life

Woman Held in High Esteem Fears Exposing Imperfections

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 17th, 2015 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I met an amazing man and have been dating him for about three months. It was almost love at first sight. I say "almost" because I was hesitant to get involved since I am his boss.

My problem is, for six years I was in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship. My ex threw me through a wall, leaving me with broken ribs and lacerations on my face. I was constantly called "fat" -- especially when I was pregnant.

Now that I'm with this new guy, I feel awkward. He tells me how pretty I am, and I don't know how to respond. It makes me uncomfortable when he says it, and I have no idea why. I have fallen so hard for him, but feel like I hurt his feelings when I don't respond. It's not that I think I'm ugly or anything; I just feel like I am not as pretty as he constantly says I am.

How can I overcome this so it doesn't become a problem in the future? I'm scared to death that one day he will wake up and realize that I'm not as perfect as he thinks I am. -- NOT PERFECT IN ALABAMA

DEAR NOT PERFECT: I don't know whether your self-esteem problem is long-standing and deep-seated, or if it stems from the abusive relationship you had with your ex. But a way to conquer it would be to discuss your feelings with a licensed mental health professional.

On a related subject, it is common knowledge that workplace romances -- while not uncommon -- can turn into disasters if they don't work out. They sometimes fail because of the imbalance of power in the relationship if one person has economic control of the other. While you're talking to your therapist, this is something that should also be discussed.

Love & DatingWork & SchoolAbuse
life

Social Media Isn't Social Enough For Older Generations

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 17th, 2015 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: Social media -- specifically Facebook -- has had an impact on families, their values and relationships. It is important to understand that, contrary to popular belief, parents and grandparents DO NOT LIVE FOREVER. Being "too busy" for face-to-face visits, writing a postcard or a letter, or even a simple telephone call, is not how we were brought up.

To my children and grandchildren, whom I dearly love: I'm sure you'll take the time to order flowers for my funeral. You may even take the day off to attend, and when you do, you will most likely shed some tears. So why can't you find the time, while I'm still here, to visit or call? I'd love to see you, and I'm never too busy to make the time. -- HURT IN PELLA, IOWA

DEAR HURT: I'm printing your letter because I'm sure this is a problem shared by many aging parents and grandparents. However, this is a question you should direct to your children and grandchildren, not me. If you do, you may learn there may be multiple reasons why they don't pay more attention to you -- among them, the pressures of work, school, child care, or the fact that they are disorganized and don't budget their time well.

There is also the question of whether you are an enjoyable person to be around. Do you show an interest in what they are doing, or make them feel guilty for not doing more to entertain you? That's a surefire way to keep them away.

Family & Parenting
life

Wife Doesn't Share Man's Joy Over His Upcoming Retirement

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 16th, 2015 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I'm retiring at the end of this year after 50 years of full-time employment and I'm very excited about it. Looking back over my life, I see there have been several life-changing events ... marriage, the births of our children, buying a home and, now, retirement.

My wife gets irritated every time I say (about twice a week), "When I retire." I'm looking forward to all sorts of activities that I'll have time for. Why can't she be excited too? She makes snide remarks like, "Well, when you retire, you won't have anything to say." The implication is that all I talk about is my retirement, which isn't true. And if it were true, it's a big deal to me. What should I say to my wife? -- EXCITED IN MARYLAND

DEAR EXCITED: You might start by asking why her reaction is to rain on your parade about something you're clearly looking forward to. She may be worried about how her life will change once you retire, or she may be a tad jealous. But you won't know until you have a frank conversation with her that isn't passive aggressive or tinged with sarcasm.

Marriage & Divorce
life

Expectant Dad Is Determined To Stay

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 16th, 2015 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have been in a relationship with a woman, "Wendy," for more than a year. She has one child, whose father isn't in the boy's life, so I fill the role of his daddy. We are now expecting a child together.

Wendy had a bad experience with her ex not wanting anything to do with his child. She also has a friend who has had kids with different men who ended up not treating them the same. Lately, Wendy has been pushing me away and trying to get me to leave. I have no plans to leave and I don't want to.

