DEAR ABBY: I am in a great relationship with a wonderful man, "Kevin." He loves me very much and we get along well. I have three kids -- two with special needs -- and Kevin loves them and treats them like his own. He also has a son, age 6, who has cystic fibrosis.

I love Kevin and can see myself marrying him. The problem is, I don't think I like his son. He's a good kid, cute and funny, but I don't feel "love" for him. I'm affectionate with my own kids, but I have to force myself to be with this boy. I am easily irritated by him and sometimes just don't want to be bothered.

I know this sounds terrible, but I don't know what I should do. I don't want to end my relationship with Kevin because I'm so in love. But is it fair to stay with him if I don't love his son, too? -- IN CONFLICT IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA

DEAR IN CONFLICT: Frankly, it depends upon whether you can learn to love the boy. You say you don't like him. Why not? Is the reason valid? Is he mean, dishonest, spoiled or too needy? Or could it be that he's a living reminder that your boyfriend once loved another woman?

If your relationship is to work, you may need an attitude adjustment. Can you focus on the positive qualities the boy has? That would be a good first step. If not, then for everyone's sake, end the relationship now.

DEAR ABBY: I am 12 and my mom is part of a church group (Unitarian). She recently told me she is taking me to her church where they are making pies for the homeless. Even though this is a nice act, I don't want to be a part of it (mainly because I am very shy around new people).

When I told my mom, she said she thought I was being rude and inconsiderate, and that she would make me come and ground me if I didn't go. Is there any way I can explain it to her better? -- SHY KID

DEAR SHY KID: If you have already told your mother the reason is your shyness, then I can't think of a way to state it more clearly. She may feel that your help in the project is urgently needed, which is why she's insisting. Or, she may feel that it might help you to overcome your shyness. Sometimes when people work together for a worthy cause they forget about themselves and their insecurities. I hope you will give it a try -- if only so you won't be grounded.

DEAR ABBY: Our waitress in a mid-level chain restaurant was friendly and helpful, but her tongue was pierced with a stud. It impaired her speech, making her hard to understand and it was visible every time she spoke.

We are pretty liberal about most things, but it was difficult for us to enjoy our meal. Would it have been OK for us to ask for a different waitress? -- PUT OFF IN TENNESSEE

DEAR PUT OFF: Yes. If you preferred that another server help you, it was within your rights to ask for one or ask to be moved to a table in another section of the restaurant.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married for quite a while, and our intimate life became monotonous and unimaginative a long time ago. Over the years I have suggested we try things like role-playing and other non-extreme variations during intimate times. My suggestions were met with rolling eyes and retorts like, "I'm your wife, not a hooker." I finally gave up and try to be content with what we have together.

Then one evening she surprised me and did one of the things I had suggested. It was very nice and she seemed to like it, too. I didn't know what to say to her. "Thank you" somehow seemed condescending. We have done nothing like it since.

I doubt if the answer is in the etiquette books. What should I have said to her to let her know how much I appreciated her loosening up and hope it will perhaps make her more comfortable spicing things up in the future? -- ETIQUETTE ADVOCATE IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR ADVOCATE: Praise is a powerful incentive. Flowers would have been nice. But since you didn't send any, try this: Invite your wife out to dinner at a nice restaurant. Tell her how surprised and delighted you were with the special surprise she gave you. A small gift to commemorate the occasion couldn't hurt either.

A satisfying sex life is all about communication, and if my mail is any indicator, if more wives were uninhibited in the bedroom, there would be a lot less business for the "professionals."

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a wonderful man for two years and am in hopes of getting a proposal soon. We are both committed to staying pure before marriage and have not been intimate.

My question to you is, do I have to tell him, now or ever, that I have had breast implants? I did it several years ago, and it greatly improved my self-esteem. I'm glad I did it.

Since he has never felt any breasts, if I tell him, my fear is he will get hung up on the thought, "I wonder what real breasts feel like." On the other hand, if I don't tell him and sometime in the future he finds out, he may be like, "I can't believe you kept that from me." What would you advise? -- RETICENT IN KENTUCKY

DEAR RETICENT: Many women have breast enhancement surgery so their figures will be more balanced. For the reason you have mentioned, you should tell your boyfriend. It should make no difference to him. However, if it does, it's better that you know now before you spend any more time on someone who measures the worth of a woman by how "real" her breasts are.

P.S. If he wants to know what "real" breasts feel like, tell him to go hug his mother.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: I'll pass along this pithy sentiment shared with me by former California Gov. Gray Davis. In a commencement speech to students graduating from Columbia Law School, Davis told them: "School is fair. Life is not. Just get used to it."

DEAR ABBY: I am considered to be a quite attractive -- easily a nine or a 10 -- professional dancer here in Las Vegas. I recently met a guy who has literally met almost all my dream qualities for a life partner, husband and father of my future children.

The problem is, I'm not attracted to him. He's not ugly; he has symmetrical features, straight teeth, nice skin and is in pretty good shape, if a little on the skinny side. I have always dated muscular, very fit men who get me excited at the sight of them, and I'm wondering if there's something wrong with me because after nine months I'm still struggling with his looks.

I feel like there is no sexual chemistry. But we have another kind of chemistry because we get along great, and he motivates me to be a better person.

Am I shallow, or is the lack of sexual chemistry a sign that maintaining a successful long-term relationship won't happen? -- MISS PICKY IN LAS VEGAS

DEAR MISS PICKY: I'm not going to call you shallow. Whether lack of sexual chemistry is a deal-breaker for you depends upon how important sex is to you. From what you have told me, looks are a primary factor in what draws you to men. (It would be interesting to know how long the relationships you described lasted.)

Bear in mind that men who are Adonises can lose their looks if they don't consistently work at it -- just as women do. Much as we might wish it, looks don't always last forever. That's why, if you're looking for a long-term relationship, it's extremely important to take into consideration qualities that will last.

DEAR ABBY: My 67-year-old mother has vascular dementia and breast cancer. In accordance with her living will and many conversations we had before the dementia began, we (Mom, my sisters and I) have decided to forgo treatment. She has been widowed for 17 years; she watched her husband -- our father -- die from cancer. She lives in an excellent health care facility that will provide her with palliative care when the time is right.

My question is, how do we inform people (family and friends) of her diagnosis and of our treatment plan? Without knowing the whole story, without having seen her very recently, it seems everyone has an opinion on what we "should" do. How do we tell these people that, while we appreciate their concern, this is her decision without hurting their feelings and our relationships? -- FAMILY WITH A DILEMMA

DEAR DILEMMA: How do these unwanted advice givers know that you do not plan to subject your mother to treatments that would only prolong her decline? If you solicited their opinion, you made a mistake. If you didn't, then the last sentence of your letter -- if said kindly -- is an appropriate way to phrase the message.

Your mother's treatment plan is nobody's business but yours and your sisters'. If these are her wishes as stated in her advance directive for health care, then you should respect them. To do otherwise would be a betrayal of her trust.