DEAR ABBY: I'm incredibly fond of my friend "Russell." He is always supportive, considerate and kind to me. However, I know that he is into S&M and this worries me, as I can't reconcile the two different people -- a gentle person with someone wanting to dominate and possibly hurt a woman in bed.

Should I be worried that Russell is hiding a dark side that will eventually come out and ruin our friendship? -- WORRIED FRIEND IN AUSTRALIA

DEAR WORRIED: You and Russell must be very close friends if he is describing his sexual practices with you. My experts tell me that acting out on aggressive fantasies does not necessarily mean a person IS aggressive.

As long as your relationship remains platonic, what he does in the bedroom shouldn't affect it. But if you're considering taking your friendship with Russell to another level, it's important that you talk further about this. If this isn't something you're interested in exploring -- and it isn't for everyone -- then draw the line or move on.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 14-year-old girl, and my mother just got home from rehab. I have been living with my grandmother for a year and a half.

I want to tell my mother my feelings, but I don't want to hurt her. I love her, but I'm still not over what she has done. She is barely home. She has meetings, and she likes to stay with her boyfriend. I think it's too soon. She came home only a week ago. What do I do, Abby? -- CONFUSED TEEN

DEAR CONFUSED: You have my sympathy. I hope your mother's rehabilitation will be successful. It's good that she is going to meetings, and I agree with you that it's too soon for her to be staying with her boyfriend.

However, she's unlikely to accept hearing it from you or me, which is why you should talk to your grandmother about your feelings. Your mother might accept it if she hears from your grandmother that should there be any "bumps" in her relationship with this man -- and there usually are a few -- that they could jeopardize her sobriety.

DEAR ABBY: I have a 19-month-old son, "Nicky." He stays at my in-laws' house most days while my husband and I work. Lately, I've noticed when I go to pick him up that Grandma and Grandpa like to give him "kiss attacks," where they hold him "hostage" and give him several kisses.

Sometimes he lets them, and it's not a problem. Other times he squirms, whines and tells them no. It's painful to watch, especially when they respond with, "I know you're not going to like this, but I'm going to do it anyway."

I think this is a huge violation of my son's boundaries. It teaches him he should just give in because nobody cares that he's uncomfortable. My husband thinks Nicky is too young to understand, and that it's not going to hurt him to have extra affection.

I'm an affectionate person who likes to hug and kiss my son, too, but if he's not in the mood, I let him be. Who is right? -- LOVING MOMMY IN COLORADO

DEAR LOVING MOMMY: You are. Affection is something welcome. If you don't want it, it's not affection. The most significant issues in child development have to do with nurturing and building trust. However well meant, holding a child "hostage" is more a display of power than affection.

If your in-laws stopped "attacking," your son would be more likely to seek their affection when he wants it. A better way to demonstrate their love for him would be to do something creative, like draw a picture showing their affection for him.

DEAR ABBY: I'd like to tell your readers about a wonderful program I discovered about a year ago. It's called Overeaters Anonymous (OA). The program is similar to AA, but it's for people with an eating problem.

For years, I struggled to lose weight. I tried dozens of diets, pills and saw several doctors. I would lose some weight, but I could never stick with a program, so I gained back more than I lost. I felt like a loser.

I was a food junkie. I ate when I was happy, sad, depressed, bored or lonely. I would buy candy at the checkout counter at the market and eat it on the way home. Then I'd hide the wrapper in the garage so my family wouldn't know I ate it.

I hid candy in the kitchen cabinets so no one would find it, then I'd sneak in and eat it later. I could never have only one serving size of chips or cookies. I would consume half a bag before I stopped.

Since joining OA, I have lost more than 50 pounds and feel like a new person. I have a new outlook on life and no longer have to rely on food. It's good to be able to talk with people who have the same problems I do. It's a daily struggle, but I have a sponsor and others to talk to when I'm tempted to return to my old life.

Compulsive eating is a disease, Abby. And unless people have it, they don't understand. I hope this letter will help someone who is also struggling. -- GRATEFUL O.A. MEMBER IN ILLINOIS

DEAR GRATEFUL: I'm glad you found OA. It's a wonderful organization that has been around for many years. About 20 years ago, I was fortunate to meet the woman who founded it -- and she was a doll -- and I know the program has helped many thousands of people. Often when a person has weight issues, it is less about what he or she is eating than it is what is eating the PERSON.

