DEAR ABBY: My son is being deployed for 10 months. His wife and baby are coming to live with me, and I am thrilled.

My concern is that his wife is a picky eater and she doesn't do much around the house. Would it be too much to ask her to help with the chores while my husband and I are at work? How do I handle the mealtime dilemma? (She doesn't cook.)

I don't want her to feel like she's our live-in maid or that we're mean about the meals we prepare. We want to be the best in-laws we can be. Help? -- MEANING WELL IN THE EAST

DEAR MEANING WELL: After your daughter-in-law arrives, schedule a family meeting during which everyone's household responsibilities will be discussed. If necessary, create a chart to keep track of them. If there are things she is able to do, assign them to her. If she's clueless, then teach her. Do not overload her, and make sure she understands that you and your husband also have chores you will be doing.

Because she's a picky eater, ask her to list what items she wants in the house so they are available. If she's interested, offer to show her how to prepare some of the dishes your son has always enjoyed because it would be a nice surprise for him once he returns. And arrange regular monthly meetings, so that if adjustments need to be made, they can be done without hurt feelings or misunderstandings.

You are all adults. If you want this to work and are all willing to communicate and listen, you should be able to accomplish your goal without your daughter-in-law feeling like the maid.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter and her husband are taking their three boys to Europe for five weeks. The 13-year-old has been acting out. He has been rude to his school bus driver, disrespectful to his mother, was the "class clown," and shows all the signs of an uncomfortable pubescent boy without a safety net to catch him.

We are two states apart, so it would be difficult to lend a hand. My grandsons are very close to me, and there are lots of tears when they leave Grandma.

I taught inner-city school for 20 years and have often told my daughter how important consistency is. This precious boy is pleading for attention the wrong way. The other two boys, ages 9 and 12, are not problematic kids.

My fear is that the 13-year-old is not ready or mature enough to handle five weeks in Europe, and not disciplined enough to keep his cool. He is capable of a caper that may lead to his disappearance.

Am I crazy to be this concerned? I have told my daughter my thoughts, but she is the mother, so I am treading lightly. -- WORRYING IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR WORRYING: Are you "crazy"? No. You are a loving, caring grandmother who is worried about her grandson. But regardless of how well-meaning you are, this isn't your decision to make. If you have shared your thoughts with your daughter, you have done as much as you can. Now cross your fingers and wish them bon voyage.

DEAR ABBY: My father is expecting his seventh child with his current "fiancee." I am the oldest of six girls; this child is expected to be a son. His fiancee is 11 years my junior -- 33 years younger than my father.

I recently started a family and have two children under the age of 2. For various reasons, I am fed up with playing nice regarding my father's relationships and irresponsible behavior.

They are having a baby shower for the expectant parents, and I don't want to attend. My husband thinks I am wrong because I can't muster up the spirit that a baby shower is supposed to evoke. I think I'm being smart for not bringing my funky attitude. Should I attend? -- OLDEST CHILD

DEAR OLDEST: I don't know how your siblings feel about this impending birth, but try to remember that showers are intended to celebrate the new life that's coming into the world. This isn't about whether you approve of your father's behavior or his choice of women. If he is as irresponsible as you say, that poor little boy will need all the help and emotional support he can get in the future.

If you opt not to attend, it may drive a wedge between you and your father, so I'm voting with your husband. Go with your siblings, be pleasant and leave your funky attitude at home, because if you don't, the person you will be isolating is yourself.

DEAR ABBY: What is it with people? My mother-in-law, "Ellen," passed away last Thursday. Even before her viewing a neighbor informed us -- through Ellen's attorney -- that Ellen had given her a wicker patio set that the neighbor hadn't taken, but had told Ellen to use as long as she wanted. Then at the church, before the funeral service, another friend told us Ellen had intended to donate some used items to a charity, implying that we are obligated to do the same.

Don't people have manners any longer? -- OFFENDED IN OHIO

DEAR OFFENDED: Your letter illustrates why it is so important for everyone to put their wishes in writing before departing. While I agree with you that the timing was insensitive, the people involved may have wanted to be sure you were aware of Ellen's intentions before you disposed of the items.

Before distributing any of your mother-in-law's effects, this is something you should first discuss with her lawyer.

DEAR ABBY: As a young adult in my early 20s, I've been experiencing some pretty big changes in my life, including (after some major research and internal debate) the decision to convert to a different religion. However, something is preventing me from following through: I have an anxiety disorder that makes being in new situations and places I'm unfamiliar with extremely daunting. I'm not having second thoughts about my choice by any means. I am just at a loss about where I should start and what I need to do. Any advice is welcomed. -- ANXIOUS CONVERT IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR ANXIOUS: Visit the church, temple or mosque you wish to join and share your concerns with the priest, minister, rabbi or imam. If you do, that person can see you are introduced around and ease your way into the religious community.

DEAR ABBY: I am 18 and live with my parents. I have a part-time job and I also attend a local university. My parents and I have always gotten along, and I have been obedient and respectful of their rules.

I have suffered from depression for years, but now I have finally met someone who makes me happy and feel like I am worth something. Abby, he is of a different race. This doesn't mean anything to me. I know he's a great guy and I really like him. The problem is, my parents are very racist.

They have done so much for me that I feel guilty dating someone they don't approve of. They have told me to never date someone like that. I am torn and ashamed of them, and I don't know what to do.

How do I break it to them? Am I wrong for being with a genuine, amazing guy who finally makes me happy? -- FINALLY MET SOMEONE IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR FINALLY MET SOMEONE: I'm glad you are finally feeling better about yourself as a person, but before discussing this with your parents, it would be better if you separate the issues of your chronic depression and your feelings for this young man.

If this relationship were to end for some reason, would you cycle back down? If your parents react badly -- as they may -- would you be able to live independently? Are your parents capable of moderating their attitude about people of a different race? And because racism can be universal, how does his family feel about you?

Please consider these questions carefully, because until you have the answers and are prepared to be out on your own, I don't think you should make any announcements.

DEAR ABBY: I run around with my sister "Pam" a lot. She is eight years older. She had a face-lift some years ago, and she continues to seek out cosmetic procedures to enhance her appearance. I have had Botox and fillers, but do not want a face-lift. I am trying to age gracefully, just at a slightly slower pace.

I love my sister and I think she looks beautiful. However, when Pam and I are together and tell people we're sisters, they always think I'm the older one. My feelings are hurt.

When our father died, I gained 30 pounds. Food was how I dealt with my grief. I have been working hard to get in better shape and lose weight. I am halfway to my goal, and proud of myself, but when these encounters happen, I get thrown. How do I answer people who ask about the age difference and make those comments? -- YOUNGER ONE IN FLORIDA

DEAR YOUNGER ONE: Not everyone ages at the same rate, and I don't think the people who make those comments do it intending to be hurtful. With all the help she's getting, it's no wonder your sister appears younger.

If someone remarks about you appearing older, all you have to say is, "Nope! She's my BIG sister." And should someone comment on your appearance, be honest. Say you gained some weight, but you're working on taking it off and getting back into shape. It's no disgrace; it's admirable.