DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 40 years. Like all married couples, we have had our ups and downs, but we have a good marriage. We have two children and five grandchildren.

I wouldn't change anything, except I never had an engagement ring. My husband has bought jewelry for me over the years, but never what I really want -- a diamond ring.

I have hinted to him over the last few years, left jewelry store catalogs and enlisted my sister-in-law to TELL him. He can afford it. But he just won't buy one for me.

He has been financially helpful to our children and is generous to charity. But when it comes to this, it's becoming clear that he thinks I am just not worth it. I feel unloved and deeply hurt. It seems my needs always come last, and this is just one more. Any comments? -- DISENGAGED IN FLORIDA

DEAR DISENGAGED: Yes. Diamonds are minerals that have been marketed to the public to seem like something more. Do not let this negatively affect your relationship with your husband. If a diamond ring is what you want, then consider buying one for yourself. You wouldn't be the first woman to do it, and you won't be the last.

DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend of 18 months, whom I love with all my heart, just learned an ex-boyfriend passed away. They dated on and off for 10 years, and she's inconsolable.

After their relationship ended, she married someone else and divorced. I am having a really hard time with how she's handling this. Can you please help? -- CURRENT MR. RIGHT IN RHODE ISLAND

DEAR CURRENT MR. RIGHT: Your girlfriend may not be mourning the death of her former flame as much as she's grieving a burial of 10 years of her history. Give her time and let her share her feelings with you. If you do, it will bring you closer. Do NOT allow jealousy to enter into the picture. (Remember, the man is dead, and YOU are her future.)

If her deep grief persists, suggest she get grief counseling. That would be the most loving and supportive thing you could do.

DEAR ABBY: I have a problem dealing with shopping mall kiosk operators. Many of them are outright obnoxious. They block your way and insist that you listen to their pitch or try their product. I find I have to avoid eye contact with them. They might say something nice as I walk by, but if I answer, it is a guaranteed lead-in to a sales pitch.

I feel bad for not replying, but it's the only way. I know they are trying to make a living, but I can see their product as I walk by. If it's something I'm interested in, I'll stop and ask. Otherwise, I think they should respect my privacy. Am I wrong for feeling this way? -- BOTHERED IN TEMPE, ARIZ.

DEAR BOTHERED: Not at all. If a stranger speaks to you, no rule of etiquette compels you to reply. When one of these salespeople starts to pitch you, all you need to say is, "Not interested!" and keep walking. However, if someone attempts to physically restrain you, it should be reported to the mall management because that is going too far.

DEAR ABBY: My sister has children younger than mine, but the kids all play together frequently. She recently caught them involved in a game of "truth or dare" and a couple of the kids had no clothes on.

While I was surprised to hear it and have spoken to my children about it, it seems to me to be one of those games that kids play. My sister insists it's about dominance and sex and refuses to let my kids play with hers any longer.

I'm heartbroken over her reaction and don't know how to respond. We barely speak anymore. What do you think? -- JUST A GAME? IN IOWA

DEAR JUST A GAME: Whether what happened was because of natural curiosity or about "dominance" would depend on the ages of the children involved. Not allowing the children to play together again seems like an overreaction, but a serious discussion about boundaries should certainly have taken place after the incident.

DEAR ABBY: I started dating my childhood sweetheart when we were in high school. I'm now in college.

My dreams and goals have always been to move from our small town to a big city in another state. The problem is my boyfriend, "Clay," never wants to leave here. He isn't even interested in travel, which is something I would love to do.

I have stayed in our hometown for him. Everyone in my family thinks he's holding me back and isn't being fair. He may not be perfect, but he does make me happy.

I now have an opportunity to move, but Clay refuses to go. Should I go anyway, regardless of what it does to our relationship? Do I take the risk of being happy in a new city by myself, or stay where I know what the ending will be? -- STUCK IN SMALLTOWN, U.S.A.

