DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "Ken" for 10 years. He is a successful business owner. It has been a struggle to stay married to him because he has control issues and when he doesn't get his way, he begins a verbal assault on his victim -- usually me. He has no friends because he runs them off, claiming they did him wrong (not true), and his employees don't like him and talk badly about him behind his back. They stay because he pays well. He uses his money to control people.

I love Ken, and life can be normal at times, but once he thinks I'm getting out from under his thumb, his destructive behavior begins. He treats me like his worst enemy. The pain is becoming unbearable. One minute he tells me he loves me, and the next he is punishing me for not coming home from the store on time.

I researched online and learned he has many of the traits of a narcissist. It scares me because he doesn't know he has a problem. He thinks the rest of the world is messed up instead of him.

How can I approach him in a way that won't send him over the edge? When I say anything to him he thinks is an attack, he comes back at me viciously. I don't know whether to stay, hoping he'll see the light one day, or get out before I'm emotionally damaged beyond repair. -- BROKEN IN TEXAS

DEAR BROKEN: Your husband may have a personality disorder, but you are a victim of emotional and financial abuse. Much as you might want to, you can't "fix" him because he appears to be comfortably in denial about having a problem. It is important, however, that you get some help for yourself.

Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline and talk to someone there about what has been going on (thehotline.org, (800) 799-7233). They can help you formulate a safe plan of escape, should you need one.

Next, consult a lawyer about what your rights are as a wife in the great state of Texas. If you can find out what the marital assets are, do that as well -- but do it quietly, because if your husband realizes, he will likely try to move/hide them or retaliate to get you back under his control. I don't have to tell you how unhealthy his behavior is, but it may take your leaving to make him take a look at himself.

DEAR ABBY: A bus station I was waiting in had two clearly marked men's and women's single restrooms. What do you say or do when the women's bathroom is occupied and there are two women waiting ahead of a man to use the men's restroom? Who has priority for the men's room in this case? The two women ahead of me in line, or me, the male who came after them? I'd like to point out that they were young women who were clearly not in an emergency. -- WAITING IN LINE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR WAITING: The person whose gender matches the sign on the door should take precedence -- although a gentleman probably wouldn't insist upon it if a lady seemed to be in distress.

DEAR ABBY: I am 21 and on my second marriage. My husband of two years is every girl's dream man -- the kindest, gentlest, most patient guy. He loves me for everything, including my flaws. I honestly believe he is the only one who could ever handle me.

So tell me, why am I cheating on him? I never thought I could find myself in this situation. I have a lot happening in my life, but there is no excuse for why I am straying from such an amazing husband. I love him, but when I get a text, I hope so badly that it's from the other man, and when it's from my husband I feel disappointment.

We see the other man. He works for my parents. This situation is messy, and I don't know what to do. I can't tell my husband -- it would ruin his life. I'd rather just leave him without giving any reason than tell him the truth. I want to leave him and live my own life, but I'm afraid to be on my own. I don't know why I stay. I'm lost and confused. Can I have some advice, please? -- RECKLESS IN FLORIDA

DEAR RECKLESS: You're playing at matrimony as if it were a game instead of a deep, enduring partnership. Staying married to someone because you're afraid to be on your own is doing both of you a disservice.

If you think leaving your husband "for no reason" would be less hurtful than telling him the truth, you are mistaken. You owe it to him to level with him about the affair so he won't blame himself for your leaving. When you do, I strongly recommend that you get counseling from a licensed mental health professional to help you slow down and more carefully consider what you're doing before you marry a third time.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 3 1/2 years to my wonderful husband. We are both 51. It's my first marriage and his second. He complains that I am not sensual enough for his needs, or intimate enough. I have been with only two men in my life but have dated a lot. I'm Catholic and had no complaints from my ex-fiance.

My question is: How do I become more sensual and intimate? His complaints are vague. We see a marriage counselor every three weeks. I can ask the counselor. I can ask a close friend. I can buy books, but thought I'd also give you a try. -- NOT GOOD ENOUGH IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR NOT GOOD: Honest communication is essential in a strong marriage, so the person to ask is your husband because only he can answer this question.

I'm glad that the two of you are in marriage counseling, and I recommend you raise this subject during your next session. Because your husband seems capable of only vague answers when you have asked for clarification, your counselor may be able to encourage him to open up. If that's not possible, then the two of you should consult a licensed sex therapist.

DEAR ABBY: Whatever happened to respecting one's elders and recognizing grandparents as head of the family? I recently returned from visiting my son, his wife and my new grandchild. My son's wife and I had many disagreements on how to care for my grandchild. Instead of respecting my years of experience as a mother and appreciating my help, she chose to ignore my instructions and advice.

After I returned home, I was told by my son that I was no longer welcome to visit my grandchild unless I apologized to his wife for trying to undermine her parenting. I told him she should apologize to me for not showing me respect as the grandmother.

How can I make my son see that it is his wife who is wrong, and not me? -- UNAPPRECIATED GRANDMA

DEAR UNAPPRECIATED: It would be interesting to know how closely you adhered to your parents' and in-laws' parenting advice, because when your children came along I'll bet you had your own ideas on the subject.

Showing respect and following your orders are not the same thing. It is a mother's right to care for her baby as she sees fit, and you should show her the respect she deserves by allowing her to do that and not turning it into a power struggle. Unless you do, you will be seeing very little of any of them.

DEAR ABBY: When we visit my parents' graves, we always leave flowers. Invariably there are flowers also at my father's -- not put there by my wife and me. Because Dad has been gone since 1963, we can't figure out who could be putting flowers on his grave only. My sister thinks he had a secret girlfriend. I don't think so. What's your opinion of this? -- STUMPED IN SACRAMENTO

DEAR STUMPED: Your dad is dead and gone. I assume he was good to your mother, and there wasn't a breath of scandal. Why look for trouble where none exists? Suggest to your sister that she should focus on the positive, and be glad someone cared enough about him to continue to honor his memory.

DEAR ABBY: When we visit my parents' graves, we always leave flowers. Invariably there are flowers also at my father's -- not put there by my wife and me. Because Dad has been gone since 1963, we can't figure out who could be putting flowers on his grave only. My sister thinks he had a secret girlfriend. I don't think so. What's your opinion of this? -- STUMPED IN SACRAMENTO

DEAR STUMPED: Your dad is dead and gone. I assume he was good to your mother, and there wasn't a breath of scandal. Why look for trouble where none exists? Suggest to your sister that she should focus on the positive, and be glad someone cared enough about him to continue to honor his memory.