life

Parents Persist in Thinking Gay Son Will Straighten Out

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 12th, 2014 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I'm a gay male college student who is out and comfortable with who I am -- 99 percent of the time. When I was in high school, I tried to come out to my parents and it didn't go smoothly. They had an emotional crisis for a day, then shrugged it off as "just another teenage phase." After the panic mode was over, they bought me off with an expensive car and continued believing I'm straight.

I make no attempt to hide who I am because I expect to be treated the same, regardless. But it's awkward whenever I am asked by either parent, "Do you have a girlfriend?" or, "How are you doing with the ladies?"

Do you have any advice on what I should say in response, given my parents' emotional reaction? -- IT'S WHO I AM IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR WHO I AM: It is obvious that your parents are in denial. If you haven't told them again about your sexual orientation, you should.

If you are unable to summon up the words to tell them what they are waiting for isn't going to happen, then contact PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays -- pflag.org), not only for your own sake, but also for theirs. In light of your parents' reaction the last time you leveled with them, they may need emotional support to accept that you are gay, and PFLAG can provide it.

Family & ParentingSex & GenderTeens
life

Introductions Are Five Years Overdue For Wife And In-Laws

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 12th, 2014 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my husband for a year. We dated for four years before the wedding, and we have a son together. The child and I have never met any of my husband's immediate family. I have never spoken to any of them over the phone, either.

He has met all of my family members. I have asked repeatedly to meet his, and he tells me he's planning a family trip to visit. He seemed annoyed when I brought it up. What should I do? -- LEFT OUT IN FLORIDA

DEAR LEFT OUT: That you have had no contact with these people in the five years you've been in the picture is, frankly, beyond strange. It appears there may be some things your husband hasn't told you. He may be ashamed of his family, on the outs with them, or they were never told about his involvement with you and/or the existence of their grandchild.

Because you have now been a member of their family for a year, pick up the phone, call your in-laws and introduce yourself.

Marriage & DivorceFamily & Parenting
life

Husband Thinks Wife Should Butt Out Of Friend's Love Life

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 12th, 2014 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: Please help to settle a debate between my husband and me. Is it all right for a woman to give relationship advice to her friend?

I have a friend who is struggling in her relationship, and I have tried to help with advice I feel is appropriate and positive. Is this wrong, or should I stay out of it like my husband suggests? -- GOOD FRIEND IN TEXAS

DEAR GOOD FRIEND: Part of female friendship is sharing experiences and advice with each other. However, remember that if your friend is "struggling" in this relationship, in the final analysis, she's going to have to resolve the problems herself. If she is unable to do that without coming back to you again and again, then her relationship probably won't last in spite of your best efforts.

Friends & Neighbors
life

Husband Holed Up in Man Cave Leaves His Wife Out in the Cold

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 11th, 2014 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 13 years, and I'm beginning to wonder if my husband still wants to be with me. He gets home before I do and stays in his room watching TV and piddling around on the computer. He never comes out to say hello when I get home; I go in there and greet him. He comes out when I have dinner fixed and then returns to his room.

I understand the "man cave" thing. Everyone needs their time and space, but this has become an everyday routine. I have tried to tell him I feel ignored. The next night he'll come into the living room and watch TV with me, but I feel he's doing it only because he feels he should, not because he wants to.

Is this my clue that he doesn't care about sharing time with me anymore? I don't want to beg for his attention. -- LONELY IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR LONELY: It appears that way. You refer to the room in which your husband watches TV and uses his computer as "his" room and not a den. Does he also sleep in there? If that's the case, and the only time you spend together is at the dinner table, your marriage is in suspended animation.

If what he's watching on television or his computer has become a substitute for having a relationship with you -- and that's what it appears -- you need to find out what happened to the intimacy you once shared. What you have described is a platonic roommate relationship and not a healthy marriage.

If you want to change the dynamics, you are going to have to have some serious conversations with your husband about what your needs are, and also his. Start now.

Marriage & Divorce
life

Immigrant Parents Have Never Overcome Language Barrier

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 11th, 2014 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My parents immigrated here from a foreign country 20 years ago. Although they speak some basic English, they have yet to become even remotely fluent in the language. As a result, they are always asking me to do everything for them -- pay their bills, file their taxes, go with them to doctors' appointments, translate for delivery people and take my mom on errands because she doesn't drive. I am irritated.

