DEAR ABBY: My wife, "Tina," was very hurt by a friend recently. Her friend "Sally" called her "cheap" during a conversation ("she's cheap like you"). Sally didn't intend it to be hurtful, just an illustration -- but my wife is very upset about it.

We use coupons when we grocery shop or dine out; we also watch our thermostats, recycle, etc. On the other hand, we have sent our children to university without loans, our mortgage is paid off, we have traveled extensively and our net worth is north of a million dollars with no debt. How do I make Tina realize that Sally's comment should not upset her so? -- THRIFTY IN TEXAS

DEAR THRIFTY: What happened was unfortunate because the problem may be that Sally simply chose the wrong word. What she probably meant was that your wife is frugal. The difference between "frugal" and "cheap" is that being frugal is a virtue. Because Sally hurt your wife's feelings, Tina needs to tell her how it made her feel so Sally can apologize to her before it causes a permanent rift.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a teenage girl who has a fantastic life, a loving family, great grades in school and a nice house. I have a problem that seems to be taking over my life: I'm very anxious.

At first, it seemed I was just a worrywart, but lately, it's been nuts. I'm terrified someone in my family is going to die and I worry obsessively over it. I try to think it's going to be all right, but my anxiety just overtakes me.

I'm terrified of death and that my parents or my siblings will die tomorrow. I don't know who to tell. My parents freak out over the slightest thing. Please help me. -- WORRYWART IN ARIZONA

DEAR WORRYWART: Many young people harbor the same fear you have. But because you say your parents tend to "freak out" at the slightest thing, I can't help but wonder if a tendency toward high anxiety runs in your family.

Assuming that your family members are in good health, your preoccupation with the idea they might suddenly die should be discussed with a licensed psychotherapist. Ideally, you should tell your parents what's going on, but if you're afraid to talk to them and ask for help, then speak to a counselor at school so the counselor can bring it to their attention. Because this is troubling you to the extent that you have written to me, please don't procrastinate.

DEAR ABBY: How do you politely refuse to hug or shake someone's hand because of a medical issue that lowers your resistance to infection?

I had a stem cell transplant 18 months ago because of a recurrence of Hodgkin's lymphoma. I'm now on a drug that keeps my white blood count low. If I get a fever, I could end up in the hospital. I have been in remission for over a year and look healthy.

I don't really care to get into a long conversation about my experience, but I don't want to put myself at risk. How should I handle this without appearing rude? -- HOLDING BACK IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR HOLDING: Not extending your hand should send the message. However, if you are pressed, tell a short version of the truth, which would be, "I can't do that because I have a medical condition that prevents close contact."

DEAR ABBY: I am the youngest of three boys. When I was growing up, my brothers didn't have much to do with me. At times they were cruel, mocked my interests and made fun of my friends. At 19 I moved into the dorms, even though I was attending college locally.

My professional life took me away from my hometown for 25 years. Both brothers pretty much ignored me, except for calls on my birthday that were filled with awkward silence because we didn't know each other well enough to talk about anything. I lived abroad for long periods, and even though I sent emails and postcards, I never heard anything from them in reply.

Now I live back in my hometown and I am expected to participate in holiday and family events because "it's family." Please give me the words to use to refuse invitations I do not want, from a family who made it clear that they had no use for me for so long. -- WARY IN WISCONSIN

DEAR WARY: Give the following standard refusal: "Thank you for wanting to include me, but I already have other plans." No one can argue with that. I do, however, suggest you choose one holiday a year to spend with your "family" as a way of maintaining minimal contact. That way they can't accuse you of snubbing them.

DEAR ABBY: Three widowed friends of mine still have their late husbands' voices on their answering machines. I think it's spooky and in really bad taste.

Is there any way to gently suggest to them that they change their greeting to one in their own voices or an anonymous one? I'm a widow, too, and I wouldn't think of leaving my greeting that way. -- FLABBERGASTED IN FLORIDA

DEAR FLAB: Different strokes for different folks. Has it not occurred to you that these ladies not only do not find the sound of their late husbands' voices the least bit spooky, but that they might call their own numbers in order to hear it? They may also feel safer having a male voice answer their phone. Because you find it upsetting, consider texting or emailing them instead.

DEAR READERS: The departments of psychiatry and medicine at Tufts Medical Center want to learn more about the impact that caregiving has on family members and friends of people who have been diagnosed with schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder.

Because family members and friends of individuals with mental illness play a large part in providing care -- while also balancing jobs and other life responsibilities -- the physicians and research scientists at Tufts are asking you to share the impact caregiving has on different aspects of your life, including your ability to work and your health and well-being. This information will be used to improve services to caregivers and the people they support.

If you are interested in participating in this study, please visit tinyurl.com/TuftsCaregiver. Participation in this study is voluntary and involves completing an anonymous survey.

Dear Abby readers are the most generous and caring folks in the world, and I hope some of you are willing to help with this project.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 18 and smarter than many people realize. I carefully evaluate every situation to find the best solution, but I can't find one for this problem. My boyfriend, who I've been with for two years, has recently started watching hermaphrodite porn on a website where there are naked pictures of local girls.

"Roy" has admitted he knows several of the girls on the site. When I told him it makes me feel insecure, he lied and said he hadn't been on it. Even though I showed him the history, he still denied it.

I don't know what to do. I feel uncomfortable with him now. I feel like I'm not satisfying him or that he wants someone else. -- INSECURE IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR INSECURE: While Roy may have been embarrassed to have been caught, I am still troubled by the fact that he wasn't honest with you. Whether you're not satisfying him is beside the point.

That he lied to you in the face of evidence to the contrary should be a wake-up call. The question becomes -- what else has Roy been less than truthful about? Does he have a fetish? Is he bi-curious?

It would benefit you if you could have an honest conversation with him about it. I don't blame you for feeling uncomfortable right now. Rather than search for shortcomings within yourself, take a long, hard look at Roy. Do you need a boyfriend you can't trust, particularly if you think he may have had sex with some of the individuals who appear on a porn site?

DEAR ABBY: My mother asked me on one hour's notice to take her on an errand. Although I wasn't planning on going out that day, I obliged. Because she's elderly, I parked as close to the door of the business as I could. I honestly didn't see any signs or any parking meters. When we came out, there was a $25 ticket on my vehicle. I was so upset Mom gave me a $20 bill to help.

She now says she did it because I made her feel guilty and, since it is my car and she's my mother, I should pay for the whole thing and return her money! I wouldn't have been there in the first place if I hadn't been doing her a favor. I offered to pay $15 if she'd pay the rest. She refuses.

If I'm stuck with the whole thing I will resent it and won't speak to her. After all, I am a mother, too, and if I caused something like this to happen to any of my children, I would without question pay for the whole ticket. Who is right? -- HELPFUL DAUGHTER IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR DAUGHTER: It's a shame your mother reneged on her offer, but she wasn't the person who was driving that day. I sincerely hope you won't let $20 cause a rift in your relationship because it would be childish.

In the future, look more carefully to see how the parking is posted -- and now that you know your mother can manage, be less solicitous when you're choosing a spot. (If she really isn't able to walk far, then her doctor will give her a handicapped parking tag for you to hang on your rearview mirror when you're driving her.)