DEAR ABBY: I'm a mostly happily married wife and mother. I love tattoos. When I was younger, I was engaged to my soul mate. His name is tattooed on my wrists in honor of the love we shared. Unfortunately, he was killed in a car accident.

Several years later, I met and married my husband, "Brett." When we fight he brings up the tattoos. He says they're "disrespectful" of him and I should get rid of them. It upsets me because I got the tattoos before I ever met Brett, so how can they be disrespectful? Am I being unreasonable, or should my husband back off? -- ILLUSTRATED WOMAN IN COLORADO

DEAR ILLUSTRATED WOMAN: The tattoos are in no way disrespectful to your husband. They are the same body art you had when he married you, and if he didn't complain back then, he shouldn't now. When you're fighting and Brett tells you to get rid of them, he's doing it to hurt you because he knows they are meaningful and he's trying to get under your skin. Insist on dealing with the subject at hand and don't take the bait.

DEAR ABBY: I'd like to know if there's any way to stop my mother-in-law from inviting herself to every birthday party and graduation our children have. They are pre-teen and teenagers now. She has done this for years, and it often doesn't end well. Because they are older, they prefer to hang out with their friends, do sleepovers, etc.

Because she insists on staying the night, it's hard to have room for sleepovers. She complains if she has to sleep on the couch, and she also has a fit if she's not getting enough attention from the kids because they'd rather be with their friends and not her the whole time.

I have tried explaining that she should come the weekend before or after, but she shows up on the birthday anyway. Her complaints ruin their birthdays, to the point that I no longer look forward to them. Any advice, since another birthday is right around the corner? (Maybe she'll read this and have a change of heart.) -- MISERABLE MOM IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR MISERABLE MOM: Your mother-in-law sounds like a handful. However, I do believe that grandparents should be invited to milestones like graduations, where family is important.

It's hard to imagine Grandma would simply show up at the kids' party after being asked to stay away, but you can't slam the door in her face. When she barges in, for your own sake tune her complaining out. Walk away if you must. As to altering the sleeping arrangements to suit an uninvited guest -- don't do it.

Where is your husband in all of this? She's his mother; if you can't make her see reason, then he should. It's normal for teens to want to celebrate with their contemporaries -- and Grandma had better get used to it before they turn tail and run whenever they see her coming.

DEAR VETERANS: I salute each and every one of you for your service to this country. My heartfelt thanks as well to the brave and dedicated men and women who are still on active duty. You are the personification of patriotism and self-sacrifice for your dedication to our country. -- Love, ABBY

DEAR ABBY: A year ago, I ended a turbulent five-year relationship with my boyfriend, "Alex," that resulted in a special-needs child. Alex is not living in reality when it comes to our daughter's disabilities, and his family is not present in her life.

Our daughter, "Meghan," spent months in the hospital before she was healthy enough to come home, and Alex's family visited only a few times. I have tried to resolve the issues with Alex's family so our daughter can have a relationship with them, but it is still one-sided. Meghan's paternal family will send a present for her birthday or Christmas, but they spend no time with her. They have other grandchildren in other states that his mother drives hours to see, but she won't drive five minutes to see my daughter.

I'd like to start rejecting the gifts they send Meghan with a note explaining why. I find it disturbing that they'll spend money on my child, but are unwilling to spend time with her. I feel the gifts are a payoff. I don't want Meghan to feel like the odd man out when she's old enough to realize how she is treated compared to the other grandchildren. Abby, what are your thoughts? -- END OF MY ROPE

DEAR END OF MY ROPE: I hate to see you sever your already tenuous ties with Meghan's paternal family. Their behavior toward her may have something to do with the fact that she has disabilities, or the "turbulence" of your five-year relationship with their son.

If they would consent to it, I would recommend family counseling for all of you. However, if they won't, and because you feel that their lack of involvement in Meghan's life will eventually become hurtful to her, you are within your rights to reject their gifts and find more support for her within your own family.

DEAR ABBY: My son tells me no one wants to hang out with him at the small community college he attends. He is a handsome, loving, polite young man who earned the citizenship award three years in a row in elementary school. His sister and I were discussing that maybe he is being TOO polite and it could turn people off. No one likes the "nice guy." Do you have any advice I can give him? -- RAISED A GOOD BOY

DEAR RAISED A GOOD BOY: I disagree with your statement that no one likes a nice guy. Nice people like nice people. From this distance, I am unable to guess what your son's problem might be.

However, it is telling that you are seeking advice about his social problems, not him. The best advice you could convey to your son would be to talk about this with a counselor at school. Together, they may be able to figure out why he has trouble fitting in. You should also encourage him to get involved in activities, which should widen his circle of acquaintances.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, who has a beautiful head of dark curly hair, decided to let it grow. It is now about halfway down his back. Sometimes he braids it or pulls it into a ponytail. Other times he wears it down and it falls loose. The problem is, I can't bear to look at him.

He has always been clean-cut and had short hair. But as time has gone on and many of his friends have begun losing their hair, he says he wants to grow his out while he can.

I know that in the grand scheme of life, hair shouldn't be an issue, but I can't seem to get past this. I think it's because of the way he used to look. I can't talk to him about it because he really likes his hair. This feels like MY problem, but how can I deal with it? -- TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING

DEAR TOO MUCH: If you can't look at your spouse because his flowing tresses are a turnoff, this must be affecting many aspects of your marriage. Although he likes his hair long, if you address it in those terms he may be willing to listen. However, just as women should be free to wear their hair the way they want, the same should apply to males.

P.S. I'm surprised his friends want to hang around with a walking reminder that they are follicly challenged.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I went to a Mexican resort with five other couples for a seven-day vacation. On the second day, one of the wives, "Sandra," received the news that her sister "Kate" had died unexpectedly. The funeral would not be held until two days after we returned.

Sandra's husband was furious at the family member for calling. What did they expect her to do, hop a plane? We were all affected by Sandra's loss. The first two days all five couples were having a ball. After that call it was like someone popped the balloon -- it was never the same for any of us.

Some of us feel they could have waited until the last day before calling, although I personally think they should have waited until she got home. Sandra and Kate were completely dissimilar and not close. Even Sandra said, "Well, at least I had two good days of vacation." Should the family have waited? -- DISGUSTED IN WISCONSIN

DEAR DISGUSTED: It depends, I think, upon the dynamics in the sisters' family and to what degree Kate's death was a shock to everyone. When death happens out of the blue, people sometimes react emotionally rather than rationally, which may be why the relative called immediately.

I agree with the friends who said the sad news could have been conveyed on the last day of the trip. Had Sandra been told immediately upon her return home, she might have been grateful. On the other hand, she also might have been furious, saying, "How could you keep this from me!?" That said, in my opinion it would have been kinder to let Sandra and her husband enjoy their holiday, since it was already too late to rush to the sister's bedside.