life

Plans to Share a Room Hit a Snag Over Mom's Snoring

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 4th, 2014 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My son's out-of-town wedding is coming up. My mother will attend and be traveling with me. I am single, and my mom is also single. She's planning on sharing a room with me.

Abby, my mom has a severe snoring problem, and I'm a very light sleeper. I cannot sleep with a snorer! I don't want to ruin my time at my son's wedding, and she's upset about the added expense of another room, which neither of us can really afford, but I don't know what else to do. -- MOTHER OF THE GROOM

DEAR MOTHER OF THE GROOM: The separate room may be a luxury you can't "really afford," but incurring the expense may be worth it so you won't sleepwalk through your son's wedding. I'm not recommending earplugs because, while they may dull the racket, they won't completely eliminate the sound of severe snoring.

P.S. If your mother's physician doesn't know about her snoring, it should be discussed so the doctor can make sure it isn't a symptom of a serious health problem.

Family & ParentingHealth & Safety
life

Grandma Takes Flak For Acting Like A Kid

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 4th, 2014 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My son has two children who are in temporary foster care, and has visitation with the ex's stepsister, who got the right to grant visitation. Recently we had a birthday party for them. All the grandparents, aunts and uncles were invited. It was a kiddie party, of course, and I jumped into the pool and played with the children. We had a ball!

A few weeks later, I heard the stepsister's mother had said I had "no business" playing in the pool with the kids. I was taken aback. Isn't that what grandmas are for? I love playing with the little ones.

Was I wrong for not "acting my age"? Did I make a fool of myself? The custody fight is ongoing and I don't want to do anything that would jeopardize my son winning custody. -- WORRIED IN NEW YORK

DEAR WORRIED: I don't think you did anything inappropriate. I suspect the stepsister's mother was jealous that she wasn't the person in the pool, which is why she didn't speak up during the party and you had to hear it weeks later secondhand.

Family & ParentingMarriage & Divorce
life

Elegant Solution To Party Dilemma Saves The Day (And Money)

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 4th, 2014 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: On July 31 you printed my question about throwing a 25th anniversary party for my parents. I want to let you know that instead of taking on an expensive dinner that I can't afford right now, I'm collaborating with a cousin to have a chef come into their home to prepare a nice meal for them and the people who participated in their wedding. I felt it was a much more personal and cost-effective way to give them the nice anniversary they deserve. Thank you for your advice! -- SON OF SILVERS

DEAR S.O.S.: I'm delighted you wrote to share your solution. The idea is terrific. I am sure your parents will be thrilled and other readers will appreciate your ingenuity. Thank you!

Holidays & CelebrationsMoney
life

Husband Is Reluctant Spectator at Wife's Parade in the Nude

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 3rd, 2014 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My wife walks around our house nude or topless with the shades open, and anybody walking outside can see in. Recently she did this while some painting contractors were working around our house. I have begged her not to, to no avail. What should I do? -- MORE MODEST IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR M.M.: It appears you married an exhibitionist. You might point out to her that parading around that way could be considered disrespectful to the workers she's exposed herself to. But don't be surprised if she's unwilling to change because it may give her some kind of thrill. (I'm sure it also gives the viewers something to talk about around the dinner table.)

Marriage & DivorceSex & Gender
life

Hot Coals Buried On Beach Are Hazard To Bare Feet

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 3rd, 2014 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: Please remind beachgoers that they need to leave their fire pits open and not cover them with sand. My 16-month-old grandnephew was walking on a beach in Carmel, California, with his mom and dad when he suffered burns to his feet from walking across sand beneath which were hot coals. It will take at least three weeks for this dear baby's feet to heal from those burns.

