DEAR ABBY: Earlier this year, my sister "Kathy" was diagnosed with breast cancer. She underwent a double mastectomy, chemo and radiation, and will begin reconstructive surgery soon.

Because of her diagnosis she encouraged me to visit my doctor for an exam. When I did, they found a lump, which needs further testing. I have chosen not to share this with my family because my sisters and parents have been deeply affected by Kathy's diagnosis, and I don't want to cause them needless worry.

My husband is angry and he said that because Kathy is their favorite they wouldn't be concerned anyway. I thought it was insensitive and cruel to me, but more to the point, I felt he wasn't thinking about how upset my doing so might make my family. Am I wrong to feel this way? -- NEEDS FURTHER TESTING

DEAR NEEDS FURTHER TESTING: Certainly not. Your husband's comment illustrates the importance of keeping one's mouth firmly shut if one can't think of something helpful or supportive to say. It almost appears that he is angry at you for the questionable test result.

I can't blame you for not wanting to upset your already stressed family at this point, but if more testing confirms that you, too, have breast cancer, I think it's important that you let them know -- especially your sisters, who might want to be screened sooner than later.

I hope your husband's apparent inability to support you emotionally during this difficult time is an aberration, but if it's not, you will need to find support elsewhere.

DEAR ABBY: About 15 years ago I committed a crime against a woman I cared about. I have felt guilt and remorse about it ever since. I can't speak to her or have any contact with her.

I would like to tell her I'm sorry for what happened. I have beaten myself up over this and thought about suicide. What do I do? Please help, Abby. -- SO SORRY IN ST. JOSEPH, MO.

DEAR SO SORRY: The first thing you must do is talk with a mental health professional about your suicidal thoughts. Once you have been stabilized, you should then understand that you may have been forbidden to contact your former friend because what you did was so traumatic that it could cause her to relive the incident, which could further victimize her. If you're looking for forgiveness, forgive yourself and move on -- but leave her out of it.

DEAR ABBY: Is there some sort of etiquette regarding inquiring about someone's country of origin?

While making polite conversation with a customer in my retail shop, I noticed she had an accent and asked where she was from. She became very evasive and seemed offended that I had asked. She actually refused to answer my question.

I tried to recover from the awkward situation, but I can't help but feel I insulted her somehow. Was I wrong to ask? -- FRIENDLY RETAILER IN KANSAS CITY

DEAR RETAILER: Perhaps. Some immigrants to this country feel the question you asked is a very personal one. There can be various reasons for it. The person may feel self-conscious about his or her accent, and you can't know the political situation in the person's country of origin or whether he or she has encountered bias because of where he or she came from.

DEAR ABBY: Last August my husband and I allowed our son's 17-year-old girlfriend, "Lindsay," to move into our home from out of state because she needs to live here for a year to establish residency for school. She's a wonderful girl, mature, social and helpful.

My problem is my other sons (ages 18 and 14) are very angry that we have allowed a "stranger" to move in. My 18-year-old is a college student who lives on campus an hour away, but comes home on weekends. He and his younger brother feel I show favoritism to Lindsay and make frequent comments about the non-family member. They worry that I'm spending money on her even though they know her mom sends her money.

I'll admit it has been nice to have a girl around. My boys sleep half the day away on weekends, but she gets up and is happy to run errands with me. I still include my sons in many activities without Lindsay, as I always have, and I did not anticipate this hostility. I feel bad for her because they make little attempt to hide it. My son loves his girlfriend, and I want her to feel comfortable and welcome without alienating my other sons. Help! -- MOM OF THREE SONS

DEAR MOM: You and your husband are the parents, which means you are supposed to be running this "asylum" -- not the inmates. The decision about who should or should not be a guest in your home is not up to your jealous older and younger boys, who appear to be suffering from a form of "sibling" rivalry.

