DEAR ABBY: "Concerned in Massachusetts" (Feb. 20) used her status as a hospital employee to access her husband's medical records and found a history of STDs. I'm a registered nurse with 40 years' experience. Every healthcare organization I know of teaches all their employees about HIPAA violations and that accessing private patient medical information is a criminal offense. It is essential that patients know they can trust us to protect their privacy. We have specific policies against using one's employee status to access a relative's medical information.

"Concerned" is lucky she still has a job. At my institution, she would be terminated for violating organizational policy and federal law. She wouldn't have to worry about how to broach the subject with her husband; she'd be explaining why she was fired. He may not be a saint, but neither is she. Her actions were unacceptable and reflect a clear lack of integrity and honesty. -- SAFEGUARDING THE RIGHT TO PRIVACY

DEAR SAFEGUARDING: Thank you for your informed response. You are not the only reader who was appalled at what "Concerned" had done. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Like "Concerned's" husband, I, too, am labeled as high risk for STDs based on a medical survey I completed, although I have had a monogamous 30-year marriage and do not do drugs of any kind. In that survey, they asked how many partners I had in my lifetime. Those few other partners were before I met my wife.

"Concerned" indicated that her husband had been treated twice for STDs "some years back." What does that mean? Were they married then? If not, is he labeled high risk due to his previous behavior? Perhaps there is something deeper in the relationship that needs addressing -- such as why there are weeks between sexual contact with her husband.

It's ironic that she's bent out of shape over infidelity concerns, but thinks it acceptable to betray the privacy and ethics rules governing medical professionals. -- VINCENT IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR ABBY: "Young at Heart in Texas" (Feb. 9) could have written my story. I am also a 70-year-old man who is sexually dysfunctional. I, too, was lonely, having outlived two of my brides. However, I did find someone who appreciates holding hands and whispering sweet words without more physical contact.

Abby, you said: "Not only do I think you can (find companionship), I suspect you may need police protection to control the crowd of applicants. Years ago, my aunt, the late Ann Landers, polled her female readers asking if they would prefer 'holding and cuddling' to actually doing 'the deed.' The majority of them answered in the affirmative."

My first wife died of a heart attack after 30 years of marriage. My second wife died after eight years of marriage, of kidney cancer. At 71, I married my third wife, a wonderful woman just as you both describe. She was my next-door neighbor. We have been married three years and nine months. (The Bible says, "Love thy neighbor," so I married her!) We also enjoy cuddling, even without doing "the deed."

So I say to "Young at Heart in Texas": YES, you can find a woman such as you and Abby describe. And when you do, I suggest you rub her back often. Women love it! -- YOUNG AT HEART IN COLORADO

DEAR YOUNG AT HEART: I'm glad your story had a happy ending, and I'm crossing my fingers that "Young at Heart's" will, too. Thanks for writing to encourage him.

DEAR ABBY: I recently found a notebook of my mom's. On the outside cover it said, "Disclaimer: Do Not Open Unless You're Me!" Being the curious soul that I am, I opened it despite the disclaimer.

As I flipped through the pages, I learned many things about my mom that I didn't know, like her faith in God and how the things that happened in her life molded her into who she is today. I stopped at the page titled, "The Summer of 10th Grade." As I read it, I learned the truth about how I was conceived. Written in capital letters were the words "I WAS RAPED." It felt like the world had stopped. I had no clue.

I'd always assumed Mom got pregnant at 16 because she made stupid decisions, but I was wrong. I could never imagine how my mom could get through a day without looking at me as a reminder of what happened to her.

Where do I go from here? Should I confront her about it? I have no one to talk to, so I hope you can give me some advice. -- CHILD OF RAPE

DEAR CHILD: I'm glad you wrote, because it gives me an opportunity to point out that if you hadn't been wanted, your mother had other alternatives. If you had no clue, it's because you are the daughter she loves, and I'm sure you have been a source of much joy in her life.

If you feel the need to discuss this with her, then you should. Because she left the notebook in a place where it could be discovered, she may have subconsciously wanted it to be found.

DEAR ABBY: At 24, I am fortunate to have loving, functional relationships with my mother, father, stepmother (of 15 years) and stepsister. I attribute my healthy childhood to the fact that my mom and dad have always acted as best friends when we're together, despite having been separated almost my entire life.

However, lately I have been finding my parents' relationship very inappropriate. They have been hanging out together often without me, and almost certainly without my stepmother's knowledge. I have stumbled upon suggestive texts that imply a flirty relationship, and probably more. I don't know whether these are recent developments or if I have just stopped being naive.

I would never want my stepsister to discover anything about my mom and dad the hard way. I especially don't want to see her hurt by becoming a child of divorce. Would I be overstepping my boundaries if I asked my mom and dad to spend less time together and restrict their relationship to being parents to me and that's all? -- HURT CHILD-WOMAN

DEAR HURT CHILD-WOMAN: If you approach it the way you have written it to me, yes, I think you would offend both of your parents. If you are afraid your stepsister may be hurt if her parents separate, be there to comfort and support her, but do not insert yourself into what may or may not be an explosive minefield. This may be the way your mom and dad have always related to each other, your stepmother may be aware of it, and you could come across as extremely presumptuous.

DEAR ABBY: I am currently renting a room in the house of the mother of a friend of mine. The house is also shared with my friend's younger sister, who is in a relationship with another woman. Their relationship is pretty violent. The other night I was in my room, which is located next to the sister's room, and could hear her beating up on her girlfriend.

The mother is aware of the situation and has threatened to call the police if she doesn't stop, but she never does. I'm afraid if I say or do something, I'll be asked to leave since it isn't my house, even though I pay rent. What should I do? -- RENTER IN LAREDO, TEXAS

DEAR RENTER: If you have a written lease for the room you're renting, you cannot be evicted without cause. Talk to the mother and tell her that if she doesn't call the police when her daughter starts beating up on her girlfriend, you will. And if it happens again, follow through. If you do, the daughter may get the help she so obviously needs, and her victim will have a chance to get some help through domestic violence counseling.

DEAR ABBY: I have seen letters in your column about insensitive, thoughtless remarks made by others about loss and grief. It has been my experience, though, that no one can ever say just the right thing. There are several stages of grief, and one never knows for sure which level the bereaved has reached. Therefore, any comment will most likely be the wrong one.

My advice is if you don't know what to say, state the obvious -- "Gee, I don't know what to say." Hold the person's hand briefly. Don't hug unless initiated. Take your cue from the person grieving. But remarking, "He's in a better place," "It's probably for the best," or "He was in so much pain" is wrong. The bereaved can say these things, but for you to do so seems like passing judgment.

"I don't know what to say" works for divorce, breakups or any catastrophic event. It has worked for me countless times. I have said nothing offensive, but left the door open for the friend or relative to engage in some much-needed venting. I hope my experience helps someone. -- DIPLOMATIC OUT WEST

DEAR DIPLOMATIC: Well said. You are indeed a diplomat.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a middle school boy and I enjoy the company of a certain girl very much. I expressed my feelings to her a couple of times, and at one point we almost kissed. The problem is she has a boyfriend. What's your advice on getting her to be with me? -- MIDDLE SCHOOL BOY

DEAR MIDDLE SCHOOL BOY: If she almost kissed you, it means she's attracted to you, too. So be patient, be cool and bide your time. If you do, pretty soon your time will come, she'll tire of her boyfriend, and you will avoid a black eye.