People don't realize that covering the coals with sand hides them and keeps them hot for up to 24 hours! Beach fires must be treated differently from those in a forest, where they should be covered with dirt because of the surrounding trees. -- BEACH ETIQUETTE

DEAR B.E.: I'm printing your letter not only as a warning to beachgoers who might be using fire pits, but also to the parents of small children because hot buried coals can be a hidden danger to their little ones. Because the coals cannot be seen, children sometimes confuse fire pits ringed by rocks with "sandboxes," and the results can be tragic.

According to the University of California Irvine's Regional Burn Center, "coals should be extinguished by drenching them with water, waiting five minutes and drenching them again." (Italics are mine.) When water isn't available, the coals should simply be allowed to burn out.

Health & Safety
life

Grandma's Death Casts A Pall On Wedding

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 3rd, 2014 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Patrick," and I were married last year. On the morning of our wedding, his grandmother, "Sally," died. It was very sudden. Everyone assumed we'd postpone it, but we didn't.

Abby, my husband is still emotionally distraught over her death. Patrick's parents were absent from his life and Grandma Sally had raised him. Did we make a mistake by not postponing our wedding? How can I help him? -- SAD NEW WIFE IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR SAD NEW WIFE: Life is for the living. I don't know how large your wedding was, but if there were contracts involved (hall, flowers, music, caterer, guests coming in from out of town, etc.), you were right to follow through with your plans. I am sure that's what Grandma Sally would have wanted.

Please convey to your husband how sorry I am for his loss. Because he is moving so slowly through the grieving process, it would be helpful for him to contact a grief support group. To find one, he can ask a doctor, clergyman or hospice for a referral.

DeathMarriage & DivorceMental Health
life

Using Mother Tongue Makes Family Conversation Difficult

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 2nd, 2014 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My son married an educated professional woman from another country. When their twins were born, my daughter-in-law immersed them in her native language so it would become their mother tongue. Although I understand and respect the benefits of being bilingual, this caused a lot of communication gaps and frustration between us and the grandkids during their early years.

They attend a bilingual elementary school now, and their English is superb and communication between us is great. The problem is, when we are together, my daughter-in-law speaks to her children exclusively in her native language. My son understands the conversation, but my husband and I do not know what is being said. We think this is rude and inconsiderate.

Are we being overly sensitive, or is this common practice in families with multiple languages? Our relationship with our daughter-in-law is polite and cordial, but not close or intimate. Any advice? -- LEFT OUT IN FLORIDA

DEAR LEFT OUT: This is not unusual in multilingual families, and I agree that it is inconsiderate. Have you spoken to your son and daughter-in-law about how this makes you feel? If you haven't, you should, because she may not be deliberately trying to make you feel excluded.

When you raise the subject, choose your words and tone carefully. Because if you don't, your relationship with your daughter-in-law could become a lot less cordial than it is.

Family & ParentingEtiquette & Ethics
life

A Husband Is A Husband

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 2nd, 2014 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 55-year-old gay male who has been with my now-spouse, "Owen," in a loving, committed relationship since 2005. While earlier we could not legally marry, in 2006 we had a commitment ceremony bringing together close friends and family to acknowledge and celebrate our relationship. In 2013, Owen and I were finally able to legally marry in California.

My dilemma comes from people who don't know what to call us. People often refer to my spouse as my "friend" or "partner." At times I say nothing, but more often than not, I find myself saying, "Oh, you mean my husband." Some of them thank me for the clarification; others just look at me with a blank stare.

Owen never corrects them because he feels it isn't his place. I feel it's my responsibility to do so, first so as to not play down the significance of our relationship, but also to educate these people. Do you think this is inappropriate? -- MARRIED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR MARRIED: Not at all. The people who refer to you and Owen as "partners" and "friends" are using terminology that is evolving because marriage among same-sex couples is still relatively new. As it becomes more commonplace, that will change. In the meantime, it's completely appropriate for you and Owen to speak up.

P.S. For any reader who may not already know, gay men refer to their spouse as their husband and lesbians refer to theirs as their wife.

Etiquette & EthicsMarriage & DivorceSex & Gender

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