DEAR ABBY: How can I convince my aging, sick sister-in-law that her feeble husband's care is too much for her at this point? She can barely care for herself, yet she must help him eat, get out of chairs -- everything short of chew his food for him. I have tried telling her she deserves respite care of some kind, to no avail.

Have you any ideas how I can convince her she is literally killing herself and deserves some assistance? Their three daughters are no help at all to them. They turn a blind eye from their parents' situation. -- RELATIVE WHO CARES IN OHIO

DEAR RELATIVE: I can think of a few things you might do to help. The first would be to talk to the daughters and explain your concerns for their mother's health -- because if she doesn't get some respite care, she could die before their father does. Be sure to point out that if that happens, their father's care would become their responsibility. When they realize the effect it would have on their own lives, it might motivate them to do something.

The second would be to do some research and see what options are available for part-time caregivers or senior day care centers where her husband would be safe and looked after while your sister-in-law has a few precious hours to herself. The man's doctor could guide you.

Then have a frank talk with her and explain that for her to be as effective a caregiver as she obviously wants to be, she's going to have to take better care of herself because the track she's on right now could cost her her own health or even her life, and that's no exaggeration.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 29-year-old single man who is hard of hearing. I have a steady job and plans for a good future, but I'm having trouble in the dating world.

I would love to have a special someone in my life, but I'm shy. I have a hard time talking with the girls who live in my area. I can hear people pretty well unless they mumble or talk quietly, or face away from me when they speak.

I have asked people to repeat what they say (I try not to do it often) if I missed something. They get frustrated and so do I, and then they say, "Never mind!"

I try so hard to hear people. But it seems the harder I try, the less it seems worth it to find a relationship. Any tips on dealing with impatient and non-understanding people? -- FRUSTRATED IN WISCONSIN

DEAR FRUSTRATED: As people age, many of them encounter the problem you are trying to cope with now at your young age. Hearing loss is difficult because it is often subtle and can be extremely isolating for the person who has it.

My first tip would be to avoid noisy places for meeting women, if you can. My second would be to be upfront about your hearing loss right off the bat. If a woman finds you attractive, she will find ways to accommodate the problem. And if she doesn't, then she wasn't the right candidate for a relationship in the first place.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 35-year-old single man. Three years ago, I took legal custody of my niece (who is now 8) to prevent her from becoming a ward of the state. Her parents were drug addicts. Shortly afterward, my mother moved in to help me raise her, which is greatly needed and appreciated.

The problem is, I had to dramatically alter my lifestyle -- no more staying out late on weekends or impromptu trips to visit college buddies -- and worst of all, an end to dating.

I used to go out with a lot of women, but I haven't been with anyone in more than two years. I didn't like the idea of bringing ladies around my niece whom she might never see again. It was easier to just give up dating than to deal with her questions and looks of confusion. She has had enough instability in her young life, and I didn't want to add to it.

Now I'm starting to get lonely, and I'm not sure how to get back into the dating scene. How would I explain my living situation to a potential wife: "I have a kid and my mother living with me, and that's not going to change. Interested?"

Abby, any thoughts or suggestions would be welcomed. -- LONELY BY DESIGN IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR LONELY: Explain your living situation to the women you meet in much the same way as you have explained it to me. You are taking care of your 8-year-old niece with the help of your mother because if you hadn't stepped up, she would have become a ward of the state.

Any mature woman who is worth her salt will respect that, just as I do. Immature women who are only looking for a good time -- or a meal ticket -- will probably run in the opposite direction, which is a good thing.

You won't find what you're looking for in bars as you may have done in the past. You would probably have better luck if you join a group like Parents Without Partners or ask some of your married friends if they know someone nice.

DEAR ABBY: My family and I were watching a popular annual awards show recently. Like most of these, this one included an "In Memoriam" segment in which was featured a slideshow of the photos and names of people from the field who had died during the year.

The segment was well done and very meaningful. When it was over and the lights went back up, the audience clapped. My family applauded, too. That made me feel uncomfortable, so I didn't join in. What are your thoughts on applause at a memorial tribute? -- TO CLAP OR NOT TO CLAP

DEAR T.C.O.N.T.C.: Audiences clap for many reasons -- among them, a spontaneous gesture of emotion or to show appreciation. (Some may do it because everyone else is doing it.) However, in this circumstance, it is not required or prohibited. As long as the applause is sincere, I think it is appropriate.

DEAR ABBY: My wife is in a nursing home and will be for a long time. While I was caring for her at home, I was very lonely. She wasn't there for me except to demand that I do this and that.

I did what I could to keep her happy, but nothing worked. I had no life of my own. My life was wrapped around her and doing the best I could to take care of her. I did all the chores that were required to keep the home running.

Would it be wrong to find a lady friend to do a few things with, like have dinner, go to a movie or just for a ride in the country or to the beach? My son thinks I shouldn't do it, but he doesn't know how lonely I am, nor do the other kids in the family. -- NO LIFE OF MY OWN

DEAR NO LIFE: You're asking me a question no one can decide for you. Much depends upon the quality of your marriage before your wife became ill. You promised to love and cherish her until death do you part. If she's still in her right mind, you owe it to her to be there for her to the extent that you can -- just as she would be if you were sick and in a nursing home.

You should discuss all of this with your children. While it is important that you spend enough time with your wife to ensure that she's being well cared for, you are also entitled to have a life. Some husbands want to spend every possible minute at their wife's bedside, while others do what you are contemplating. Only you can look into your heart and decide what would be best for all concerned, because it may affect your entire family.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend of five years, "Spencer," has always been very sweet -- until this year. This year he has become verbally abusive, telling me I'm a drunk (I don't drink liquor) and insane. (No one else says there is anything insane about my behavior.) Spencer frequently tells me my opinions prove I'm a "jerk."

Until this year, I have been deeply in love with him. I know his verbal attacks on me are unwarranted. All I want is some peace and quiet. Please advise. -- BEATEN DOWN IN L.A.

DEAR BEATEN DOWN: Your boyfriend is showing all the signs of a man who wants out of a relationship, but doesn't have the courage to come out and be direct about it. If you want peace and quiet in your life, find a man who appreciates what you have to offer, doesn't make false accusations and treats you well. You'll find what you're looking for after you tell Spencer you're not drunk, you're not crazy and you're not in love with him anymore, so goodbye.

DEAR ABBY: I have been having a problem with my husband ever since his mom died. All he talks about is how much he misses her and how he wants to die.

I loved his mother like she was my own, but it has been a year since she went, and I'm getting tired of the attitude and the behavior he displays. He is so mean now that I am thinking of leaving him because I can't take it anymore. Can you help? -- TIRED OF IT

DEAR TIRED OF IT: It is one thing to grieve for a deceased loved one, and quite another to say you wish you could join the person. Your husband is "stuck" in his grieving process and needs professional intervention. Please urge him to get help.

Was he always mean and abusive? If the answer is yes, by all means give serious thought to getting away. If not, tolerate it a little longer -- providing he's willing to admit he needs to talk to someone and follows through.