DEAR ABBY: I recently found out my daughter has been having an affair with her sister's husband. This will tear our family apart. It will also have a huge impact on my grandchildren.

I have not yet told my wife, who will be devastated, but I'm having trouble carrying this burden alone. I feel they should be held accountable. Should I look the other way, or make them responsible for their actions, knowing the hell it will create? -- STRESSING IN THE USA

DEAR STRESSING: What an unfortunate mess. Please do not assume that you are responsible for any damage that may result from this affair. Because you know about it, it's logical to assume that it's only a matter of time until others find out what has been going on.

That's why you should talk to your daughter. Tell her you know about the affair and will now have to inform her sister, who deserves to know that her marriage is in serious trouble and why. If you do, it may save the marriage.

DEAR ABBY: In the past few months I have gone to different parties for friends from my church group. I always go to the celebrations eager to meet and chat with people I haven't seen in years.

However, one thing bothers me about these get-togethers. Toward the middle of the event, I often get approached by the host who will ask me to assist with a certain task such as setting up the table, clearing or even doing the dishes. No one else is ever asked to help.

I was raised in a family that emphasized good manners and to always be willing to help a friend. But in these situations I feel uncomfortable because I don't want to refuse my host and I was invited as a "guest."

Isn't it rude for a host to ask a guest to help clean? If so, what would be the appropriate response? -- INFRINGED UPON IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR INFRINGED UPON: Whether it's presumptuous to ask depends upon how close the host is to the guest being asked to lend a hand. Some people would consider it a compliment; however, if you're not close, it is presumptuous. And if you prefer not to be recruited, all you have to say is, "I'd rather not."

DEAR READERS: Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and no Thanksgiving would be complete without my sharing the traditional prayer penned by my dear mother:

Oh, Heavenly Father,

We thank Thee for food and remember the hungry.

We thank Thee for health and remember the sick.

We thank Thee for friends and remember the friendless.

We thank Thee for freedom and remember the enslaved.

May these remembrances stir us to service,

That Thy gifts to us may be used for others.

Amen.

Have a safe and happy celebration, everyone! -- Love, ABBY

DEAR ABBY: I live in a 55-and-older mobile home park. Because my coach isn't huge, I have a nice little backyard where I have a small vegetable garden and a lovely lemon tree.

One day while I was tending my garden, the woman who lives behind me came over to say hello and admire my vegetables. When she saw I have Swiss chard growing, she exclaimed, "Oh, I will have to pick some because my daughter loves it!"

I was dumbfounded. She has room to plant her own little garden, but never does. She has helped herself to lemons, too. When I saw her doing it, I was again too shocked to say anything. She doesn't ask; she just helps herself.

What do I say at times like these? We live so close and there are no fences ... yet. -- FUMING IN VISTA, CALIF.

DEAR FUMING: Unless you are willing to draw the line, your neighbor will continue to assume that silence is consent. So pay the woman a visit, and tell her you would prefer that she ask permission before helping herself to anything in your garden. And if that doesn't stop her, make installing that fence a priority.

DEAR ABBY: Nowadays, I'm learning about the deaths of family members and friends by email, and I'm uncertain how to respond. I always send thoughtful, personal handwritten notes of condolence. But how best to acknowledge or respond to the email?

It seems wrong to ignore it in favor of sending a letter via the Postal Service, because my message will take a while to reach the bereaved. But it also seems wrong to say, "Oh, so sad to hear the news" in an email, as if that was the sum total of my thoughts. What to do? -- CARING OUT WEST

DEAR CARING: Here's what I do. I pick up the phone and call the person who sent the email, or a member of the family that suffered the loss. I express my sympathy and find out the details -- such as where and when the funeral or memorial will be held, and if I can send flowers or make a donation. Then I write the condolence note.

DEAR ABBY: When I come home from work, errands or whatever, my wife is often on the phone. I find it rude that she won't put the phone down for a moment to say hello and, if the call needs to be returned, tell me briefly what it's about. Is that unreasonable?

My wife walks into another room with no explanation, never straying from the call, and continues talking for another 10 or 20 minutes. What do you think of this? -- CRAVING ATTENTION IN COLORADO

DEAR CRAVING: I agree that it would be more loving if she acknowledged your presence with a smile and a "Hi, Honey -- I'll be off the phone in a few minutes." However, for you to expect her to report who she's talking to and what they have been discussing seems not only nosy on your part, but could be considered controlling.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $7 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price.

DEAR ABBY: I was recently fired from my job for chronic tardiness. I have worked at this business for four years, and although I knew my lateness was seen as a problem by my boss, it was still a surprise.

Now that I'm back in the job market again, I'm wondering if I need to mention my previous tardiness on employment applications. I asked my mother, who has been privy to this whole mess. She thinks I should mention it and explain that I have learned my lesson -- especially when applying to a different branch of my former company that would have direct access to my evaluations.

I think I should explain my tardiness as a "lesson learned" on job interviews when/if it comes up, not on applications where I am trying to put my best foot forward. What say you? -- TARDY FOR WORK

DEAR TARDY: While I think your mother may mean well, I agree with you!

DEAR ABBY: When I was little I would have given anything to have met my father at least once. Now I am 26 and have a 2-year-old boy, "Sean." I am married, but not to his father (a man I'll call Charlie).

All of a sudden, Charlie is wanting to be in Sean's life, but Sean already knows my husband as his daddy. I'm confused and afraid. What's your advice? I don't want to confuse my little boy about the man who is raising him and his biological father, but I don't want to wait 'til Sean is older and cause him pain. -- MOM IN TENNESSEE

DEAR MOM: It appears that Bio-Dad is a little slow on the uptake. Now that he wants to be part of Sean's life, he should also be paying child support if he doesn't already, so discuss this with a lawyer.

Charlie should be introduced to Sean by his name for now. When the boy is old enough to understand -- in a year or two -- he should then be told that he has two dads and that he'll be sharing time with both of them because they both love him.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half. Last Thanksgiving I invited him -- and he attended -- my family's get-together. Of course, I invited him again this year.

However, his rich sister and brother-in-law are treating his family to Thanksgiving dinner at a nice restaurant. I was not invited.

My feelings are hurt, but I'm not sure I'm justified in feeling that way. Should I just get over it since I'm not actually a member of their family? -- UNINVITED IN MISSOURI

DEAR UNINVITED: If you're smart, you'll be gracious about this. While it would have been nice if the sister had included you, you and your boyfriend are not engaged -- and the sister may have wanted the dinner to be "strictly family." As the hostess, that is her privilege.

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