DEAR ABBY: I have been divorced for more than a year and recently started dating a very nice man, "John." My eldest daughter and her children live with me. I'd like to be able to invite John over to our house, but my daughter doesn't want "strange men" around her kids, which I understand. I tried suggesting that she meet John before assuming that he is a strange man, but she's hesitant about meeting him.

Abby, I'd like to be able to spend some nights at home with him instead of always going out. It hurts because I have allowed the father of her children to live with us, yet I can't have someone I care about visit me at the home I work hard to pay for.

Please, Abby. I need advice on how to make my relationship with him and her work. -- STRESSED IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR STRESSED: I wish I had more information about your daughter and her attitude. Did she disapprove of your divorce from her father and harbor hopes that you will reconcile? Could she be worried that if you and John become serious, she will have to find another place to live? That she'd refuse to even meet him seems peculiar.

It was generous of you to allow her children's father to live under your roof. (Has he left yet?) Notice that I said "under your roof." If you want to entertain a guest, as the person who pays the mortgage, that should be your privilege. If that makes her uncomfortable, perhaps it would be better if she took the children to their father's or another relative's place for the evening.

You are entitled to live your life without your daughter controlling you, but it appears that may be exactly what she's trying to do.

DEAR ABBY: I am a very good swing dancer. I'm 22 and have been doing it since my sophomore year of high school. When I dance I feel alive and free.

My boyfriend of two years, "Jonah," whom I love dearly, isn't good at it. But he says he wants to learn so we can dance together.

We're going dancing this weekend and, truthfully, I don't want to go with him. When I asked him if it would be OK if I danced with some other dancer friends as well as with him, he said he was insulted and hurt by the question, and it would make him too jealous. I explained that I want to help him learn when we take lessons, but in the meantime, I want to dance freely.

I have ignored this issue for two years because I knew it would lead to a conflict. Should I suppress my love of dancing until Jonah is at my level or follow my heart and dance my socks off? -- BALLROOM BETSY

DEAR BALLROOM BETSY: How is Jonah doing with those dancing lessons? Has he even started? What if it turns out he has two left feet?

That he can't stand the idea of you dancing some of the dances with anyone else is a sign of insecurity. Are you willing to give up swing dancing to please him? If the answer is no, it may be time to change partners.

DEAR ABBY: I am writing this in response to "Un-Grandparent in Ohio" (Aug. 25), whose pregnant teenage daughter has decided to place her baby for adoption.

My daughter and son-in-law adopted their newborn daughter in an open adoption. Each summer the adoption agency sponsors a picnic that is attended by birth and adoptive parents, grandparents and other family members -- and, of course, the adopted child. During the rest of the year, our daughter sends the birth mother photos and letters, going through the same agency.

I can only imagine the sadness Un-Grandparent is feeling. I hope her daughter has chosen an adoption agency like this one so she will be able to share in her grandchild's life. -- GRATEFUL ADOPTIVE GRANDMOTHER

DEAR GRATEFUL: I welcomed feedback from readers about that letter and, as always, they provided Un-Grandparent with thoughtful advice. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I am a grandmother and an attorney. I have done a lot of guardianship work over the years and would like the grandmother to know that in many cases similar to hers, it is the grandmother who adopts the baby. This is often the best solution for everyone -- especially the baby.

Most states favor adoptions by family members. It could be a wonderful ending/beginning for all concerned if that could happen in this case. -- GRANDMA CLAIRE

DEAR ABBY: I went through this with my daughter, who was not in a mental or financial position to keep the child. I was in the delivery room for the birth of all my grandchildren, but in order to distance myself from this child, I allowed the adoptive mom to go into the delivery instead, because it was important for her to bond with the baby. It was easier, in a sense, to distance myself from this child because of my daughter's circumstances.

I think about my grandson all the time, and I get pictures from the adoptive family. When the time is right, he will meet his biological family. My hope is that Un-Grandparent can trust the adoptive parents to be the right ones and that they will do the right thing for the child. -- CHRISTINE ON THE WEST COAST

DEAR ABBY: I was neither willing nor emotionally able to raise my 13-year-old daughter's child. There was an open adoption, with a family that had five children of their own, but neither my daughter nor I took the opportunity to get to know this child or his new family.

My parents (the baby's great-grandparents) made the effort to keep in touch and were welcomed with open arms. My parents brought all the children Christmas gifts, and my mother wrote to them often, visiting when they had a chance.

So, if this is an open adoption, there is still the possibility for you to have as much contact as everyone is comfortable with. There is no such thing as too much love! -- KATHRYN IN TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: I am a 58-year-old recent widower. My wife and I were very happy for 29 years, and that included a satisfying sex life. Although I am not ready to date yet, I continue to have a strong sex drive.

I'm finding the Internet is a good alternative to "hooking up" at this time. However -- and this is embarrassing to admit at my age -- I'm beginning to wonder if I have crossed a line into spending too much time online.

My question is, how much is too much? I want to be healthy and in balance with this, but for the first time, I understand how people can become addicted to Internet porn. Guidelines, please? -- JUST WONDERING IN GEORGIA

DEAR JUST WONDERING: You have my sympathy for your loss. Because you are concerned enough about the amount of time you're spending on adult Internet sites that you're asking me about it, I think we both know that you're not spending enough time in the real world. If this has become so much of a preoccupation that you're substituting porn for relationships with real people, then you are "overdosing" and could benefit from talking to a psychologist about it. (You might find it easier to confide in one who's male.)

DEAR ABBY: During a disagreement with my boyfriend, he called me a "b----." We have been together for 13 years, and he has never disrespected or degraded me that way before. He apologized later and said what he meant was I was acting like one (as if that's any better), but I'm having a hard time getting past this.

When he called me that, I was stunned. I felt nauseated the rest of the day, as if he had literally punched me in the stomach. Am I wrong to react this way? Am I making a big deal out of it, and should I just accept his apology and let it go? I just feel so hurt. -- DEGRADED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR DEGRADED: People often say things they don't mean -- or something they later regret -- in the heat of an argument. One slip of the tongue after 13 years together shouldn't be a deal-breaker. Accept his apology and move on already.

DEAR ABBY: I have a co-worker who is deaf. We eat lunch together every day and usually get along well. She recently told me that when she goes out with friends, she gets drunk and then drives herself home. I tried explaining why that's not a good idea, but she got defensive and told me she's a grown woman and not to lecture her because it's her decision.

I have now lost so much respect for her that I'm no longer comfortable eating with her. What should I do? -- SOBER IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR SOBER: A deaf person has extra challenges while driving and has to be extra safety-conscious behind the wheel. Add booze to that equation, and it could mean disaster. You have spoken your mind and she has spoken hers. Because you're no longer comfortable eating with her, find another luncheon companion.