DEAR ABBY: I am a 58-year-old recent widower. My wife and I were very happy for 29 years, and that included a satisfying sex life. Although I am not ready to date yet, I continue to have a strong sex drive.

I'm finding the Internet is a good alternative to "hooking up" at this time. However -- and this is embarrassing to admit at my age -- I'm beginning to wonder if I have crossed a line into spending too much time online.

My question is, how much is too much? I want to be healthy and in balance with this, but for the first time, I understand how people can become addicted to Internet porn. Guidelines, please? -- JUST WONDERING IN GEORGIA

DEAR JUST WONDERING: You have my sympathy for your loss. Because you are concerned enough about the amount of time you're spending on adult Internet sites that you're asking me about it, I think we both know that you're not spending enough time in the real world. If this has become so much of a preoccupation that you're substituting porn for relationships with real people, then you are "overdosing" and could benefit from talking to a psychologist about it. (You might find it easier to confide in one who's male.)

DEAR ABBY: During a disagreement with my boyfriend, he called me a "b----." We have been together for 13 years, and he has never disrespected or degraded me that way before. He apologized later and said what he meant was I was acting like one (as if that's any better), but I'm having a hard time getting past this.

When he called me that, I was stunned. I felt nauseated the rest of the day, as if he had literally punched me in the stomach. Am I wrong to react this way? Am I making a big deal out of it, and should I just accept his apology and let it go? I just feel so hurt. -- DEGRADED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR DEGRADED: People often say things they don't mean -- or something they later regret -- in the heat of an argument. One slip of the tongue after 13 years together shouldn't be a deal-breaker. Accept his apology and move on already.

DEAR ABBY: I have a co-worker who is deaf. We eat lunch together every day and usually get along well. She recently told me that when she goes out with friends, she gets drunk and then drives herself home. I tried explaining why that's not a good idea, but she got defensive and told me she's a grown woman and not to lecture her because it's her decision.

I have now lost so much respect for her that I'm no longer comfortable eating with her. What should I do? -- SOBER IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR SOBER: A deaf person has extra challenges while driving and has to be extra safety-conscious behind the wheel. Add booze to that equation, and it could mean disaster. You have spoken your mind and she has spoken hers. Because you're no longer comfortable eating with her, find another luncheon companion.

DEAR ABBY: I'm so upset. I just found out my son was molested by one of his older cousins. "Ryan" didn't want me to know because he was afraid of how I would react. Ryan is 19 and a very private person. I want to confront the person who did this to him and press charges.

What's upsetting is I tried hard to protect my children. I thought I was doing everything right by having my boys let their friends come and spend the night at my home instead of letting them stay at their friends' homes.

I want Ryan to go to counseling to understand he did nothing wrong, that it wasn't his fault. Please help me to help my son. I partly blame myself for not knowing.

How did I let this happen? I am their mother. I am supposed to keep them safe. Please tell me what to do. -- CONFUSED MOTHER IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR MOTHER: Stay calm and understand that you have done nothing wrong. This is no reflection upon you as a parent. While many people still believe that child molesters are creepy strangers who prey on little kids, the truth is the majority turn out to be family members or close friends one would never suspect.

Your son may be embarrassed or blame himself for what his cousin did. Reassure him that when someone older acts out against a younger one as his cousin did, that is "coercion" -- an imbalance of power and experience. Explain that it would be beneficial for him to talk to a therapist. It might also benefit the cousin to do so because he may need to learn about boundaries.

Whether the cousin can be arrested or prosecuted may depend upon how long ago this occurred, and how old the kids were at the time it happened.

DEAR ABBY: I feel like I am not appreciated at my husband's family's holiday gatherings. Everyone brings a dish, while I get assigned the "leftover" -- which is usually a salad. I told my husband I wanted to bring the dessert one year, so I made a homemade pie. His sister proceeded to bring two store-bought pies in addition to her dish. No one ate any of my pie except for my husband and me. Even when I bring the salad, no one eats it, either.

I may not be the best cook, but I am a good one and my pie was perfect. Because this has happened more than once, I feel discouraged about contributing, and I have told that to my husband. Do you have any advice about how I can contribute without feeling left out? -- NO NAME, PLEASE, IN MISSOURI

DEAR NO NAME: Yes. Understand that when families gather for holiday dinners year after year, they often want particular foods prepared in the way to which they are accustomed. While you may want to contribute, you may not be able to do that unless you are hosting the party.

From now on, unless you are asked to do otherwise, bring with you only a smile, your appetite, and flowers or a bottle of wine. If you do, there will be fewer hurt feelings and you'll save yourself some work.

TO MY JEWISH READERS: The eight days of Hanukkah begin at sundown. Happy Hanukkah, everyone! May we all enjoy a joyous festival of lights.

DEAR ABBY: Recently, our state became one that allows same-sex couples to wed. My partner, "Alex," and I have been together for 18 years. We had planned to be married last spring, but a death in the family put our wedding on hold.

When I found out about the ruling, I expected Alex to be excited and suggest we go ahead and marry. To my disappointment, he didn't seem to care. He hasn't mentioned marriage once, and when I bring it up, he's quiet and doesn't respond.

We're older, and because of health issues we don't have an active sex life. I'm wondering if my relationship with him has been downgraded to "roommate" without me realizing it. Do I push this? Do I let it alone and settle for what I have now?

I feel like I'm too old to start over, but I have to admit that suddenly feeling like the relationship I thought I had may be an illusion has me very depressed. -- LET DOWN IN ARIZONA

DEAR LET DOWN: The most important ingredient in any relationship is communication, and you and Alex have been together long enough that you should be able to level with each other. His reluctance to move forward may be something as simple as a case of cold feet. It could also be that he's had a change of heart and doesn't want to be married. Not all gay people do.

I don't think it would be pressuring him to calmly ask if the idea of being married is something that no longer interests him. If this level of commitment is what you want and he can't give it to you, you deserve to know.

DEAR ABBY: I have a teenage grandson with an upcoming birthday. For several years we have taken him to a major sporting event for his birthday. I get complimentary tickets for this from work.

Last year he noticed that the tickets were complimentary and acted very disappointed. We had spent more than $50 on refreshments and souvenirs. Should we take him to the game again this year, or opt for something else? -- CAN'T WIN FOR LOSING IN WICHITA

DEAR CAN'T WIN: Your grandson's reaction was disappointing. He should have been grateful to have been invited to share the experience. It would have been best to discuss his reaction at the time it happened.

Before making up your mind about what to do this year, ask him why he acted the way he did. Feel free to tell him it hurt your feelings. If it turns out he was looking a gift horse in the mouth, make plans to do something else for his birthday this year, at your discretion. Shame on him.