DEAR ABBY: Two years ago, I came out as male-to-female transgender. My wife has come around since then, and our second child will be born before I start my transition.

She has decided to stay with me, but occasionally she tells me she isn't sure if she can be married to a woman. On the other hand, she says she doesn't want to have to share custody of our children.

I have urged her to talk to a therapist, because she gets a few free sessions from her job. Because she doesn't like people knowing about her problems, she steadfastly refuses. I'm not sure what else to do. I won't make her stay if she can't handle it, but I refuse to tell her I'll give her full custody. -- LIVING MY TRUTH IN THE EAST

DEAR LIVING: If your wife prefers, out of concern for her privacy, not to talk to a therapist who's connected with her job, that is her choice. But that does not mean she shouldn't get counseling elsewhere to help her make rational decisions about her future. A support group that could also be helpful to her is the Straight Spouse Network (straightspouse.org), which has been mentioned before in my column.

As for you, my friend, you should consult a lawyer who specializes in family law and gender issues. Lambda Legal (lambdalegal.org) should be able to refer you. With help, you should be able to work out a fair and reasonable custody arrangement, should it become necessary.

DEAR ABBY: I'm attending a close friend's bachelorette party and have confirmed that having it in an adult club is "a priority" for her. I'm uncomfortable with the idea of entering such an establishment because it goes against my personal beliefs. We are all staying with friends, so I can't just head back to my hotel room or go home. How can I excuse myself from this part of the event without causing too much trouble for anyone? -- READY NOT TO PARTY

DEAR READY NOT TO PARTY: Because all of the bachelorettes will be out of town and you prefer not to attend the "main event," level with the bride about your feelings, give her your regrets, wish her well and stay home.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 73-year-old man. Over the years I have sometimes cried over sad, heartwarming stories in books or on TV, especially those involving children.

I have also lost several loved ones, and although I was as sad about these losses as anyone else, I was never able to shed tears over it.

Why do I cry over things that don't pertain to me or anybody in my life, but can't when someone I love passes away? Is something wrong with me? -- TEARLESS IN WICHITA

DEAR TEARLESS: Tears can be cathartic, but people react to death in different ways. Not everyone can cry on cue, even if it would be a relief to be able to. Sometimes there's just a deep "ache," like lead in one's chest. In your case, it may be less painful or threatening to cry over a sad movie than a funeral. When tears finally come (usually over something less significant), they can be more copious than one would expect because they have been bottled up.

DEAR ABBY: Several months after I had my first daughter from a six-year relationship that ended sadly, I started flirting with a married man. (I realize now that I was still heartbroken and trying desperately to forget my ex.) The flirtation turned into a full-blown affair that resulted in another child. Her father isn't in the picture because the now-ex-wife (who still lives with him) forbids him from having any contact whatsoever with our daughter.

I admit I have lied by telling my little girl that her daddy is a workaholic, and that's the reason he doesn't see her when she asks about him. She is now 4. How or when do I tell her the truth? Would counseling help? -- ON THE SPOT IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ON THE SPOT: You didn't mention whether your former lover is contributing financially to the support of his daughter, but if he isn't, please make sure he does. An attorney can help, and so can the child-support agency in your state.

And yes, it would also be a good idea to discuss this with a counselor to help you communicate to your daughter, in a way that's age-appropriate and won't damage her self-esteem, that Daddy won't be in the picture. It's important she knows she can trust her mother to give honest answers when she asks a question, because if she doubts it, it may create problems when she's older.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I were going along in life, doing it our way, until we decided we wanted to return to the church, so we stopped drinking and smoking pot. We hit a rough patch in that journey and divorced, but we didn't stop going to church. It's crazy, I know. After we divorced, I knew I messed up and deep down I knew I loved him.

So, now that we have remarried, it seems like he's taking the role of Christian husband back to biblical times. This means he is the head of the house (which I get), but to the point where I am almost like a fixture.

I would say I'm here for my looks, but I am overweight. I would say it's for the sex, but it isn't happening morning, noon and night, if you know what I mean. I would say it is the money, but now, after his last raise, he makes more than I do.

He cooks most of the time because he gets home before me. The house is always clean, and we share the household bills and expenses. So, I'm kinda lost and confused. Do I have a purpose here? Or am I only here to help pay the bills? -- STARTING TO WONDER

DEAR STARTING TO WONDER: Only your husband can answer that question. However, part of a husband's duties to his wife is to make her feel "honored and cherished," and if that isn't happening, your remarriage is in trouble. Marriage counseling (possibly within the church) might help you to reconnect with each other, and I strongly recommend it. Unless you find out why you're unhappy and fix it, this marriage will not last.

DEAR ABBY: May I comment on the letter from "Open-Minded in Pennsylvania" (3/6), the adoptive mother of a biracial child who asked for a witty comeback for strangers' comments/questions? This is a rare teaching moment! If a parent reacts with the slightest hint of displeasure, the child will think the parent is displeased with her/him.

We adopted a daughter of a different race 29 years ago. When I received comments/questions from acquaintances and strangers, my face would light up, and I'd respond, "Oh, we adopted her! She is Filipino! We are so blessed to have her in our lives!" Usually, the person would smile and say something positive. The rare times someone didn't, we would hurry on with a wave and a smile, and I would hug her close.

Our daughter has grown up proud of her ethnic background and knowing she's special. She is now married and the proud mother of two biracial children. -- JUDY IN TEXAS

DEAR JUDY: You handled the situation beautifully. I heard from a slew of adoptive parents after printing that letter. Let me share some of their comments:

DEAR ABBY: Thirty years ago, we adopted two baby girls of a different race from ours. Our adoption social worker gave us some insightful advice about what to do when someone made a bigoted or ignorant remark. She said:

"Always remember your child is watching you to see how she is supposed to feel about what has just happened. If you become upset and defensive, your children will feel that way too and begin to believe something is 'wrong' about them and your family. So take the role of teacher and educate the ignorant person. Keep it light, add humor if you can, and then chuckle later with your child and other family members about the silly dumbness of a few people in the world." It worked for us. -- ANTONIA, MOTHER OF TWO

DEAR ABBY: When my adopted son from Bogota, Colombia, was about 4 months old, we were shopping for groceries one day. A woman approached our cart and asked, "Where is he from?" I smiled and replied, "Heaven!" -- KATHY IN NEW YORK

DEAR ABBY: I employ a strategy I learned from your column. I face the questioner with a smile and say, "I am stunned that you would ask such a personal thing!" The look on the asker's face is priceless. And it makes it quite clear that I have no obligation to respond to anything someone may choose to ask. To that mother: Hold your head high, radiate pride in your precious child, and know all's right in your world. -- PAT IN THE NORTHWEST

DEAR ABBY: I have a wonderful grandchild of mixed race. When I'm asked insensitive questions like, "What is he?" I smile, hold him close, and respond, "He's PERFECT -- don't you think?" -- PROUD GRAN IN SOUTH CAROLINA