When will they learn English? I am the child, not the parent. I feel like I have been a mini-adult for many years as their personal chauffeur, secretary, interpreter, etc. I don't mind doing occasional favors for them, but enough is enough. What should I do? -- BEYOND FRUSTRATED IN CHICAGO

DEAR BEYOND FRUSTRATED: I think you should take into consideration that learning a new language is much easier for children than it is for adults. You were immersed in English when you went to school and were exposed to it not only in the classroom but also on the playground. Your parents weren't so lucky. They should have enrolled in an ESL class right away, but instead apparently interacted only with people who spoke their language.

However, it's never too late to make an effort, so encourage them to start now. A way to persuade them would be to ask them what they would do if, heaven forbid, something happened to you. Some people who have picked up English did so by watching English language television instead of what's aired in their own.

You are not alone in having this problem. The children of every ethnic group that has come to the United States has experienced what you are.

Family & Parenting
life

Mixed-Race Baby Would Be a Surprise but Not an Outcast

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 10th, 2014 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am five months pregnant with my second child and engaged to a wonderful man, "Tony." We get along well with my ex-husband with whom I share custody of my first child. But problems may arise when the baby is born.

I had a night of sex with a friend who is of a different race. Tony knows about it and the possibility that the baby will be mixed. He feels strongly that he will help me raise the child as his own.

My family knows nothing about this, nor does my ex. How should I handle the possible backlash and confusion if this child is, indeed, the product of my one-night stand? -- SCARED IN THE SOUTH

DEAR SCARED: Say nothing prematurely. If your baby turns out to be mixed race, deal with it matter-of-factly. While there may be confusion, all you have to do is say that you and Tony plan to raise this child together in a loving family. If they wish to participate, they are welcome. If not, make it clear that you will do it without their help.

Your baby will not be alone. According to the Census Bureau, the population of mixed-race Americans grew 32 percent from 2000 to 2010.

Family & ParentingSex & GenderMarriage & Divorce
life

Girlfriend Helps Herself To Coffee-Can Savings

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 10th, 2014 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend, "Donna," and I have been together for eight years. We have a great relationship, respect each other and never argue. She has a low-paying job, and I don't ask much of her in regard to rent or other bills, but she does buy a few groceries now and then.

I have always told Donna that if she ever needs money, all she has to do is ask me and I'll help with what I can. My dilemma is that she "borrowed" about $50 in change I had been saving in a coffee can and didn't tell me. When I asked her about it, she said she'd put it back. That was more than a month ago.

Am I being petty? I'd hate for this to become an issue between us. Should I say something again, or just wait to see what Donna does? -- SHORTCHANGED GUY

DEAR SHORTCHANGED: That Donna would take the money, not tell you, and not pay it back or start "feeding the kitty" is disappointing. Because it bothers you to the point of writing to me, tell her what's on your mind. If you don't, it will fester until there is an eruption. Better to air this now, before it grows out of proportion.

Love & DatingMoney
life

Taking A Peek Is The Best Way To Check Bathroom Stalls

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 10th, 2014 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: Upon going into a public women's restroom where the doors of the stalls are closed, what is the polite way to check if someone is in a stall? Should I try to open the door or look under to see if there are feet? -- GOTTA GO IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR GOTTA: The time-honored, foolproof method is to check if there are feet. It's less disruptive than pushing on the door, which might startle an occupant.

Etiquette & Ethics

Subscribe

Receive Dear Abby Free Every Day


Next up: More trusted advice from...

  • Complimenting Strangers
  • Imperfections
  • Dogs in the Winter
  • Toy Around
  • A Clean Getaway
  • Patio Appeal
  • Dad Frustrated by Kids' Refusing to Learn Basic Care Maintenance
  • Mother's Fear of Meds Stalls Recovery
  • Couple Disagrees Over Thermostat Settings for Visitors
UExpressLifeParentingHomePetsHealthAstrologyOdditiesA-Z
AboutContactSubmissionsTerms of ServicePrivacy Policy
©2023 Andrews McMeel Universal