DEAR ABBY: My mother has this odd habit that my younger sister, "Sara," and I don't agree with. It's only the three of us in our house, and Sara and I are in high school and college.

Our mother forces one of us to sleep with her in her room every night. Sara sleeps in Mom's room more often than I do, and rarely gets a chance to sleep in her own bed. On the few occasions when Sara is sick, I sleep with Mom. But if we're both sick, she picks one of us anyway.

Abby, this has persisted for years. I have tried many times to convince my mother to let us sleep in our own rooms, but she ignores me or accuses me of "not loving her enough." She says the same things to Sara.

I'm worried about my mother. I feel as though she's depressed or worried about being abandoned. At the same time, I don't want us sleeping in Mom's bed forever. We have our own lives and rooms. What would be the best thing to do in this situation? -- SLEEPOVER IN MARYLAND

DEAR SLEEPOVER: Your mother is an adult who should long ago have learned to sleep alone. She should not be trying to "guilt" you and your sister into sleeping with her by accusing you of not loving her enough if you don't spend the night in her bed. The two of you should ask her together why she's doing this.

You young ladies are old enough to simply refuse if you would rather sleep in your own rooms. But breaking this habit may not be easy for your mother, so if she says she can't sleep without one of you with her, volunteer to stay with her until she falls asleep and then go to your rooms.

DEAR ABBY: I am divorced after a 38-year marriage. The divorce was the result of an affair my husband had. Needless to say, it was -- and still is -- very painful. The betrayal almost killed me.

I have been seeing a therapist who has helped me immensely, but I wonder if I will ever fully recover from the hurt. My ex has started a new life with this woman, who is almost 30 years younger than we are, and he acts like, "Oh well, it's over." Even though I have moved on, starting a new life at 60 wasn't easy.

Is it unreasonable to still have lingering pain and anger as a result of the lies and deceit I experienced from a man I loved and trusted? I can't seem to pretend that nothing happened. -- STILL HURTING

DEAR STILL HURTING: I think your feelings are normal. Something did happen to you, and it was cataclysmic. The question is, to what degree are you willing to allow this to rule your life?

You shouldn't pretend that nothing happened, but it's important that when your thoughts drift backward that you make a conscious effort to steer them back to the present. Devote the same energy that you spend nursing hurt and anger to focusing on the future and what makes you happy. Will yourself to stay in the present and keep moving forward.

This takes focus, practice and determination, but it can be done. And continue to maintain a relationship with your therapist, because if you do, it will provide a much-needed "reality check" when you need one.

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DEAR ABBY: I was married to a wonderful woman who passed away five months ago after a heart attack. Why do people act as if the one who has passed away never existed? Please talk about her. Talk about her often. Tell me good things about her.

If you wonder about the right thing to say -- and I believe all mourners should hear it -- here it is: Tell me my wife loved me, tell me I made her happy, tell me she knew I loved her and knew she made me happy. Repeat it as often as you can. Out of all the friends we had, only one couple said those words to me. When I heard them I cried, but I was also comforted.

Also, it seems like many of my so-called friends have fallen off the face of the earth. Now is when they are needed most. I wish I knew why they don't come to see me. Is it me? -- ALONE IN ALABAMA

DEAR ALONE: Probably not. There could be more than one reason for it. With many couples, it is the wife who "nurtures" the social relationships. Also, your friends may be afraid that because they are couples and you are a widower, you might be uncomfortable spending time with them.

Something similar may be causing their reluctance to talk about your wife. They may fear that bringing her up in conversation will somehow cause you pain, which is why they avoid it. Death is an uncomfortable subject for many people, but I hope my readers will take your comments to heart.

If you want to end your isolation, you may have to call your friends and invite them instead of being passive and waiting for them to contact you. Please accept my sympathy for your loss.

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DEAR ABBY: I am a single woman who raised three kids on one average income. They are all grown and on their own now. I still save and have a tight budget, but now I can spend some money on travel. I have opportunities to travel with friends and do it as often as I can afford.

The problem is my brother-in-law and sister love to tease, and they tell everyone that I'm "the rich sister." Abby, I am far from rich. I have asked them both to stop and told them their teasing hurts my feelings -- that I simply choose to spend my money differently than they do.

Our relationship has now become very strained. I have only one sister and would like to be close to her, but I can't laugh off their teasing any longer. -- HURT TRAVELER

DEAR HURT TRAVELER: When people persist in doing -- or saying -- something after being told it's hurtful, one has to wonder if it's not about humor at all. I suspect that your sister and her husband are somewhat jealous over the friendships you have and the adventures you are enjoying.

You might be subjected to this less if you become more close-mouthed about what you're doing and where you're going. Give it a try. But if the "teasing" continues, tell "Sissy" she's going to be seeing a lot less of you and then follow through.

DEAR ABBY: I've been with my second husband for almost five years, married for two. After a year, we became more like roommates than spouses. At one point I caught him kissing a mutual friend in our bathroom. When I confronted them, they assured me it was innocent. Her husband has now confirmed his suspicions with me that something was going on, but there was never any solid proof.

My husband enjoys my company, but the lack of affection and my continued suspicion are affecting my self-esteem. The other day I asked him why he married me, and he answered because I was "nice." He refuses to go to counseling and said he doesn't want a divorce.

I feel like an idiot, but I just don't want to leave. What is wrong with me? What should I do? -- IN LIMBO IN WASHINGTON

DEAR IN LIMBO: You will find the answers you need as soon as you decide that, regardless of whether your husband is willing to go to counseling, it's time for you to go. Having already caught him in a compromising position, you have every right to be suspicious. There's nothing wrong with you -- except perhaps that you are too "nice."

You are going to have to decide if living like brother and sister is an arrangement you are willing to live with forever because the relationship you have described isn't a normal marriage, and the longer it continues, the worse you will feel about yourself.

DEAR ABBY: I would like to know why people say, "Oh, you have a new hairdo," and then never say if it is good or bad. Or, "You have new curtains or new flooring," and then never say another word. Why do they just say nothing? -- CURIOUS IN COLORADO

DEAR CURIOUS: Perhaps because people often notice change before making up their minds whether they think it's positive or negative, and they are speaking to you without a filter.

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