DEAR ABBY: When I was 19 and played bass in a rock band, I fell in love with a guy I'll call "Brian." He was three years older and also a musician. We had the best times together -- we were young and wild without a care in the world.

But the years rolled on and we got older. After six years together, I got pregnant. I thought Brian would be thrilled, but he wasn't. It changed how I felt about him. I was heartbroken and lost respect for him.

I grew up fast, and put our son, "Ricky," first. Brian, on the other hand, has refused to give up his rock 'n' roll lifestyle. He shows up to see Ricky two or three times a month, but doesn't even look at him. I can't stand the way he ignores our son. Brian says I can't alter who and how he is. I say, if we mattered to him, he would change on his own. This leads to arguments.

Which is worse -- having my son grow up with an absent father who's not "present" even when he's here? Or Ricky seeing us fight all the time, but leaving the option for Brian to be a part of his life? Or should I get my ex out of our lives for good, and risk resentment from Ricky because I moved on with our lives? -- FULLY FORMED ADULT IN L.A.

DEAR FULLY FORMED: If Brian didn't care about Ricky, he wouldn't show up two or three times a month. What strikes me as sad, however, is that he apparently doesn't know how to relate to his son.

Rather than exclude him entirely, stop the arguing and suggest that he and Ricky would both get more out of the visitations if he enrolled in a parenting class for fathers. Tell him that for the sake of Ricky's emotional well-being, you would be glad to help facilitate it any way you can, including helping him to research some of them online.

DEAR ABBY: My 15-year-old son, "Todd," has started seeing a girl he goes to school with. "Winona" seems to be a nice girl from a good family. However, my son confided that her parents (mostly the mom) have started asking him all sorts of questions like, "I thought you were a good student. Why aren't you on the honor roll?" "Do you keep your room clean?" "Would you change for our daughter?"

Todd is a good kid and a good student (A's and B's mostly.) He has strong morals, lots of friends and is a typical teen. He isn't asking for that girl's hand in marriage! It's their first "boyfriend/girlfriend" relationship. They just like each other.

Is the mom out of line, or am I being too sensitive? -- DUMBFOUNDED DAD IN ILLINOIS

DEAR DAD: Because this is her daughter's first boyfriend, the mother may ask these questions because she's protective, and it's her way of trying to get to know your son better. Please try not to take what's happening so seriously, because she'd probably ask the same questions if Prince Harry were seeing her precious daughter. That's how some mothers are -- until enough boys become so uncomfortable that they disappear and the daughter finds it so embarrassing she puts a stop to it.

DEAR ABBY: I have dated a lot of women over the years -- including actresses, beauty contest winners and models. Every one of them, except my current live-in, "Amanda," would dress up in lingerie when I asked them to.

Amanda adamantly refuses. She says if I love her, I should be turned on whether she's nude or wearing lingerie. Part of the problem is she's not in the best shape, and the lingerie would hide that.

I have tried bargaining with her, but she won't agree. She doesn't understand why I'm not chasing her around all the time. I have tried to explain that I don't find a tummy sexy. She just calls me Shallow Hal. Advice? -- HAL IN NEW YORK

DEAR HAL: I'd love to know what attracted you to Amanda in the first place, since your "type" seems to have always been women who are arm candy. Sadly, taut bodies don't always last. At some point, age, pregnancies and the pull of gravity can cause them to sag. By the way, with the exception of pregnancy, this can affect men as well as women.

Bottom line: If physical perfection is what you need to feel aroused, then you and Amanda may be a mismatch because NOBODY'S perfect. (And this includes you.)

DEAR ABBY: I have started using an effective coping skill when I get upset about something or someone at work. I "vent" in a personal email to myself and send it to my home email address.

Well, today I got upset with my office buddy, so I sent myself an email. But instead of it going to my home, I mistakenly sent it to her and it hurt her feelings. I never meant for her or anyone else to read it. The technique keeps me from staying angry at work. As soon as I realized what I had done, I sent her an apology and we talked about it afterward.

I feel terrible about hurting her, because she is a sweet person, and it was a complete misunderstanding on my part. She told me she accepted my apology. What else can I do for her, or should I just learn my lesson? -- FLUBBED IT IN FLORIDA

DEAR FLUBBED: I think your apology was enough. However, because it hasn't assuaged your guilt, consider asking if you can treat her to lunch. And in the future, look twice before hitting "send." Better yet, go "old school" and write your thoughts in a notebook you keep in your purse.

DEAR ABBY: I am scheduled to attend a wedding later this month. Well, I just found out the groom's uncle is not a real minister, and that he purchased his minister's license online.

I think it is very disrespectful to people who take religion seriously, and to real ministers who spend years studying in order to be ordained. There's nothing wrong with having a judge preside over the ceremony, but to have a fake minister preside makes the whole ceremony a fraud.

If I say anything, I know it will cause hurt feelings, so I'm keeping my mouth shut. Am I an old fuddy-duddy? -- SILENT IN SPRINGFIELD, ILL.

DEAR SILENT: You are entitled to your feelings, but if this uncle is the person the happy couple wants to officiate, you shouldn't judge. If their choice makes you uncomfortable, stay home.

DEAR ABBY: Today, Dec. 1, is World AIDS Day. With effective treatment, people with HIV can live as long as those without HIV. Fear, shame and ignorance remain barriers to testing and treatment, which can be more deadly than HIV itself.

People with HIV who are in treatment need never develop advanced HIV (formerly full-blown AIDS). Please encourage your readers, regardless of age, gender or sexual orientation, to get tested, and if positive, to get treatment. HIV can affect anyone. -- MARY IN FREDERICK, MD.

DEAR MARY: I'm glad you wrote. Knowing one's HIV status is extremely important because, unlike in years past, the disease can be controlled. But in order to do that and not spread it to others, it is essential that sexually active individuals get tested.

Readers, you can be a healthy HIV-positive person and control it IF you know you have it AND get treatment. Ask your doctor about being tested, if you have one. If you don't have a doctor, contact your county health department about how to find testing and treatment in your community, or visit www.freehivtest.net for information about free tests in many areas across the nation and abroad.

DEAR ABBY: I am retired, divorced and never had children. My two sisters have four adult children between them. Their kids are all married and have children themselves.

Every Christmas there is a gift exchange, which I don't attend because I stay in Florida during the winter. At this stage in my life, I dread the holiday because it is expected that I spend a minimum of $50 per person for two dozen people.

I own some properties I am desperately trying to prepare for the market. At my age, I no longer need or want anything. It has reached a point where the "preferred" gift is money, which isn't the idea behind the Christmas holiday. How can I politely stop this habit? -- MRS. EBENEZER SCROOGE IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR MRS. SCROOGE: You politely stop the habit by telling your sisters in advance that you are trying to prepare your properties for sale and money is limited. Therefore, you will be buying Christmas gifts only for your younger grandnieces and -nephews from now on (if you choose). Be sure to send the adults lovely holiday cards, however, so they know they are remembered.

DEAR ABBY: Besides the usual snoring most wives tolerate, I have had to endure something worse. At least once a week for the last few years, my husband will make a fist while asleep and swing it across the bed, striking me. The last time, it caused a tooth to chip, and frankly, it scares me to death.

He is by no means violent when awake. Other than sleeping on the couch, what can I do? -- BLACK AND BLUE IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR B AND B: Before your husband causes you any more physical harm, schedule an appointment for him with a sleep disorder specialist. For both your sakes, please don't put it off. Your doctor or medical insurance carrier should be able to refer you to one.