DEAR ABBY: I represented my daughter "Stacy" and her husband as their real estate agent. When any of my children purchase a home, I waive my commission. My daughter knew I had been trying to finance a trip to South America for my husband so he could complete his "bucket list." She gave me a cruise on one of the most expensive cruise lines and airfare to South America as a gift for helping with their home purchase.

After my husband reviewed the itinerary, he said it wasn't the trip he had in mind and wanted to know if my daughter could change it. I was embarrassed to ask her after receiving such a gracious gift. He became indignant and said if she really wanted to give him something he wanted, she wouldn't mind changing the trip.

I told Stacy I couldn't accept her gift because it was too much money. My husband is now angry with me because he feels I am the person at fault for the loss of the trip. Is my husband right that we should request a gift exchange from the giver, or was I justified for not accepting it in light of the fact that it was too much money? -- JUST WANTS PEACE

DEAR JUST WANTS PEACE: Your husband sounds like a handful. He was at fault. Your mistake was allowing him to put you in the middle.

I'm sorry you fibbed to your daughter about why you refused her generosity, because the expense had nothing to do with it. Your husband's ingratitude had everything to do with it. Because the cruise didn't suit him, he should have spoken to her and asked if the itinerary could be adjusted. That way nothing could have been lost in translation, and he might have gotten his wish.

DEAR ABBY: During WWII, while I was overseas in the Navy, I received a "Dear John" letter. It was devastating, especially because I was so far away and unable to immediately respond. Do you think it is appropriate for a person to send such a letter while the person is far away, especially while in the service, or should the person wait until the service member returns home and say it's over face-to-face?

After all these years, I have heard many pros and cons about this question. I can think of no one else with such a wealth of knowledge in this area to ask but you. After hearing from you, I will finally put this to rest. -- JOHN IN VINELAND, N.J.

DEAR JOHN: A decade ago I would have said -- and DID tell someone -- to wait until the person came home. My thinking was the news might demoralize the recipient and distract the person enough to get her/him killed.

I changed my mind after hearing from service members stationed in the Middle East who told me I was wrong -- that it's better to get the word while there were buddies close by who could be emotionally supportive. They suggested that if the service member hears the news when he gets back -- alone and possibly traumatized by what he or she has been through -- that it could make the person more vulnerable to suicide.

DEAR ABBY: I recently found out my grandmother has been diagnosed with lung cancer and has elected not to treat it. The doctors give her a year at the most. My dilemma is whether to extend just one more olive branch.

She has never been a "warm and fuzzy" type of grandmother. She was cold and distant when I was in my teens and 20s, and downright mean when I was in my 30s. If I try to talk to her at family functions, she turns away and begins a conversation with someone else, not even acknowledging that I'm standing there. Last year at a family reunion, she took several photos with my mom and sister, and when it was suggested I join them in the photo, she walked away before one could be snapped. I'm not the only family member or grandchild she behaves this way toward. None of us knows why.

Do I try one more time, suspecting the diagnosis hasn't softened her heart and that I'll again end up with hurt feelings? Or do I assume that nothing I do now will change who she is and that I will have no positive, happy memories of her? -- INVISIBLE IN KANSAS

DEAR INVISIBLE: Frankly, the chances of your grandmother transforming into someone warm and accepting don't look promising because she appears to be a punitive and unhappy person. However, if you feel you might have regrets if you don't try once more to connect with her, then make the effort so that when she dies, you'll know you did everything you could. Don't do it for her; do it for yourself.

DEAR ABBY: Ever since I was young, which was not that long ago, I have known my parents' marriage wasn't a healthy one. But only recently has it begun to affect me emotionally. It isn't that I blame myself, but that I'm afraid of how my own romantic endeavors will fare.

Recently, I was told about my mother's infidelity. I was always curious and suspected that one or both of them had affairs. But now more than before, I worry about finding love. Love is something we all seek, and I believe we all need, but I don't see myself as able to handle that kind of heartbreak.

I understand why Mom did it -- that's part of what hurts me. I'm angry that they would masquerade a failure "for me," that failure being their "relationship." I think my anger is valid. My family has screwed me up emotionally and it started long before I knew what was going on. What should I do? -- SCREWED UP IN OREGON

DEAR SCREWED UP: When children are raised in a household where the parents' words and actions are different, they cope either by believing only what they are told (even if it contradicts what they see happening) or only what they see. While it can interfere with forming healthy relationships later in life, it's the way they keep themselves sane.

You are right to be concerned, and I hope you will discuss this with a licensed counselor or therapist because if you do, you will find it helpful.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend of 10 years, "Scott," and I separated last year. I was pregnant and hormonal at the time, and told him we would never get back together. We went a month without contact, then reconnected.

While Scott was in the process of working things out with me, he had a girlfriend. He made it seem like not a big deal, but apparently it was more serious. He told her she was the love of his life and he didn't want to lose her, etc. When our daughter was born five months later, he told me he was done with the other woman. They talked for a month after our baby arrived and then he cut her off.

I recently found some old messages between them, and my heart shattered all over again. Scott says it was all a joke and he never meant any of it. The text messages imply otherwise.

I don't know if I should take another break to clear my head, or wait until my heartache passes. Please help. -- EMOTIONAL IN THE SOUTH

DEAR EMOTIONAL: If you were convinced that Scott has been completely honest, I doubt you would have searched his message history. As to his relationship with the other woman being a "joke," I doubt she was laughing when -- after hearing she was the love of his life and he didn't want to lose her -- he announced it was over.

You appear to like drama. You brought this on when you told Scott the two of you would "never" reconcile. I do think you should take a break until you are less emotional, because the choices you have made so far haven't been entirely rational.

DEAR ABBY: I live on soft drinks. I don't eat real food. I can't remember the last time I ate a hot meal, much less vegetables. I exist solely on massive amounts of soda -- two two-liter bottles a day. If I put food in my stomach, it's usually bread or candy.

I don't binge and purge. Because I'm never hungry, I don't look at it as starving myself. The last time I tried to get off the soda I got sick to my stomach, light-headed and felt out of sorts. I don't know if I'm addicted to the caffeine, the sugar or both. I want to be able to go to a restaurant on a date and eat like a normal person.

I don't know what to do or how to do it. This liquid diet is slowly killing me and I need help. I have expressed my concerns to my doctors and even my therapist. I don't think they believe me or understand the extent of my problem. What would you suggest? -- STUCK IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR STUCK: It appears you have an eating disorder. Because your doctor and your therapist both seem unable to understand that and help you, consider replacing them. You should also consult a licensed nutritionist who is a registered dietitian (R.D.).

Caffeine and sugar withdrawal can both cause the symptoms you describe. Neither withdrawal is "fun," and both can cause headaches and more. You may have to wean yourself rather than quit cold turkey, and a nutritionist can help you to create a personalized eating program that's right for you.