DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 25 years. My husband, "Frank," and I have four children. Over the years our relationship became rocky -- almost toxic. Frank is an alcoholic, verbally abusive and a manipulator. (I admit I'm no angel, either.)

Eight months ago, I had an affair with a former boyfriend I dated before I was married, and we got caught. Frank planted a tape recorder in my car, hacked my phone and read my texts on his phone. He threw me out of the house, my belongings placed in black garbage bags.

My boyfriend has divorced his wife, moved here and has made a life and a future for us. He has sacrificed a lot for me, and I feel bad that I'm thinking about going back to Frank. I miss my home and family.

Frank begs me to return every day. He claims he has stopped drinking and changed his ways. He wants us to go to counseling and promises to be a better husband if I give him another chance.

I'm scared, but a little piece of me wants to see if it's true. I have heard stories about how men can't change, that it will be worse if I go home and I'll be in a sort of jail and have no freedom. Please help me. -- IN PAIN IN ILLINOIS

DEAR IN PAIN: If "a little piece" of you wants to reunite with your husband, then level with your lover. Your marriage may or may not be able to be repaired. However, if you're willing to try, understand it will take hard work on the part of both you and Frank, and the help of a marriage counselor -- if Frank can maintain his sobriety.

You say you are worried you will lose your freedom if you go back. It is important you recognize that trust takes a long time to be rebuilt, that the attempt at reconciliation is a gamble, and whether your marriage can survive the mess the two of you have made of it isn't assured.

DEAR ABBY: When my boyfriend takes me out to dinner, he always expects sex afterward. I am OK with it because he's a nice guy. But he never says "thank you" when we're done.

Other than his manners, he's great and I'm happy we're together. Am I being petty and overly sensitive? My first husband never thanked me either or appreciated me, so I guess it's a sore spot. How should I approach this without jeopardizing everything else? -- HESITANT TO SPEAK UP

DEAR HESITANT: Sex is not supposed to be "payment" because someone picks up a dinner check. If that's what is happening with you and your boyfriend, it is being approached with the wrong attitude.

A person is not expected to thank a partner for having sex, unless the sex was unusually spectacular. Because you feel otherwise, tell your boyfriend what your needs are -- and if he agrees to thank you, return the compliment by thanking him.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a high school student who has the amazing opportunity to travel to Spain for a school year as a foreign exchange student. I know I am very lucky to have this opportunity to travel, but I am scared about the people there.

I am a Mormon, so I will have to uphold my standards alone in a non-Mormon environment. I have never been away from home for this long, and that's hard enough as it is. I guess I just need some advice on how to be strong when I'm there. -- ALONE IN SPAIN

DEAR ALONE: I agree that you are being given an amazing opportunity to grow and learn. If you haven't spoken about this with your adviser, please do so. I assume you will be living with a host family. When you get there, consider discussing your concerns with the parents. I am sure you will be encouraged to stick to your standards and beliefs, and be respected for doing so if you remember to also respect others who may not think exactly the way you do.

DEAR ABBY: My niece had a baby a year after graduating from high school and is now raising her daughter as a single mom. After the first year, I told her that if there was anything she needed to let me know, but that I would rather contribute to a college fund for her daughter than send her toys for gift-giving holidays.

My niece was thrilled, so I set up a college savings account for her daughter and contribute to it monthly in lieu of birthday and Christmas gifts for them. However, when those gift-giving occasions come, I worry they may feel slighted when presents arrive from me for others. My niece and I never mentioned it to other family members.

Would it be appropriate for me to send some kind of reminder occasionally so they know the account is there and growing? -- CONTRIBUTING TO HER FUTURE

DEAR CONTRIBUTING: Yes, it's appropriate. You should also send your niece a summary at the end of each year so she can see the progress. In addition, you might consider sending the child an inexpensive small gift or card so she'll have something to open.

DEAR ABBY: In response to the letter from "David in Kentucky" (Nov. 2), the 50-year-old single man who was unsure what to do with his late mother's engagement ring, I disagree with your answer. Yes, gems are meant to be enjoyed, and the ring is doing no one any good in a drawer, but he should not sell it.

I think David should have a man's ring made for himself with it, so he can have a memento of what his dad gave his mom to treasure many years ago. I wear my mom's and grandmother's rings every day on my right hand, and remember them often with joy. -- DEVOTED FAN IN FLORIDA

DEAR DEVOTED FAN: Your suggestion was the No. 1 comment I received from readers. Some said if David was eventually to meet the woman he wanted to marry, the stone could be removed again and reset into a lady's ring.

Another good idea several readers offered is to donate the ring in his mother's memory to a charity auction of a cause she supported.

DEAR ABBY: I recently found out my ex-boyfriend married the girl he cheated on me with, and they have had a baby. I didn't think it would affect me because it has been nine years since our breakup, but I feel devastated and sad all over again. I constantly wonder why he was blessed with the happy ending I was wishing for. I ask myself why I haven't met anyone worthwhile.

I am scared to go through the hurt and pain again, so I put on a smiling face for everyone. I want to forget this miserable relationship and be happy. What can I do to move on with my life? -- LOST IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR LOST: That's a good question, and I'm glad you asked because it means you may finally be ready to do it.

One way to move forward would be to keep busy so you won't brood. Make an effort to meet new people, because the saying "no risk, no reward" is true. If you have saved any mementos of your relationship with your ex-boyfriend, box them up and put them away -- or get rid of them entirely because this chapter of your life is finished.

I can't guarantee this will bring you another romance, but it will be a step in the right direction.

DEAR ABBY: My mother is a certified nursing assistant for hospice and loves her work. She has been assisting the terminally ill for 16 years. I'm writing because lately she has become insistent that my brother and I complete our wills, medical directives, powers of attorney, etc.

My brother and I are in our late 20s and in excellent health. While I do agree that Mom's advice is prudent, I have the impression that she views this issue -- and our family -- through the lens of her negative work experiences. Is there an appropriate time and place to discuss this matter? -- LOOKING WAY AHEAD IN CHICAGO

DEAR LOOKING: Absolutely. How about tonight at the dinner table? The time to have these discussions -- and put your thoughts in writing -- is while you are healthy and thinking clearly. While I agree that what may be driving your mother are things she sees at work every day, the reality is that illness and tragedy can strike people of all ages at any time.

It's important that family members hear what a person wants -- or doesn't want -- should a situation arise in which that person is unable to speak for him- or herself. And it's equally important for you and your brother to hear what your mother's wishes are if you don't already know.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 70-year-old senior who is sexually dysfunctional. I am so lonely. I have outlived two of my brides. Do you think I could find someone who would just appreciate holding hands and whispering sweet words without the physical contact? -- YOUNG AT HEART IN TEXAS

DEAR YOUNG: Not only do I think you can, I suspect you may need police protection to control the crowd of applicants. Years ago, my aunt, the late Ann Landers, polled her female readers asking if they would prefer "holding and cuddling" to actually doing "the deed." The majority of them answered in the affirmative.