DEAR ABBY: Thanksgiving is fast approaching and I would like to share some advice with your readers from someone who has volunteered in shelters for many years.

1. Please do not volunteer on Thanksgiving. It's the day most people volunteer, and there are always more volunteers than homeless people.

2. If you want to make donations, please drop them off a few days before or a few days after. It will allow the shelter time to store all the donations and to take an inventory of what is still needed.

3. Shelters need not only food, but also paper goods such as plates, napkins, toilet paper and plastic utensils.

4. Because refrigerator space is limited, don't bring anything that must be refrigerated.

5. Most shelters pay rent, water, electric and telephone bills and lease office equipment, etc. A check or cash donation is ideal. It's also tax deductible.

If in doubt, call ahead (at least a week in advance) and ask what is needed. -- YEAR-ROUND VOLUNTEER

DEAR VOLUNTEER: Kudos to you for so generously giving your time to help others who are in need. I'm sure my readers will appreciate your insight. Planning ahead and knowing what is needed make perfect sense.

DEAR ABBY: Our son and daughter-in-law were married last year at a courthouse. They are now planning a "real" wedding. Our daughter-in-law thinks we should pay for the rehearsal dinner, and my husband thinks he isn't required to. Please help with this dilemma. Are we expected to pay for a rehearsal dinner since they have been married a year already? -- NEW MOTHER-IN-LAW IN OHIO

DEAR MOTHER-IN-LAW: Celebrations of this kind are gifts. Regardless of what your daughter-in-law is saying, they are not mandatory. While she may expect you to pay for the dinner, no rule of etiquette requires you to do it. Please tell your husband I said to hang onto his wallet.

DEAR ABBY: I'm writing you on behalf of a friend. No matter where her husband is -- at home, at a friend's, walking into a store or walking around town -- he's always dropping his pants to tuck in his shirt. One of these days someone is going to think he's flashing and have him arrested. His wife is afraid it will happen.

My friend has made comments to him about it, but he still continues. Please give me some advice because someone else may have the same problem, and it may save another family from this embarrassment. -- A FRIEND IN ST. PAUL

DEAR FRIEND: Your friend's concerns are legitimate. A man dropping his pants in a public place is, to say the least, attention-getting. If his concern is really that his shirts creep up, suggest that your friend talk to a tailor -- many cleaners have them in their shops -- about how to prevent the problem from happening. During a Minnesota winter, she could save him from catching pneumonia from the bottom up.

DEAR ABBY: My four girls and I recently moved from Texas to Florida to help out my in-laws. My husband, "Jeff," made a big deal about not wanting to move without a job, so he stayed behind.

Now I feel like a single parent, and even though I hide it from my daughters, I am depressed. I haven't been able to find work, and Jeff says he doesn't want to come here for several more months.

My husband and I have been together 14 years, and this is tearing me up inside. He seems to be treating this issue as a joke. I suspect he likes not having the responsibility of a wife and kids. Our youngest is 6 months old and she's growing up without her daddy! Please help me figure this out. -- LONELY AND DEPRESSED

DEAR LONELY: How long has this been going on? Three weeks? Three months? Tell your husband that because you can no longer tolerate being separated, you are moving back to Texas. Be sure to mention that the responsibility of helping his parents should not be yours alone. Your concerns about your baby girl are valid. She should be bonding with both her parents right now -- and the separation may make it more difficult for her.

DEAR ABBY: Last February we lost my 14-year-old niece to suicide. Needless to say, it has been very hard on the family, especially her father, who is my brother. The two of them were inseparable.

Her mother has been playing the "perfect mother" card since then, even though all they did was fight. Her latest move has the entire family appalled. "Mom" is planning a birthday party for my niece, with a DJ and everything, even though she never had one for her while she was alive.

We are all worried about my brother's state of emotional well being and how he will respond once he finds out. How do I approach her with my concerns and put a stop to the party? -- APPALLED AUNT IN THE EAST

DEAR APPALLED: You shouldn't and you can't. Have a talk with your brother about this and suggest grief counseling for himself and his wife if they haven't already had any. The poor woman may be planning to have the party out of guilt because she didn't host one while her daughter was alive, or because her relationship with the girl wasn't a good one. She may also be unable to accept that her child is gone and not thinking rationally. What a sad situation.

DEAR ABBY: My wife cleans our hand-held vacuum in the kitchen sink. I think this particular appliance is probably the dirtiest one in the house and should be cleaned outside, not in the kitchen sink where food is prepared. She says she cleans the sink thoroughly afterward. I'm grossed out by the whole thing. What do you think? -- PEEVED UP NORTH

DEAR PEEVED: I think you're grossed out by the idea that your hand-held vacuum is the dirtiest appliance in the house, but please calm yourself. People wash all kinds of things in the kitchen sink -- children, pet dishes, the soles of shoes. As long as your wife cleans and sanitizes the sink afterward, you should be safe.

DEAR ABBY: The issue of thank-you notes comes up often in your column. May I share how I learned to write them? When I was young, my mother asked me one day why I was so resistant. I said I hated addressing them and I never knew what to say! It was overwhelming to me.

Mother taught me some phrases such as, "I appreciate your thoughtfulness," and ways to close like, "I hope to see you again soon." She gently reminded me that the sooner I wrote, the easier it would be to express words of gratitude. She also made a deal with me: If I quit complaining and procrastinating, she'd address them for me until I turned 18.

When I turned 18 she gave me an address book filled with the addresses of our family and friends, beautiful new stationery and a book of stamps. In case you're curious, my 18th birthday gifts were all acknowledged with thank-you notes addressed by me! I'm 22 now, and I have never missed a note. -- SARAH B., ANSONIA, CONN.

DEAR SARAH B.: Thank you for your charming letter. Your mother was not only a good negotiator, she also taught you a skill that will be valuable as you grow older.

I print letters about this subject so often because of the number of complaints I receive about the failure to receive a thank-you note. When a gift (or check) isn't acknowledged, the message it sends is that the item wasn't appreciated, which is insulting and hurtful.

Chief among the reasons people don't send thank-you notes is that they don't know what to say and are afraid they'll say the wrong thing. That's why my booklet, "How to Write Letters," was written. It contains samples of thank-you letters for birthday gifts, shower gifts and wedding gifts, as well as those that arrive around holiday time. It also includes letters of congratulations and ones regarding difficult topics -- including letters of condolence for the loss of a parent, spouse or a child. It can be ordered by sending name, mailing address, plus check or money order for $7 (U.S. funds), to Dear Abby Letters Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.) Use it to tailor your own messages. With the holiday season approaching and people sending gifts and greetings through the end of the year, this is the perfect time to reply with a handwritten letter, note or well-written email.

Because composition of letters and notes is not always effectively taught in the schools, my booklet can provide a helpful tutorial, and is particularly valuable for parents as a way to teach their children how to write using proper etiquette.

DEAR ABBY: My question is very simple, Abby. Who determines right or wrong in your life, your opinions, your column? This will tell me all I need to know about your wisdom or advice. -- RON IN MICHIGAN

DEAR RON: Actually, I think your question is anything but "simple," and the answer is: I do.