DEAR ABBY: I'm a dad in my 30s and I have a problem. I have been battling anger issues since I was a kid. I have been finding myself getting more and more worked up with my kids. When they misbehave, I lose it and yell at them. It is the way I was raised; however, I feel even worse afterward.

I really want to break this habit. I don't want the only memories my children have of me to be images of my red face and bugged-out eyes hollering at them. Do you have any guidelines I can follow to get a better handle on my anger? -- LOUD DAD IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR LOUD DAD: Yes, I do. And I'm glad you asked me because it's important that you find other ways of relieving your frustration than taking it out on your children. It is not only counterproductive, it is extremely destructive.

When a bigger person yells at a smaller person, the message is often lost because the smaller person (in your case, your children) simply shuts down out of fear that physical violence might follow.

You should not ignore your feelings when your children act up. Rather, you need to find another manner for expressing your emotions. My booklet "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It" offers suggestions on redirecting angry feelings in a healthy way. It can be ordered by sending your name and mailing address, plus a check or money order for $7 (U.S. funds), to Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price. Dealing with anger calmly and with reason is more effective than lashing out. Expressing your feelings is healthy when it's done with a few well-chosen words that make your point. As you have already learned, exploding in anger serves no constructive purpose and only makes you feel worse afterward.

Sometimes when people are angry or frustrated about other things, they can lose control of their temper. In situations like these, it is important to evaluate the source of what might really be irritating you before misdirecting your anger at someone who is blameless.

There are healthy ways of dealing with anger and frustration. Developing the control to express emotions verbally without being abusive or calling names is one of them. Another is to say a prayer ("Please Lord, don't let me lose my temper!") before opening your mouth. Leaving the room, going for a walk or short run can be helpful.

Unhealthy ways that should be avoided include getting into your car when you are angry, or using alcohol or drugs to calm you.

My booklet offers many other suggestions for dealing with anger and frustration, and I hope it will be helpful to you. However, if it isn't, then you should discuss your problem with a mental health professional. It's important to get a handle on your feelings so your children won't grow up thinking that verbal abuse is a normal way to handle their emotions.

DEAR ABBY: My family has been keeping a secret from my grandmother. I have a 17-month-old daughter that she doesn't know exists. I wanted to tell my grandma from the start about her great-granddaughter (her first), but I am afraid to. My family thinks that telling her will cause too much stress on her. No one in the family takes my feelings into consideration.

I think my grandmother should know she's a great-grandma. The problem is, I don't know how to tell her. She's 90 years old. I'm afraid if I say something now, it really might be too stressful for her. Also, I'm afraid that if I reveal this secret, it will start a family feud.

I want a relationship with my grandma like I used to have. I cry every time I talk to her on the phone because I have to lie to her about my day-to-day life and why I can't come to see her. I am really starting to resent my family. Please help. -- SECRET MOMMY IN NEVADA

DEAR SECRET MOMMY: Your grandmother wasn't born yesterday; she's 90. I'm sure that in her decades of living she has seen plenty of life.

While she will probably be shocked that she was kept in the dark this long, I agree she should know the truth. She should also know that you love her, which is why you are telling her the news. She may or may not want to see her great-grandchild, but the choice should be hers.

DEAR ABBY: I'm in my 70s, married for 50 years. I worked outside the home for many years and earned retirement benefits. There have been many ups and downs in my life, for me personally as well as for members of my family. Of course, there have been good times, too. I feel blessed.

All my life I have been the "go-to girl" for my family as a daughter, sister, wife, mother and aunt for help or advice. I love them, but I'm tired. How do I retire my "crown" -- which has been overwhelming at times -- without hurting or alienating anyone?

There seem to be so many problems and only one of me. Many times I have felt stretched too thin, but now my health and energy are no longer what they once were. I'm reasonably healthy, but I'm very tired.

I value my Judeo/Christian belief of "doing unto others." Am I being selfish? -- GO-TO GIRL IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR GO-TO GIRL: Your mind and body are trying to tell you something important. I hope you will pay attention before your health suffers because it could if you don't start drawing the line.

There is nothing selfish or wrong about saying: "I love you, but I can't help you. I can't because I'm at a point in my life where I can't handle stress like I used to." And if the person doesn't get it, you should repeat it.

DEAR ABBY: I have a dear friend who I have been friends with for years. However, there is one thing I can't stand about her. It's her vulgar language. Every sentence that comes out of her mouth includes the F-word. She's not a soft-spoken individual, so others can hear her. It embarrasses me and makes me not want to be around her in public.

How can I tell her she embarrasses me when she talks that way? -- SOFT-SPOKEN FRIEND

DEAR FRIEND: Tell her in exactly the way you told me. It is kind, helpful and the truth. And please don't feel bad about doing so because you'll be doing your friend a favor.

DEAR ABBY: You said in your Nov. 14 column on bullying that you hadn't received a single letter from anyone who had bullied others. Well, I was a bully.

As a young girl I'd tease and taunt, and when I was older I used sarcasm as a way to bully. I was involved in an abusive relationship in my 20s. With support and counseling, I was able to stop being abused and being abusive.

I learned the feelings I had repressed -- shame, fear and low self-worth from a childhood of sexual and physical abuse -- were misdirected at the people around me instead of at my abuser, my father, as they should have been. I'm not saying this is an excuse for the hurt I inflicted on others, but for me there was a correlation.

I'm now in a loving and supportive relationship. We have raised our children to be kind, thoughtful and confident individuals. I'm involved with an organization supporting nonprofit programs in our community that empower abused children, reach out to the sexually exploited and help women experiencing domestic violence.

Because of the life I lead now, I have been able to let go of the negativity and shame of being abused, but the shame of being abusive stays with me. I hope the people I hurt have forgiven me and have been able to move forward. But I will never know for sure.

Thank you for allowing me to share my story. Even if it doesn't get printed, writing it has lifted a little bit of the weight that I still carry from my bullying days. -- REDEEMING MYSELF OUT WEST

DEAR REDEEMING: Confession is good for the soul, and if getting this off your chest has been helpful, I'm glad. Obviously, you have grown since the days when you were an abuser, and your focus on helping vulnerable people in your community is laudable. I hope you will continue the work that you're doing because there is great need for it.

If your letter makes just one person stop and think twice about why he or she would deliberately hurt or diminish someone else, it will have been worth the space in my column because sometimes those scars can last a lifetime.

DEAR ABBY: I recently lost a niece. She had struggled with substance abuse and was away at college when she died. I believed in what a wonderful person she was and could be, and often sent her cards of encouragement.

When my sister and her husband went to retrieve her belongings, they mentioned that she had my cards around her room. I had hoped that her parents would give them to me, but three months later, they have not. Would it be wrong for me to ask for them? -- LOVING AUNT IN THE SOUTH

DEAR LOVING AUNT: Please accept my sympathy for your family's loss. The cards may not have been offered because your sister and her husband are experiencing the depths of grief. While it would not be "wrong" to ask if you can have them, don't be surprised if they refuse to let them go -- at least for the time being. Having the possessions their daughter surrounded herself with may be important to them right now as a way of feeling closer to her.