DEAR ABBY: My husband recently passed away, and among his papers I discovered evidence of another previous marriage. It came as a shock because he had never told me.

Should I ask his family how long this previous marriage lasted, or should I let it go and be grateful for the good and loving husband he was during our 27 years together? He was a widower with no kids and I was a widow when we met. What do you think? -- NUMBER THREE IN ARIZONA

DEAR NUMBER THREE: Your husband may have been divorced from wife No. 1, or the marriage could have been annulled and he didn't think it "counted." While I agree that you should be grateful for the 27 happy years you spent together, I can't ignore the fact that such an important piece of information was withheld from you. If you have questions and think the family can answer them, you are entitled to know.

DEAR ABBY: My sister is difficult, and our relationship has been extremely rocky over the years. She insists upon doling out unsolicited advice and asking pointed personal questions about my finances, health, sex life, etc. I have told her more than once that these things are none of her business unless I choose to discuss them. Her response is she's "only trying to help."

Our mother died six months ago and my sister is again making overtures. I'm hesitant about speaking with her again because she's so volatile. I'll do it only if she respects my boundaries.

I am searching for the right words to tell her a relationship will work only if both parties respect each other, and that trust has to be earned. I'd appreciate any suggestions. -- GUARDED SIBLING IN FLORIDA

DEAR GUARDED SIBLING: Please accept my condolences for the loss of your mother. I am unclear as to why you would want to accept the overtures from someone with whom you have such a difficult relationship. However, because you feel that it would be possible under your terms, my advice is to write her a letter and tell her you will be willing to try only under the circumstances you described to me. To do so would not be rude, and it will be interesting to see if she is able to comply.

DEAR ABBY: I'm being married next year and want to make sure I send written thank-you notes to everyone. I have been a diligent thank-you note writer for years.

Can you tell me what's the best way to get everyone's address? I have had problems with this in the past. I hate having to call and ask because the people always want to know why I want the information. Would it be OK to have as part of the wedding website a place where guests who attend can confirm their mailing address? -- BRIDE-TO-BE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR BRIDE-TO-BE: How do you plan to invite your guests to the wedding? Most brides send their invitations via U.S. mail, which requires the person's name, address and ZIP code on the envelope.

However, if you plan to issue your invitations online, then I see no reason you can't ask your guests to confirm their information on your wedding site. It wouldn't be a breach of etiquette.

DEAR ABBY: I always thought that "Lana," my wife of 14 years, and I had the perfect marriage. When I discovered she was having an affair, it hit me like a train wreck. After many weeks of trying to discover who she really is, I found out she has had several affairs throughout our marriage.

I still love my wife and feel I could forgive her and regain my trust in her. The problem is, she says she is trying to recover from her actions, so she can no longer hear about my problems or respond to any of my questions.

Lana is now saying I need to see someone to discuss our issues with. We are already seeing a marriage counselor, but I suspect he is too connected to us as a couple. What do you think? -- LOST IN LIMBO

DEAR IN LIMBO: I think the marriage counselor should have made clear to you and your wife that in order for trust to be rebuilt it takes lots of dialogue and listening on the part of both spouses. And painful as it may be for Lana, she owes you the answers to your questions.

That said, I think she is correct in suggesting you talk to someone individually. With the help of a licensed psychotherapist -- someone who is there just for you -- you may be able to rationally decide whether your wife is capable of being the person you assumed she was, and if staying married to her is the best thing for you.

DEAR ABBY: My mother died a few years ago after a prolonged illness. My father has found a new lady ("Colette") to share his life, and they are now engaged.

My problem is my sisters. We are all adults with families of our own. They don't like Colette at all. They are rude to her and behave like spoiled children. Colette is very different from Mom, but our family has always been open-minded and taken pride in our conviction that "normal" is just a setting on the dryer.

Colette isn't after Dad's money, nor is she forcing her way into our lives. She's also not trying to replace Mom. It appears she genuinely cares for our dad, which I can understand. He's a good man, smart, attractive and fun to be with.

Dad is happy as a clam. He's enjoying life and has lots more life to live. The only thing that mars his happiness is my sisters' attitudes. What can I do to help them? I don't want to be too harsh because I know they are still grieving, but I hate to see them drive a wedge into what remains of our family. -- JOY IN TEXAS

DEAR JOY: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your mother. Perhaps you should remind your sisters how grateful they should be that your father has been able to find happiness after losing your mother. Not all widowers are able to do that. Stress that his desire to remarry is a tribute to the relationship he had with your mother, because men who had unfulfilling marriages usually don't want to commit again.

Point out that they have nothing to gain by alienating Colette and a lot to lose, because the more they treat her with disrespect, the farther away they will drive her -- and your dad. Then suggest that if they can't resolve their grief, they join a support group or consult a therapist for help.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 42-year-old divorced father of two. I have had a girlfriend, "Dawn," for about a year. She has met my kids, but she's still uncomfortable with the "situation." She has concerns about me having been married before, such as having experienced many of the firsts she has yet to enjoy.

Dawn doesn't like being in my house because I had it when I was married, and she says my kids remind her of my past. She says she doesn't want to share me with anyone, including them.

When we're alone, we are absolutely phenomenal as a couple. We love and care about each other deeply. This is causing a tremendous amount of stress on us, and neither of us knows how to handle it or what to do. Please help. -- TWO'S COMPANY IN ILLINOIS

DEAR TWO'S COMPANY: Forgive me for being blunt, but you need to break it off with this woman before you waste any more of her time or yours. You may be crazy about Dawn, but your first responsibility must be to your children, and she has made it clear how she feels about them.

You may be phenomenal as a couple, but there are more people involved than just the two of you. She needs to find someone who has no encumbrances, and you need to find a lady who has a greater capacity for love than Dawn appears to be capable of.

DEAR ABBY: I often eat out with friends when we travel and when we're here at home. Some of them bring their own canned drinks or powdered drink mix to add to water served by the restaurant. I have an uneasy feeling about this. I don't think it is right to take my own drink into an eating establishment.

I have never said anything negative about it, but I haven't joined in the practice. Is my discomfort my problem? What do you think about this? -- TESTY SOUTHERN BELLE

DEAR BELLE: What I think about it is less important than what the restaurant does, and not knowing the reason your friends behave this way, I am hesitant to judge them. I'm not sure what kind of canned or powdered drink your friends are bringing, but if they are on some kind of restricted diet, then it's what they need to do for a while. If the restaurant objected, the manager would either tell your friends not to do it anymore or institute a charge to make up for the lost income.

DEAR ABBY: I have been with "Russell" for four months. We live together and eventually would like to be married. Russ is very honest. He told me he had impregnated a woman prior to me and she was eight months pregnant. I asked him to contact her on my behalf so I can meet her, since we plan on having a future together.

When I called the woman to suggest we meet somewhere, she cursed me out for contacting her and for telling her she can't communicate with Russ unless I'm involved. When Russ told her the same thing, she ordered him not to contact her again.

Russ has tried calling her since then because he wants to be involved in his child's life, but she never called him back. What do you think we should do? -- LOOKING TOWARD THE FUTURE

DEAR LOOKING: What Russell should do -- and you, as well -- is talk with an attorney to establish exactly what his rights and responsibilities will be to his child, once paternity has been established.

TO MY JEWISH READERS: At sundown, Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, begins. This is the beginning of our time of solemn introspection. "Leshana tova tikatevu" -- may each of us be inscribed in the Book of Life and enjoy a good year.