DEAR STUCK: All of life is a risk. Please listen to your family. I think you know in your heart that you need to experience a little independence. If you don't take advantage of the opportunity you have been given, you will indeed be "Stuck in Smalltown, U.S.A." Forever.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married for 10 years. She is a Realtor and I'm a maintenance worker. I work eight hours a day, five days a week and sometimes on weekends and overtime when needed.

My wife thinks that when I'm off on weekends I should be working around the house. I have tried telling her that those are my days off to do what I prefer or just relax. I do maintenance work all week, and then she expects me to do it on weekends, too? I don't mind it occasionally, but with her it's every weekend. I feel like getting a divorce because of her never-ending demands.

I also play in a band with my friends on Sunday evenings. It's only once a week, but she gives me flak about that, too. I'm at work 40 hours a week and with her every evening except Sunday. I don't fish, play golf, hang out at bars, chase women or have any other hobbies. How can I get her to understand? -- WANTS TO RELAX

DEAR WANTS: Have you told your wife you feel like divorcing her because of her never-ending demands? It might be a way to get her attention.

Tell her that you're willing to fix things around the house one or two days a month, but if her punch list requires more than that, she should hire someone.

And as to your playing in the band -- invite her to come and listen if she wants, but make it plain that you don't intend to stop.

DEAR ABBY: When I was in my early 20s, I had a baby boy I placed for adoption. I could barely take care of myself, let alone a newborn. The father wanted nothing to do with me or the baby, so I placed him with his relatives out of state, who adopted him. With counseling, I got my life back on track, finished college and got a good job. I am married now and have a family.

After 20 years, this child, "Fred," called me. We talked every night for a few weeks and I invited him here to live with me. BIG MISTAKE! Long story short, Fred is greedy, lazy and expects everyone to wait on him. He refuses to look for a job or go to school, and he expects me to pay all his expenses.

I called his adoptive family. They said when things don't go his way, Fred pouts and doesn't communicate until he needs money. They feel exactly as I do -- he should get a job or go to school.

Abby, my family loves Fred and welcomed him with open arms, but I feel detached from him. As soon as I learned I was pregnant, I began separating myself because I knew it would be difficult to let go. I do not regard Fred as a member of my family and have no maternal feelings for him. I'd be OK if I knew he was doing well -- from a distance. But I'd prefer not to maintain a relationship. I don't love this young man, and I don't know what to say when he says, "Love you, Mom."

Am I wrong to feel this way? Is there anyone else out there who feels as I do? My family is trying to guilt me into accepting him, but I can't. It's not because of his greedy behavior, although that's part of it. Have others had a similar experience? -- SINCERELY NOT HIS MOM

DEAR SINCERELY: I'm printing your letter because although many adoption reunions go well, not all of them do. If other birth mothers would like to share their experiences, I'm inviting them to do so.

However, I do have this to offer: Do NOT allow yourself to be trapped into doing anything with which you are not comfortable. Your feelings may be based on the circumstances surrounding Fred's birth. They may also result from your disappointment in his lack of character. While you will always be Fred's birth mother, you are NOT his "mom." That distinction belongs to the woman who raised him.

DEAR ABBY: My brother is dating one of my employees. She has one of those "take charge" personalities. She's pushy and she's trying to worm her way into the family.

At work I can keep her at bay, but at family events she's out of control. She insists on doing and cooking everything -- including cleaning my mother's house, which isn't dirty, by the way.

My older brothers' significant others have noticed, but being the only daughter, I'm at my wits' end. She won't take "no thanks" for an answer. I am sick of her "I'll get this, I've got it, it's OK" attitude.

I'm trying to keep my brother's happiness in mind and not cause a scene, but I'm afraid I'll lose it one of these days. Any advice? -- I, TOO, CAN ORGANIZE A PICNIC

DEAR I, TOO: Has it occurred to you that your brother's girlfriend (your employee) may be desperate to be accepted, which is why she's going to such great lengths to please? My advice is to relax, because her efforts are no reflection on you. I'm sure you have done your part at many family functions. If her efforts are alienating the other significant others, perhaps they can stage an "intervention" and get her to calm down. In the meantime, hang onto your temper.