life

Forward Thinking Can Help Parents Deal With Cancer

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 13th, 2015

DEAR ABBY: I'm writing in response to "Not Talking About the Future" (March 24), whose wife has breast cancer, was told she has only a few years to live, and feels sad when her kids talk about their futures. My dad was diagnosed with stage four multiple myeloma, a type of blood cancer, in 2006. He was told that even the most aggressive treatment would buy him only two or three more years. Well, he's now working on year nine.

While I must admit that it's been hard at times for me to stay positive about his prognosis, I try not to let it show. Instead, every chance I get, I talk about the future with him -- holiday plans, plans for my wedding next year, projects around his house, etc. It helps to take his mind off the pain and nastiness of his treatments and gets him thinking about positive things.

Forward thinking has been great medicine for Dad. "Not Talking" and his wife don't really know how much more time she actually has, and it certainly doesn't hurt to think positively. -- LOOKING AHEAD IN GLENDALE, ARIZ.

DEAR LOOKING: Thank you for your upbeat message. Read on for a sampling of what other readers had to say about that letter:

DEAR ABBY: "Not Talking" asked if he should shield his sick wife from discussions involving the future. One thing my mom, who died last year, did for the future was to take a video of herself visiting with her grand-nephews so they would have it to look at when they are older. She also bought -- or gave us -- things for our future adopted child, to give to him or her later on. She crafted notebooks for us to hand out at her memorial service, so everyone would have something to cherish from her.

"Not Talking's" wife may want to consider doing some of these things. I send her, and everyone else dealing with cancer, a prayer of peace. -- PROUD DAUGHTER, VANCOUVER, WASH.

DEAR ABBY: I was 13 when my father found out he had cancer. I didn't know what it was, and no one in my family sat me down and told me he was going to die. He passed away at a hospital out of town, and I wasn't there when it happened. When I was told, I was heartbroken.

Now, as an adult, I am crushed that I wasn't able to have the conversations with him I needed -- about his boyhood, grandparents, his time in the Navy, my dreams, and just spending precious time with him. I would suggest that "Not Talking" and his wife tell their teens about her prognosis of three to four years. They deserve to know. They should have the opportunity to discuss what's going on in their lives and allow their mom to reflect on her own life, and her hopes and dreams for her kids. -- MISSING MY DAD IN INDIANA

DEAR ABBY: Being a teenager is challenging, but having a dying parent can make it excruciating. No matter how mature the teens appear, they are not ready to deal with what is coming.

The family may benefit from the Stephen Ministries program (stephenministries.org). Stephen Ministers are trained lay volunteers assigned to provide one-to-one care to people experiencing a difficult time in life. Many Christian denominations participate. The parents can contact their local congregation to see if the program is available. -- BEEN THERE IN FORT WORTH

Family & ParentingDeathHealth & Safety
life

Husband Embraces Online Contact All Too Eagerly

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 12th, 2015 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: Are senior citizens having more affairs these days? I used to laugh at the "old couples' sex letters" I'd see in your column -- until it hit home.

My husband (age 68) ran into a 38-year-old ex-waitress friend. They had lunch, which led to emails and texts, which led to sexts and then a full-blown affair. I believe these personal/secretive forms of communication make going from texting to sexting much too easy.

Our generation didn't have much sexual freedom growing up. I think men of that generation have a "go for it before it's too late" mentality, and the combination of the Internet and Viagra is making it possible.

Should every couple insist on access to their spouse's devices? How do you broach the subject? I wish I had seen the number of texts being sent early on. Then this whole ugly affair might have been averted. Now my trust, my respect and our marriage are all in crisis. -- SHARON IN NAPLES, FLA.

DEAR SHARON: Technology and medicine are extending the sex lives of many seniors these days. However, I don't think it's necessary for couples to check each other's electronic devices if there is no cause for suspicion. In your case, because of your husband's infidelity, you do have that right -- and the way to broach the subject is to tackle it head on. And if you haven't already, insist that your husband join you in marriage counseling.

