it. Is there anyone out there to honestly help us negotiate this phase? -- LIZ IN IOWA

DEAR LIZ: Because of the complicated nature of their work, many therapists have therapists of their own. That is what I would have recommended, if either of the couples you mentioned in your letter had asked, to improve their level of communication.

As for the rest of us "regular" folks, a licensed family therapist would be qualified to help. I agree that retirement requires an adjustment on the part of both spouses. You should look for a counselor who is older and who can empathize with what you and your husband are experiencing.

DEAR ABBY: My father-in-law picks his nose. I had a birthday dinner for my wife with 15 people around the restaurant table, when her father inserted his forefinger into his nostril and started digging. Sometimes he digs for up to 10 minutes. My wife says, "Don't look." What would Abby do? -- JOHN IN FORT WORTH, TEXAS

DEAR JOHN: Abby would use the first chance she got to speak to the man alone and tell him that picking his nose in public grosses people out. Then she'd suggest the next time he feels the urge, he should leave the table, head for a restroom and take care of it in private.

DEAR ABBY: My rapists are dead now, but I can see from the years since their attack what damage they have caused. I'm having medical complications that have developed over time, pain and suffering from those complications, PTSD and additional stress over pharmacy bills because of it. It has affected the way I feel about men, and I'm afraid it will be this way for the rest of my life.

My attackers caused a great financial burden on me because of the cost of psychological counseling and loss of income due to episodes of related illness and working beneath my potential. Rapists seem to think they're entitled to take what they want when they want it. I'm thinking perhaps they should be forced to take responsibility for the resulting cost to the person whose life they affected, which brings me to my question: Can women sue their rapists? -- ALTERED BODY AND SOUL

DEAR ALTERED: In this country, anybody can sue anyone for anything, but not someone who is dead. However, lawsuits can be emotionally and financially costly, and the question is whether the plaintiff can win. Some states offer financial assistance to victims of crime, which includes medical and dental expenses, counseling costs, funeral or burial expenses, and lost wages or support.

Because your rapists are deceased, it would be more practical for you to go online and visit www.victimsofcrime.org to explore what kind of compensation may still be available for you. I wish you luck in your pursuit of justice.

DEAR ABBY: I'm an only child; my husband is not. Our parents don't live nearby, and every year we have great debates over where to go for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Both sets of parents host both holidays at their homes.

My husband feels we should alternate, one year spend Christmas with his parents, the next with mine. I suggested that one year we host Christmas at our home. That way, both sets of parents could be with us, but his mother said no because her other children and grandchildren spend the holidays with them at her house.

Even though I know the fair thing to do would be to alternate, I do not want to leave my parents alone on the holidays because I'm their only child. They have no one else! But his mother expects us to be there for every holiday and gets upset if we aren't. I know this situation will only get worse once my husband and I have children. What should we do? -- HOLIDAY TROUBLE IN NEW YORK

DEAR HOLIDAY TROUBLE: Because a marriage is supposed to involve the joining together of two families into one, you might suggest to your mother-in-law that she extend an invitation to your parents for the holidays. But if she's unwilling or your parents are unable to travel, then I agree with your husband that you should alternate the holidays.

After you have children, this should be discussed again, because it is important that they get to know their cousins, and it will be easier to expose them when the family is all together -- whether it's at your home or your in-laws'.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my amazing husband for two years. He has worked his butt off to put me through school, and I am appreciative and thankful.

He has recently been offered a promotion, which means we will have to move from the South to the Midwest. Though I'm not a fan of the idea, I agreed it would be best for us. I grew up in the North, and took the chance to move down south at 18 because I was miserable there. I hate the possibility that I'll be miserable again, and I'm afraid I may end up resenting my husband.

If he passes up this opportunity, he may not get another. How can I curb my resentment for having to move to another state I'm pretty sure I won't be happy in? -- FLORIDA GIRL, FOR NOW

DEAR FLORIDA GIRL: One way would be to recognize that you are no longer the miserable 18-year-old girl you were when you moved down south. You have matured, you have a successful marriage and you won't be returning alone. Once you relocate, involve yourself in the community so you can make new friends. And last (but not least), because people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be, decide to make the best of this opportunity and ALLOW yourself to be happy.

DEAR ABBY: I lost my best friend to AIDS in '95, my father to cancer in '06 and my husband/lifetime partner to a heart attack in '07. My greatest support, John, moved away the following year. A father, friend and partner -- too many losses. John filled the holes in my heart, but he's also gone now, from leukemia.

I mourn my losses, but cherish the love I have been given. Please remind your readers to appreciate whom and what they have. Don't wait for a "special" day. Call the people you love today and tell them how much they mean to you. I'm calling my mother now. -- MIKE IN NEW ORLEANS

DEAR MIKE: I'm sorry for the losses of your father, your best friend, your partner and John. I'm passing your message along because I, too, believe the time to hand roses to those we care about is when they are still able to smell them.

DEAR ABBY: A few weeks ago, I finished knitting a baby blanket for a good friend. Shortly afterward, she miscarried. I hadn't yet given her the blanket, and now I'm not sure what to do with it.

It seems heartless to send it to her now, but after putting so much time and love into it, throwing it away or re-gifting it seems like a terrible option. How can I put this item to good use and cause as little pain as possible? -- ANXIOUS KNITTER IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR ANXIOUS: It would not be "re-gifting" to give the blanket to someone, since you never gave it in the first place. As I see it, you have a couple of options. You could hold onto it in case your friend becomes pregnant again. Or how about donating it to a worthy cause, such as a domestic violence shelter or Project Linus (projectlinus.org), which provides blankets to children in need? I'm sure if you do, it would be appreciated.