As a guest in your home, Lindsay should be treated with respect, and it's not happening. You should insist upon it, and if your wishes are not complied with, there should be consequences.

DEAR ABBY: My husband of five years has three children from previous marriages. Earlier this year he learned some disturbing information about his youngest child. He opted not to share the information with me so as not to violate her privacy. I found out about it a few weeks ago, and I am deeply hurt that I was excluded.

I feel I have never been included as a true part of the family, and this is just another example. He feels his explanation justifies his actions and that should be the end of it. I am concerned that he will keep other things from me he feels are none of my business in the future. I am not at all comfortable with this situation. Do you think I am overreacting? -- STEPMONSTER IN THE SOUTH

DEAR STEPMONSTER: Yes, I do. Your husband decided not to discuss something with you that he felt would violate his daughter's privacy. Much as you might like to, you can't push your way into being accepted. If relationships are going to happen, they must evolve naturally. So calm down and stop personalizing this. It isn't a threat to your marriage unless you make it so.

DEAR ABBY: In this day and age, with computers and the ability to backspace, cut, paste and delete so easily, why do you still use a P.S.? Seems to me that P.S. needs to be used only with handwritten letters. -- CANDICE IN PHOENIX

DEAR CANDICE: Mmmm ... not so fast. The majority of my readers communicate with me via the Internet, as you did. They use P.S. to indicate that what they are saying is an afterthought and so do I in some of my responses.

DEAR ABBY: My best friend of 20 years, "Claire," has suffered bouts of depression ever since I have known her. She recently confided to me that her brother had repeatedly sexually abused her as a child.

When she went to her mother for help, her mother told her she needed to "thank God that it was happening because it would make her a stronger person." Her mother is dead now, but her father is still alive. I am furious at him for allowing the abuse to happen under his roof.

Abby, the family acts like it never happened! Claire invites her dad to events we plan together like birthdays. How do I attend knowing what I know? I don't want to sit across a table from him.

My husband is an abuse survivor and feels even more strongly than I do. It has made get-togethers miserable for us. Should we just smile and pretend we don't know because we can't fight my best friend's fight for her? How do we get over the anger? -- CONFUSED IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR CONFUSED: Years ago, someone explained to me that depression is anger turned inward. Your friend is enduring these bouts of depression because she was never allowed to express her anger where it belonged -- at her brother and her mother. Whether the mother ever told her husband what was going on, or whether it was the continuation of a long family tradition of sexual abuse, is something we don't know. But if you haven't suggested to Claire that she could benefit from counseling, you should.

As to you and your husband participating in these family gatherings, my advice is to stop doing it. Celebrate special occasions with your friend right before or after these occasions; many people have pre- or post-birthday get-togethers, and that's what I recommend in a case like this.

DEAR ABBY: I recently became involved with a longtime female friend of mine when she was in town. I have always loved "Miranda" as a friend, but now I also feel attracted to her as a potential perfect match.

The problem is she lives far away. We keep in touch almost daily. I love that, but it makes me miss her, and I end up thinking about her all day, which doesn't help. She says she has feelings for me, too, but "the timing isn't in our favor."

What can I do to go about my day without letting thoughts of Miranda rule my brain? I am 27 and haven't felt like this about anyone before. We'll see each other in a couple of months and the time couldn't be crawling by any slower.

Abby, are long-distance relationships even worth trying? -- ANXIOUS IN COLORADO

DEAR ANXIOUS: Of course they are. As the saying goes, "nothing ventured, nothing gained." Years ago, couples who were separated by distances courted via the mail. In fact, some of them wrote beautiful poetry and love letters that are classics. (Check out the letters of Victorian writers Elizabeth Barrett and Robert Browning.) Couples separated by war before the invention of the Internet also managed to nurture relationships that led to marriage.

So consider yourself lucky that you and Miranda can be in touch every day, even though at this point it's frustrating. As to the problem of her dominating your thoughts all day, a way to deal with it is to stay busy.