My question is, how do I make her understand that I'm not the same as the other men, and I want to be there for both children? -- MAN IN A TOUGH SPOT

DEAR MAN: A marriage proposal and joint premarital counseling might go a long way in helping your girlfriend understand that you aren't planning to disappear in a puff of smoke. It might also give you more insight into why she wants to push you away, just in case it's because she isn't as serious about you as you are about her.

Family & ParentingLove & Dating
life

Enjoyment Of Soft Summer Night Is Shattered By Wind Chime Cacophony

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 16th, 2015 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: After the long winters in Minnesota, we look forward to summer to open our windows and enjoy the fresh air. However, we are unable to do that because of wind chimes. Apparently, wind chime owners don't understand (or care) that the noise carries throughout the whole block, especially on windy nights. PLEASE, folks! Take down your chimes and hang up something quiet instead. -- MIFFED IN MINNESOTA

DEAR MIFFED: If your solution to this problem is writing to me hoping your neighbors see your letter, please allow me to offer a better one. Bake a batch of cookies (or another confection), and take it to these neighbors. When you hand your gift to them, explain that their wind chimes are driving you and some of the other neighbors to distraction. Then ask if they would please be kind enough to take them down and suggest that perhaps they hang a basket of flowers in their place.

Friends & Neighbors
life

Friend Drafted as Photographer Gets Harsh Review From Bride

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 15th, 2015 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: Recently, my husband was asked to be the best man at his friend's wedding. The happy couple did not have the financial means to hire a photographer, so I was asked to take pictures of the ceremony and reception.

I'm not a professional photographer, and the bride knows that. I gladly photographed the nuptials on the couple's big day. Of course, I charged them nothing for doing it.

I am now on the receiving end of insulting comments regarding the photos I took. When the bride rudely voiced her displeasure, I was taken aback. I did nothing less than my very best to accommodate her, and I have received nothing but ingratitude and disrespect for my efforts.

I believe in keeping commitments I have made. I intend to complete the edits of the original photos and create a wedding album as I promised. However, how do I tactfully address the situation with the bride if she "reminds" me again of my lack of professional photography skills? -- SAD NEWBIE PHOTOGRAPHER

DEAR PHOTOGRAPHER: Alas, it seems that no good deed goes unpunished. The next time the bride "reminds" you, all you have to do is "suggest" that for the next happy occasion she spend some money and hire a professional instead of hitting up a friend for a freebie and then complaining about the result.

Holidays & CelebrationsFriends & Neighbors
life

Friend Puts Her Big Heart At Risk By Rescuing Dying Animals

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 15th, 2015 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have a friend, "Riley," who is the sweetest woman I know. She's in her mid-20s and has a stable job, but I'm afraid she is setting herself up. She rescues animals that are terminal or nearly so. She's great with them and should become a veterinarian. A few she has brought back to health, but others just can't be saved.

My concern is that when Riley loses one, she breaks down. She cries for hours on end, but the minute she gets a call, she willingly takes in another one.

She's like a sister to me, and I respect and admire her determination to care for these creatures and give them love when no one else will. How can I nicely say to her that I think she shouldn't accept any more rescues because she will only continue to get more depressed? -- CONCERNED FRIEND IN GEORGIA

DEAR CONCERNED: There is no nice way to say that to your friend. What you can say is that you are concerned about her because of the depression she experiences when she can't save one of her animals. For an animal lover, the loss of a pet is painful and personal, and her reaction isn't unusual.

Mental HealthDeathFriends & Neighbors
life

Girlfriend Gets A Dressing-Down For Walking Around Barefoot

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 15th, 2015 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am hoping you can clear this up. A few weeks ago, my boyfriend and I had some of his family members over for a visit. It was very casual, as usual, more like a Sunday afternoon drop-in. I came out of our room barefoot, because I usually walk around that way in the house. I was scolded by his grandmother and told I was rude to walk around barefoot when there is company. Was she right? -- BAREFOOT CONTESSA

DEAR BAREFOOT: No. She was out of line to criticize you. If people choose to go shoeless in their own home, it's really nobody else's business.

Etiquette & Ethics

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