DEAR READERS: It's April Fools' Day, the one day I can share some of the more unique letters that come my way -- clearly, more than a few of which were written in an attempt to have some fun with me. Enjoy!

DEAR ABBY: Many times when I would wake up in the morning, I'd find toothpaste already on my toothbrush, courtesy of my foreign-born girlfriend, "Inger." Because I am chivalrous, I figured I would return the favor. So at night before going to bed or in the morning, I'd tiptoe to the bathroom and put toothpaste on her toothbrush.

Well, the other day Inger told me, "DON'T put toothpaste on my toothbrush!" I was flabbergasted. And if that's not enough, she no longer preps my toothbrush, either.

I know, I know -- I should have asked a simple "Why?" but I wasn't in the mood for drama. Now it's eating at me and I just don't get it. -- CONFUSED IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR CONFUSED: I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but here it is: Inger appears to be giving you the brush-off.

DEAR ABBY: I have this really hot, sexy latex dress in lilac. I can't decide which color 6-inch stilettos to wear with it, black or white. I don't want to look trashy. -- FASHIONISTA IN THE EAST

DEAR FASHIONISTA: With latex in April, wear flats and a LONG overcoat.

DEAR ABBY: I married a wonderful man last week. It was the wedding of my dreams except for one thing: My husband's sister brought six birds with her and insisted it was perfectly acceptable to keep them in the reception area. My new in-laws all said I was "unreasonable" for not allowing the caged birds in the reception area.

I was strong and stood my ground. After a year of preparation, I didn't want our nuptials spoiled by uninvited birds. Has anyone ever written to you about uninvited birds being brought to a wedding? -- RUFFLED FEATHERS IN RENO

DEAR RUFFLED: The only ones I can recall were a few cuckoos, but I'm not sure they were of the avian variety.

DEAR ABBY: I have a dear old friend I talk with on the phone several times a day. She is the talkative type and sometimes keeps me on the phone for half an hour at a time. The problem is I have an overactive bladder and sometimes must rush to the bathroom. It's very embarrassing. Is there a nice way to tell her I need to get off the phone for a few minutes without being rude or too specific? -- LEAKING IN LAS VEGAS

DEAR LEAKING: Yes. Tell her to hang on, you'll be back in a flush.

DEAR ABBY: All the letters you have printed about pennies brought back the memories of what happened in our family when I was very small. My mother won a $10 gold piece for her sponge cake, but our family dog swallowed the coin.

You are probably wondering if we got the coin back. No, we didn't. Turned out the coin was counterfeit, and the dog couldn't "pass it." -- GOTCHA! IN AMHERST, OHIO

DEAR GOTCHA!: Now that's a shaggy dog story if I ever heard one. (And for a moment, I swallowed it.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for seven years and have two children. My husband has what I can only describe as an Internet addiction. He's literally online from the time I go to bed until I wake up to take our kids to school. I checked and discovered many profiles he has made up on different dating sites.

When I confronted him, he told me he has no interest in having an affair. He said he has been depressed for some time, and it's his way of escaping reality. I recommended he talk to a therapist, but he keeps trying to justify his behavior by telling me I have no reason to feel hurt because it's all "make-believe."

Our relationship has taken a serious dive since I found out. I no longer trust him alone on the computer. I am also no longer attracted to him, and I no longer feel attractive. I don't know what I can do to be a supportive partner if he won't admit he has a problem. Please help me. I'm at a total loss. -- SECOND TO A SCREEN NAME

DEAR SECOND: May I be frank? First on your agenda should be to take care of yourself and your own emerging depression. If that means talking to a professional, then go for it.

You have every right to be angry about what your husband has been doing. It isn't harmless, and it isn't effective therapy for his depression. Much as you might wish to, you can't fix his problem -- which is trying to escape from reality. Only he can do that. Let's hope he'll find the courage to face what he's trying to escape from while your marriage is still salvageable.

DEAR ABBY: I am not suicidal, but I do think about death, in the sense of what happens when one dies. I believe in the heaven-and-hell theory. Although I'm not sure I want to go to heaven, I AM sure I don't want to go to hell.

My reason for not wanting to go to heaven is because of the relatives who have gone before me. I come from a very abusive family but, like so many, most of them have been able to do what I call the "last-minute redemption." With that in mind, I do not want to spend all of eternity with the same people I could not wait to have exit this Earth.

I am also not a big believer in this forgiveness thing -- forgiving adults who do these things to children and expect them to forget about it. I sure haven't, and I never will!

Do you, or the clergy, think it's possible for God to just let some of us sleep through eternity without meeting up with family on "the other side"? -- OWENSBORO, KY., READER

DEAR READER: Because I am more involved with what's going on in this life rather than the next, I took your question to Rev. Canon Mark Stanger of Grace Cathedral in San Francisco. He suggests that you stop thinking about heaven as a "place" or that you need a scorecard to get there. He also said: "A merciful God will make heaven what you need -- and in your case, heaven may be liberation from these troubled people."

DEAR ABBY: We're proud parents of a new baby girl. She's adorable, and we feel lucky and blessed.

Although having a new baby is an exciting, magical time, it is also very stressful. Sleep deprivation, difficulty with breast-feeding, plus endless visits and phone calls can wear any new parent thin. Also, if Mom had an episiotomy or C-section, she may be in pain. In addition -- or perhaps because of these things -- some women also struggle with postpartum depression.

Friends and family don't always realize everything new parents must cope with. I compared notes with other parents and came up with a short list of guidelines for friends and family of new parents:

1. UNLESS YOU ARE IMMEDIATE FAMILY OR VERY CLOSE FRIENDS, WAIT UNTIL THE THIRD WEEK OR SO TO CALL. Keep in mind the first two weeks are often the toughest. If you would like the new parents to know you're thinking of them, send a card.

2. LIMIT VISITS TO 20 OR 30 MINUTES. Unless you are staying to help with the housework, or know your presence is wanted longer than this, keep your visit short.

3. IF YOU VISIT, BRING FOOD! A simple casserole or some takeout will be gratefully accepted by the exhausted parents.

4. WASH YOUR HANDS IMMEDIATELY BEFORE TOUCHING THE BABY. While it's unlikely that you would unwittingly pass a cold or sore throat to the baby, seeing you wash your hands will make concerned new parents feel better.

5. LEAVE YOUR SMALL CHILDREN AT HOME. Even if you keep a close eye on your children, their high energy level can be too much for already stressed-out new parents.

6. BE SENSITIVE ABOUT MOM'S NEED TO BREAST-FEED. If Mom had a surgical birth, moving around can be an effort for her. If she needs to nurse, offer to leave the room. -- NEW MOM IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR NEW MOM: Congratulations on your new arrival. Your guidelines make sense, and I'm pleased to share them. However, as sensible as they may be, do not be surprised if most of your visitors don't abide by them -- because if my mail is any indication, the majority will think they are the exception to the rule.

DEAR ABBY: My husband drinks milk straight from the carton. He says it's OK because he's the only one in the house who drinks milk. (True.) I have told him I find it disgusting and that company often drinks milk, having no idea that he drinks straight from the carton.

Isn't this unsanitary -- not to mention rude and selfish behavior? I'd love to know how to get him to stop. -- GROSSED OUT IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR GROSSED OUT: I'm sorry you are grossed out, but what your husband is doing isn't a federal offense -- particularly since he's the only milk-drinker in the house. However, a solution to your problem might be to separate a portion of the milk into another container, so that it will be available for guests should the need arise.