life

Mom's Surprise Pregnancy Is Not Pleasant One for Her Girls

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 8th, 2015 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am 44 and my husband of 20 years is 48. On a recent second honeymoon trip to Sweden, I became pregnant. We already have two beautiful, intelligent daughters, 17 and 14. One started university this fall while the other's a high school sophomore.

My problem is not so much the high-risk pregnancy, but rather that both of my girls strongly oppose the idea of us keeping the baby. Not only were they not thrilled when I broke the news to them, but they also cried.

My younger daughter is now giving me the cold shoulder. She doesn't like change and thinks having a sibling will disrupt our life. My older girl said she is glad she will be at the university so she won't have to have anything to do with the baby.

I am deeply hurt by their reactions. I need help to talk to them. Please give me some advice. -- EXPECTING IN CANADA

DEAR EXPECTING: Far more important than how your immature and self-centered daughters feel about your pregnancy is how you and your husband feel about it. Teenagers don't like to consider their parents as sexual beings, which may be part of the reason for their reaction.

Not knowing your girls, I'm not sure what they need to hear other than you love them and hope at some point they will become mature enough to accept the situation. But do not allow them to put you on the defensive. You don't owe them an apology. As a matter of fact, they owe you and their father one.

Family & Parenting
life

Son Becomes Mom's Taxi Service After Her Car Is Totaled

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 8th, 2015 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law was in a car accident a few months ago and her car was totaled. Since then, my husband takes her food shopping and wherever else she has to go. She has made no effort to buy a new car. She's content with calling him for every need.

She wasn't injured and she isn't disabled. If she doesn't want to do something, her excuse is, "I'm an old lady. I can't do it." It's annoying. She doesn't come visit or call to check on us. She makes us feel like our family has to do everything for her -- while she claims she's "independent."

This has been an issue for a while and I'm sick of it. I suggested she do her grocery shopping online and have it delivered to her house. Once again, she gave the same excuse.

I think she needs a man so I can have my husband back. What do you think? -- OVER IT IN PHILADELPHIA

DEAR OVER IT: From the tone of your last remark it's clear you and your mother-in-law aren't close and probably never were. Philadelphia has a very large transit system. Surely there is alternate transportation for her -- buses, taxis, Uber and Lyft come to mind. If she was so traumatized by the accident that she's afraid to get behind the wheel again, she may need a therapist to overcome it.

Whatever the reason, this won't stop until you and your husband quit enabling her. Give her a list of what's available and "suggest" she use it the next time she calls wanting a ride. If she needs groceries, offer to order them online for her yourself if she isn't computer literate. And your husband should also offer to help her find a new car.

Family & Parenting
life

Finding Playmate for Daughter Is the Wrong Reason to Adopt

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 7th, 2015 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am a 24-year-old single mother of an amazing 3-year-old girl. I have had more than my share of turmoil with her father. We are no longer together, and he isn't in the picture. Abby, I feel damaged. I'm afraid I will never love again or find anyone to love me the way I need.

My daughter is my shadow. We are literally joined at the hip. She's lonely, always around adults and has no one her age to play with. I really want to have another child. While I may never have the right man to father one, I'd like to save a life and adopt another daughter and playmate for my little girl.

Some people may see me as too young or unable to do it. But the love, care and providing for my child exceed anything I'll ever do in my life. What do you think? -- MATERNAL MIDWESTERNER

DEAR M.M.: To adopt a child for the reason you have stated would be a terrible disservice to an innocent child. If you want your little girl to learn to make friends with other children, then enroll her in day care, where she will be exposed to some.

As to your feeling that you are damaged and will never find love again, many women feel as you do after a bad breakup. Most of them heal, learn from their experience and go on to have fulfilling lives. In your case, it may take the help of a therapist to find your self-confidence again. But trust me, it can be done. Another child is not the answer to what's ailing you right now.

Love & DatingFamily & Parenting
life

Doctor's Visit Reveals Sister's Subterfuge

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 7th, 2015 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My 35-year-old sister accompanied me to see the doctor because I told her I have been having thoughts of harming myself. While we were there, the doctor expressed concern about the amount of strong prescription painkillers I have been taking. He brought up my record, and it showed I have picked up this medication four times in the last month.

Abby, my sister has been getting these pills, not me! In the past, she ordered them and picked them up for me when I was unable to do it myself, but I had no idea she has been collecting more in my name until today. I didn't want to get her in trouble, so I didn't admit the truth to the doctor, but then he started to insist that my sister keep any medications I have under lock and key "in case I decide to harm myself."

I don't know what to do. She made me promise not to tell anyone, and I don't want to get her into trouble. (She's training to be a nurse and this could get her kicked out of the course.) Please help. -- ANXIOUS IN ENGLAND

DEAR ANXIOUS: Straighten this out with your doctor immediately! Do not try to "protect" your sister. There are programs for health care workers who become addicted to drugs, and she needs to get into one right now. If you need medications, you will have to arrange for someone other than your sister to dole them out -- another relative, a friend, pharmacist, whomever. Your doctor may be able to suggest someone.

Family & ParentingMental HealthHealth & SafetyAddiction
life

Bride-to-Be Upset When Ex Gets Job at Wedding Venue

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 6th, 2015 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am marrying a wonderful man I love dearly. We have planned a dream wedding for ourselves rather quickly. I secured the venue we wanted. There was no other place or date available to us as backup. At this point, we would lose thousands if we cancel.

After months of meetings and negotiations with the woman who manages the facility, I was shocked to receive a text from my last ex-boyfriend informing me that he is the new general manager of the venue, and will be my point person of contact from now on. Things did not end well in our relationship, and he still owes me money from a loan I gave him right before the breakup.

This is extremely upsetting for me. I can't imagine having to plan my wedding with someone who mistreated me and took advantage, nor do I want to see him on my wedding day. How do I express this to the staff I worked with until this point so that I won't sound bitter or petty?

I know people can't steal our happiness unless we let them, but he was not part of the equation when we chose this location, and we can't move our nuptials to avoid him. Please help me see a way out of this because I feel trapped. -- BLUSHING BRIDE

DEAR B.B.: If you have been working with a wedding planner, that person could be the point of contact with this man rather than you. If you don't have one, you and your fiance -- or your maid of honor -- should contact your ex and inform him that you both prefer he have no part in planning the wedding and you would prefer he remain out of sight when it occurs.

If he gives you any trouble, contact the owner of the facility, explain your predicament and ask that person to intervene. If that's problematic, then you may have to involve an attorney to see what your options are.

Holidays & CelebrationsLove & DatingMoney
life

Perfect Men And Expensive Cars Both Need Customizing

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 6th, 2015 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: Why do women spend half their lives in search of the perfect man? And then when they find him, spend the other half trying to change him? -- INQUIRING MIND, CORPUS CHRISTI, TEXAS

DEAR INQUIRING MIND: I suspect it's for the same reason a man will buy a beautiful, expensive new car and then customize it.

Marriage & Divorce
life

Trouble Swallowing Pills Complicates Cancer Treatment

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 6th, 2015 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am a 57-year-old woman who has been diagnosed with cancer. I am currently receiving good treatment.

My problem is, I can't swallow pills. I have never been able to swallow pills and -- trust me -- I have tried everything. Is there anyone out there who can help me? I need to be able to resolve this issue. -- MARY ELLEN IN MISSOURI

DEAR MARY ELLEN: Because of the seriousness of your illness, your doctor/oncologist should be told about this right away. It's possible that your medication may be able to be prescribed in liquid, powder or another form, rather than in pills.

Health & Safety

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