Readers, OA has about 6,500 groups in more than 75 countries. There are no requirements for membership except a sincere desire to stop eating compulsively. Everyone is there to offer mutual support. I have attended some of the meetings, and there is no weighing and no embarrassment. There is only a fellowship of compassionate people who share a common problem.

There are OA chapters everywhere, but if you have trouble locating one, go to www.oa.org, or send a long, self-addressed stamped envelope to Overeaters Anonymous World Service, P.O. Box 44020, Rio Rancho, NM 87174-4020. The email address is info(at)oa.org.

DEAR ABBY: Because of finances, I still live with my ex-partner. We have been friends for 15 years. We split all the bills, and for the most part we get along quite well.

One thing has been bothering me, though. How should I handle things when he brings home a date? I am aware he becomes intimate, and occasionally it becomes quite loud. I have talked to him about this, and he says I should turn up the TV. I have asked him if he wants me to leave for the night to give him privacy. The answer is no, that it doesn't bother him if I stay, but it becomes uncomfortable for me.

How should I approach this in an adult manner? I love him dearly, but this is very awkward! -- EMBARRASSED

DEAR EMBARRASSED: It is laudable that you and your former partner are on such good terms. Out of consideration for you, why doesn't he plan to stay at his date's home or apartment whenever possible? If it isn't possible, ask him to let you know beforehand so you can make arrangements to be elsewhere for the night. I think you'd both sleep better.

DEAR ABBY: Can you be sexually harassed/abused by your spouse? My husband talks dirty to me and grabs at my breasts. I have repeatedly asked him to stop, but he doesn't listen and continues to do it. We have two small kids at home, and by the time they go to bed, I could care less about being intimate.

His behavior disgusts me, and to be honest, I don't want to have sex with him. I have female problems and have told him it hurts, but it makes no difference to him. He touches me in front of the kids, and I have to slap his hand away.

I can't leave him because I don't have a car or income for myself, nor do I have family or friends close by. I can't go to his family because they see him in a different light. What would you suggest, and is it harassment -- and could I press charges? -- LEAVE MY AURA ALONE

DEAR AURA: You have mentioned so many problems in your short letter that it's hard to know where to begin. While your husband's attempts at foreplay are beyond clumsy and ineffective, I can't help but feel some sympathy for him because it appears you have him on a starvation diet.

How long this can continue for either of you is uncertain. Rather than try to charge harassment, why not schedule an appointment with your gynecologist and find out why having sex is painful for you. It is not supposed to be, and your doctor may be able to help you resolve the problem. Marriage counseling might also help, because it's clear you and your husband aren't communicating on any meaningful level.

If these problems are not resolvable, you can't continue living like this and neither can he. Because your family isn't nearby and you have no transportation, call or write them and let them know you may need their help to return. If they are unable to help you, contact a domestic abuse hotline. Unwanted sexual advances could be considered harassment, and sex without consent is rape.

DEAR ABBY: It absolutely frosts me when parents head for the toy department so their children will have something to play with while they shop. Then, after the kids have spent time drooling, teething, sneezing, etc., they leave the dirty toys at the end of the aisle for someone else to buy.

Yesterday I saw a child sucking on the paw of a stuffed animal. When I commented on how that must be the child's favorite toy, the mother said it wasn't theirs -- she was just keeping the little boy quiet while she shopped.

Last week I stood behind someone in the checkout line. In her child's mouth was the ribbon from a Mylar balloon. When the mother finished loading her groceries onto the conveyor belt, she said, "Time to put this back now!"

It's my pet peeve: First the germs they get from sucking on this stuff, then the ones everyone else is exposed to from the child. And on top of that there's the stealing, because I have seen children break toys.

This is wrong, and we're all paying for it. Why can't these parents throw something in the diaper bag before they leave home? -- PUT IT DOWN! IN VIRGINIA

DEAR PUT IT DOWN: Because the parents aren't doing their job -- they are forgetful or lazy, and have no consideration for the store owners or other shoppers. Sadly, parents like the ones you have described raise children who are just like themselves.