DEAR ABBY: My family has been keeping a secret from my grandmother. I have a 17-month-old daughter that she doesn't know exists. I wanted to tell my grandma from the start about her great-granddaughter (her first), but I am afraid to. My family thinks that telling her will cause too much stress on her. No one in the family takes my feelings into consideration.

I think my grandmother should know she's a great-grandma. The problem is, I don't know how to tell her. She's 90 years old. I'm afraid if I say something now, it really might be too stressful for her. Also, I'm afraid that if I reveal this secret, it will start a family feud.

I want a relationship with my grandma like I used to have. I cry every time I talk to her on the phone because I have to lie to her about my day-to-day life and why I can't come to see her. I am really starting to resent my family. Please help. -- SECRET MOMMY IN NEVADA

DEAR SECRET MOMMY: Your grandmother wasn't born yesterday; she's 90. I'm sure that in her decades of living she has seen plenty of life.

While she will probably be shocked that she was kept in the dark this long, I agree she should know the truth. She should also know that you love her, which is why you are telling her the news. She may or may not want to see her great-grandchild, but the choice should be hers.

DEAR ABBY: I'm in my 70s, married for 50 years. I worked outside the home for many years and earned retirement benefits. There have been many ups and downs in my life, for me personally as well as for members of my family. Of course, there have been good times, too. I feel blessed.

All my life I have been the "go-to girl" for my family as a daughter, sister, wife, mother and aunt for help or advice. I love them, but I'm tired. How do I retire my "crown" -- which has been overwhelming at times -- without hurting or alienating anyone?

There seem to be so many problems and only one of me. Many times I have felt stretched too thin, but now my health and energy are no longer what they once were. I'm reasonably healthy, but I'm very tired.

I value my Judeo/Christian belief of "doing unto others." Am I being selfish? -- GO-TO GIRL IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR GO-TO GIRL: Your mind and body are trying to tell you something important. I hope you will pay attention before your health suffers because it could if you don't start drawing the line.

There is nothing selfish or wrong about saying: "I love you, but I can't help you. I can't because I'm at a point in my life where I can't handle stress like I used to." And if the person doesn't get it, you should repeat it.

DEAR ABBY: I have a dear friend who I have been friends with for years. However, there is one thing I can't stand about her. It's her vulgar language. Every sentence that comes out of her mouth includes the F-word. She's not a soft-spoken individual, so others can hear her. It embarrasses me and makes me not want to be around her in public.

How can I tell her she embarrasses me when she talks that way? -- SOFT-SPOKEN FRIEND

DEAR FRIEND: Tell her in exactly the way you told me. It is kind, helpful and the truth. And please don't feel bad about doing so because you'll be doing your friend a favor.

DEAR ABBY: You said in your Nov. 14 column on bullying that you hadn't received a single letter from anyone who had bullied others. Well, I was a bully.

As a young girl I'd tease and taunt, and when I was older I used sarcasm as a way to bully. I was involved in an abusive relationship in my 20s. With support and counseling, I was able to stop being abused and being abusive.

I learned the feelings I had repressed -- shame, fear and low self-worth from a childhood of sexual and physical abuse -- were misdirected at the people around me instead of at my abuser, my father, as they should have been. I'm not saying this is an excuse for the hurt I inflicted on others, but for me there was a correlation.

I'm now in a loving and supportive relationship. We have raised our children to be kind, thoughtful and confident individuals. I'm involved with an organization supporting nonprofit programs in our community that empower abused children, reach out to the sexually exploited and help women experiencing domestic violence.

Because of the life I lead now, I have been able to let go of the negativity and shame of being abused, but the shame of being abusive stays with me. I hope the people I hurt have forgiven me and have been able to move forward. But I will never know for sure.

Thank you for allowing me to share my story. Even if it doesn't get printed, writing it has lifted a little bit of the weight that I still carry from my bullying days. -- REDEEMING MYSELF OUT WEST

DEAR REDEEMING: Confession is good for the soul, and if getting this off your chest has been helpful, I'm glad. Obviously, you have grown since the days when you were an abuser, and your focus on helping vulnerable people in your community is laudable. I hope you will continue the work that you're doing because there is great need for it.

If your letter makes just one person stop and think twice about why he or she would deliberately hurt or diminish someone else, it will have been worth the space in my column because sometimes those scars can last a lifetime.

DEAR ABBY: I recently lost a niece. She had struggled with substance abuse and was away at college when she died. I believed in what a wonderful person she was and could be, and often sent her cards of encouragement.

When my sister and her husband went to retrieve her belongings, they mentioned that she had my cards around her room. I had hoped that her parents would give them to me, but three months later, they have not. Would it be wrong for me to ask for them? -- LOVING AUNT IN THE SOUTH

DEAR LOVING AUNT: Please accept my sympathy for your family's loss. The cards may not have been offered because your sister and her husband are experiencing the depths of grief. While it would not be "wrong" to ask if you can have them, don't be surprised if they refuse to let them go -- at least for the time being. Having the possessions their daughter surrounded herself with may be important to them right now as a way of feeling closer to her.

DEAR ABBY: We rented a car while we were on vacation. Most of the newer cars have all kinds of high-tech equipment and devices -- different kinds for different models of vehicles. The problem is the instruction booklets that describe how the equipment operates are never provided with the cars.

It's dangerous to try and figure out how the equipment operates by trial and error while starting to drive an unfamiliar vehicle. Why don't the rental agencies provide the instruction manuals, or at least a pamphlet summarizing the procedures? Surely not many people would steal them, since they're just using the cars for a short time.

Also, it would be helpful if the rental agencies would include an inexpensive ice scraper with every car in appropriate areas of the country, so customers could clean their windshields and avoid the hazard of obstructed vision. -- CAR RENTER IN CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA.

DEAR CAR RENTER: What you're describing is also true with loaner cars that are offered when a vehicle is being serviced. I am pretty sure the reason those items are not provided is fear that they would be stolen.

However, I agree that knowing how to operate the radio, heating, air-conditioning and street map functions on the newer cars can be confusing -- which is why you should ask to have the pertinent pages of the manual photocopied so you can refer to them as needed. (The technologically inclined can Google the make of car and ask "How to turn on the radio," etc. because the information is available online.)

DEAR ABBY: My best friend died from the flu in November. She was only 63 and had been my friend for 23 years. She died because she was stubborn and insisted to all her friends -- myself included -- that she was "fine" and didn't need to see a doctor or go to the emergency room.

We had all threatened to come and drag her to the doctor or the ER or call 911, but because she insisted she was getting better, we took her word for it. Now we're kicking ourselves for not getting her the help she obviously needed.

Abby, please tell your readers that when a friend or family member is sick enough to cause this kind of concern, to ignore the person and get her (or him) to a doctor! I will miss my friend every day for the rest of my life because I can no longer call to say good morning. Her name was Abby, too, and she was the best friend I've ever had. -- DEVASTATED IN TARZANA, CALIF.

DEAR DEVASTATED: I'm sorry for the loss of your friend. But none of you should blame yourselves for what happened to her. She made an unwise choice.

It is not unusual for people who experience serious symptoms to go into a state of denial ("Let's wait," "It will pass," etc.). But unless your friend was experiencing extreme respiratory distress or an unusually high fever, she might have recovered from that virus without intervention.

P.S. I can't help but wonder if your friend got her flu vaccination last fall when they started being offered. While it's not 100 percent effective for everyone, it is effective in many people. I get one every year, and it's worth discussing with your doctor.

A THOUGHT FOR THE DAY, COURTESY OF BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: "He who falls in love with himself will have no rivals."