Sex & Gender
life

Boyfriend's Dogs Are Double Trouble

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 12th, 2015 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am dating a guy (seriously) who is fantastic. "Kyle" is smart, trustworthy, kind -- and incredibly gorgeous. The problem is, he has two Boston terriers who drive me crazy -- one in particular whose breathing is so loud all the time that we can't even hear a TV program or each other speak. That dog is super hyper and has destroyed numerous things in my house. Kyle's house reeks of doggy odor, and the dogs also have horrible gas and vomit often.

If we are staying over at my place, his dogs come with him. I hate it! It is the weirdest thing, but I notice my anxiety level rises when the dogs are here, running around and snorting uncontrollably. There are other issues, but I don't want to write a novel.

I am trying to live in the moment and not let it bother me. But in this moment, it is intrusive and annoying. What can I do? -- BRYAN IN CHICAGO

DEAR BRYAN: Kyle may be gorgeous, but he doesn't appear to be a very responsible pet owner. He should have asked his veterinarian to check his dogs when he realized they were having repeated gastrointestinal upsets. As to the poor animals' breathing, it may be because short-faced dogs are prone to breathing problems.

It's possible that Kyle is so used to the doggy odor in his house that he no longer smells it. That's why it couldn't hurt to tell him YOU have noticed it, that it's overwhelming, and it's time to get a professional cleaning crew in there.

Love & Dating
life

Woman Goes to the Mat to Defend Yoga Photos

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 11th, 2015 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: A family member has recently lost more than 100 pounds running and doing yoga. She looks fantastic. Yoga is the focus of her life now, and she posts daily photos of herself on social media. In many of them she is scantily clad and in poses some might consider risque.

Whenever she attends family gatherings or outings to public places, she wants to take pictures of herself in various poses. This makes some of the people she's with uncomfortable. She says she doesn't care what others think, but there have been quite a few negative comments about this, and people have "unfollowed" her on social media. Others think it's OK for her to do her thing. What is your opinion on this? -- GAGGING IN GEORGIA

DEAR GAGGING: Your relative deserves praise for having adopted a healthier lifestyle. However, because she doesn't care what others think, any family member who finds her pictures too risque for their comfort should quit following her on social media.

Etiquette & EthicsHealth & Safety
life

Mom's Plans For A Guest Room Stumble Over Daughter's Childhood Trophies

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 11th, 2015 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Kelly," and I are arguing over whether she should take her trophies with her when she moves out on her own. I feel that when kids move out, they should take all their belongings. Kelly thinks I should keep the 10 to 15 trophies she won in beauty pageants when she was younger.

I'd like to turn her bedroom into a guest room where visiting relatives can stay, but I'm having difficulty getting my daughter to take all her stuff. Although she has grown out of her childhood trophies, she expects me to hold onto them. I suggested she pack them up and store them in her attic so she can show her children her accomplishments one day. What do you think? -- BEAUTY QUEEN'S MOM IN INDIANA

DEAR MOM: I think that if you want a guest room instead of a shrine to your daughter's beauty contest achievements, you should set a deadline and insist that her trophies be removed.

Family & Parenting
life

Birthday Mix-Up Should Cause Friends A Good Laugh

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 11th, 2015 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: A friend of mine and I have exchanged birthday cards for many years. Several years ago, she started sending me two cards each year -- one on my birthday and another five or six months later. After a couple more years passed, the "second date" became the only card she sent.

I know I should have said something, but I didn't want to embarrass her. This year on my "birthday" she even called to wish me a happy one.

Is there anything I can do now? My REAL birthday is coming up soon, and I feel bad that I didn't nip this in the bud in the beginning. -- ONE AT A TIME IN WASHINGTON

DEAR ONE: Oh, for Pete's sake! Friends should be able to level with each other without ruining the friendship. If you want to save her from embarrassment, tell her YOU are embarrassed because you didn't say something earlier. Then enjoy a good laugh together.

Friends & NeighborsHolidays & Celebrations

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