DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Fred," lost a lung to cancer 14 years ago due to smoking. He is one of the lucky ones to survive a deadly cancer.

Even though he has only one lung, he continues to smoke "secretly." I have begged, offered in-house treatment, anything to get him to stop, to no avail. What is troublesome is that Fred is in denial. For the last several weeks, he has blamed his coughing and wheezing on "allergies." He also chews nicotine gum nonstop. It's expensive, but he uses it to get his nicotine fix when he's around me, our family and friends.

I am angry, frustrated and sad that Fred has chosen cigarettes over having a chance to live, enjoy his grandchildren and grow old with me. Sometimes I think he doesn't deserve to still be on this earth because he disregards his health after nearly dying from complications after his lung surgery.

Fred is loving, warm, caring and intelligent -- except when it comes to his health. What can I do short of leaving him? -- MISERABLE IN MINNESOTA

DEAR MISERABLE: There is nothing more you can do. Your husband is hopelessly addicted to nicotine and he's incapable of getting away from it.

I doubt you are serious about leaving him, and I wouldn't suggest it anyway. Try to enjoy the time you have with him, and understand that many smokers go to their graves begging for cigarettes while on their deathbeds. It's not that he doesn't love you or that he loves his cigarettes more. He's hooked.

DEAR ABBY: I am a rent-paying adult tenant who lives at home with my mother. Mom gave a house key to my sister and brother to be used in the event of an emergency. On several occasions they have used their key to enter the house unannounced, startling both me and Mom.

I have asked them to please either knock or use the doorbell and wait to be let in when dropping by unannounced like anyone else would do. My brother has graciously honored my request. My sister thinks that because she was given a key she has the right to unlock the door and come into our home whenever she wants to.

I find what she's doing intrusive and upsetting. How can I get her to respect my wishes and honor my privacy in my own home? Mom agrees with me, but is reluctant to ask my sister to return the key. -- ADULT TENANT IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ADULT TENANT: Your sister may feel that because the house technically belongs to your mother (in spite of the fact that you are paying rent) that she doesn't have to respect your wishes. Unless your mother is willing to assert herself and tell your sister she feels the same way you do, and if it happens again she wants her house key returned, the problem will continue. At this point, the ball is in Mom's court.

DEAR ABBY: I am 42 years old and a divorced father of two. Earlier this year, I caused a fatal drunk driving accident. Once I came to and realized what I had done, I accepted responsibility and pled guilty to my crime. I have never before been in trouble with the authorities.

I believe God has forgiven me. I know my extremely supportive family and friends have also forgiven me. But how do I forgive myself? I think about it and cry daily for my victim and that family. I pray they will find some comfort that I am behind bars.

I plan to volunteer and use my time to help others as I have done in the past, once I am free. I also plan to tell my story to as many people as will listen to help stop the senseless act of driving under the influence.

I can never, and will never, forget what I have done. But I know I must forgive myself in order to move forward and start helping others. Any advice or suggestions you can give to help me work on forgiveness while I am in here would be greatly appreciated. -- UNFORGIVEN INMATE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR UNFORGIVEN: Something you can do while you are incarcerated would be to start a dialogue with the clergyperson of your faith who ministers to the prison population. Because re-entry into the larger community can be stressful, if substance abuse counseling is available, join a group. It might help you avoid falling back into old habits upon your release.

DEAR ABBY: I am the owner of an art gallery and often host shows with a reception to introduce artists. This generates interest in their artworks among patrons purchasing a piece for their home or to add to their collection. We provide hors d'oeuvres and beverages for our clients and potential clients.

Several individuals come to our receptions and heap food on their plates, often filling them a second time and sometimes a third. One woman has carried food out, saying it was for her husband who was waiting outside. (He must have been hiding, because I watched her get into her car alone and drive off.)

Abby, these people rarely even look at the art, let alone buy anything. They just eat and leave. My gallery is in a fairly small community, so I don't want to be rude, but how can I tactfully tell these people to ease on down the road? -- NOT RUNNING A SOUP KITCHEN

DEAR NOT: Have an employee monitor the food display, and when someone is spotted taking food outside or pigging out, have the employee quietly intervene. As for individuals who come to your gallery only to eat -- and by now you know who they are -- greet them politely and suggest quietly that because it is clear that your taste in art and theirs is not the same, it would be better if they shopped elsewhere.

P.S. And if attendance to these openings is by invitation, simply stop inviting the offenders.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a good person, but when I get frustrated over something, I fly off the handle. I date, have several close friends and a good job in a field I enjoy.

Stresses in life are normal. But sometimes I blow up over things. When it happens, I can see my co-workers and friends are taken aback by my behavior. I need to improve this. I'm worried my explosive temper will affect my relationships, my job and the people I see socially. I heard you have a booklet about this issue. Where can I get one, and do you have any advice for me? -- HOT AND BOTHERED IN ATLANTA

DEAR HOT AND BOTHERED: Yes, I do. While anger is a normal emotion, the problem with a hair-trigger temper is that people who fly off the handle often shoot themselves in the foot. That's why it's important to develop tools to recognize, control and channel anger effectively without exploding.

A first step in doing that is to analyze what may be setting you off. Does being overtired, hungry or not feeling up to par cause you to lash out? Feeling vulnerable has been known to make people feel angry and has negatively affected relationships. When a person's beliefs or values are questioned, they can become angry and, believe it or not, low self-esteem causes people to fly off the handle. People who suffer from feelings of inadequacy constantly try to prove themselves -- which drives them to win every "battle" whether it's a discussion about sports or any other subject that arises.

Most adults learn from early childhood to manage anger. But it's equally important to learn to express anger in ways that are constructive. In my booklet "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It," I offer tools for channeling anger. (First among them is to recognize you are becoming angry before losing control.) It also contains suggestions for managing and expressing anger appropriately. It can be ordered by sending your name and mailing address, plus a check or money order for $7 (U.S. funds) to Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price. I hope it will be helpful for you. It takes maturity to identify and verbalize negative emotions rather than lash out at others. Being able to calmly say, "When you do that (or say that) it makes me angry" will earn you the respect of others. And it's the key to defusing anger before losing control.

DEAR ABBY: What are my financial obligations if I invite a gentleman to a formal out-of-state wedding? Must I pay 100 percent for airfare, hotel, meals and clothing? -- PROPER MISS IN OHIO

DEAR PROPER MISS: If the man is a gentleman, he will offer to split the cost of the airfare, hotel and meals with you. If he's not -- or can't afford it -- then the person footing the bills will be you and only you.