life

Childless Woman Is Losing Touch With Friends Who Have Kids

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 6th, 2014 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 28-year-old woman with a fantastic job, a wonderful boyfriend and many friends whom I love dearly. I'm the only one without a child.

Maybe I don't understand because I'm not a parent myself, but all my friends can talk about is children. Whereas before, we were interested in each other's lives, I feel like my concerns and accomplishments are being brushed off. An example: I was excited to meet up with a pal to talk about my promotion, but the hour-long dinner was spent mostly teaching her child how to walk between the tables of the restaurant.

I enjoy hearing about my friends and their families, but I feel they are no longer interested in me. Am I expecting too much because we're at different points in our lives, or am I a bad friend? I'm growing resentful, and I don't like it. Any words of wisdom? -- STILL RELEVANT IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR STILL RELEVANT: You and your friends are at different stages of life. When you were in your teens, you and your friends would talk about dating. Then, as you grew older, the conversations revolved around college, jobs and marriage. As people experience the later stages of life, they talk about other things that are going on in their lives -- children, grandkids, aging parents and, finally, their own health concerns.

You'll maintain and enjoy these friendships longer if you understand that. In the meantime, try to set some "adult time only" with your friends.

Friends & Neighbors
life

Former Felon Wants To Come Clean With His Matches

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 6th, 2014 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have been divorced for 14 years and have dated some, but not a lot. I recently signed up for an online dating service, and here is my dilemma: I have a felony conviction from 25-plus years ago. It did not involve violence, drugs, sex, stealing, etc. It was for a white-collar crime. I received four years of probation, which I served without a hitch.

My question is not if I should tell someone about my conviction, but when. If I say anything at our first meeting, I'm pretty sure it will also be the last meeting. At the same time, I don't want it to appear that I was hiding it from them.

I might add, this is the only time I have ever been in trouble with the law. I'd appreciate your advice on how to deal with this. -- ONLINE DATING IN TEXAS

DEAR DATING: The time to tell someone about your conviction is when the relationship stops being casual. At that point, you should disclose that there is a chapter from your past that you think the person should know about -- and it's one that will never be repeated.

Love & Dating
life

Dejected Wife Struggles To

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 6th, 2014 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: After 25 years, I have finally admitted to myself that I'm married to a workaholic, alcoholic womanizer. I have devoted my entire adult life, my time, effort and energy to my family. Now I feel used, abused and disrespected. I'm grateful to be a member of Al-Anon. It has helped me to understand that I cannot change anyone but me.

I have raised three great, successful grown kids. I have yet to make a decision for myself. I married for life. Must I continue to suffer in silence? Or do I hope that there is love, kindness and respect out there to be had? -- STALLING IN IOWA

DEAR STALLING: Let me remind you what you've already learned in Al-Anon: You cannot change anyone but yourself. The same is true of your circumstances.

You are entitled to receive the same love and respect that you offer to others. I cannot guarantee that you'll find love. Because your workaholic, alcoholic, womanizing husband hasn't changed in a quarter of a century, it's obvious he has no intention of doing so.

You don't need to find another man in order to be happier than you are now. Being alone could give you peace, contentment and happiness. The question you need to answer honestly for yourself is whether you would be happier without your husband's negative influence in your life.

Marriage & Divorce
life

Man's Suggestion Solves One Problem, but Creates Another

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 5th, 2014 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My wife of 37 years has an exciting career she loves. Unfortunately, her job is 80 miles away from home. We own a condo in her work city. So recently, when she was complaining about the commute, I suggested she stay there for a week, then telecommute from home for a week, etc. She loves the new schedule.

I, on the other hand, am kicking myself! I have recently started working again at 62, and I'm lonely. It's depressing to come home to an empty house every other week, but I'm the one who suggested it. Her job could last another two to five years.

We have five grandchildren who live close by, so moving to her location isn't an option. What do I do about this? -- MISSING HER IN FLORIDA

DEAR MISSING HER: You tell your wife that although you suggested she stay in the condo for a week at a time, it isn't working for you, and you're miserable without her. Or, you accept that a 160-mile daily commute may have become too much for her and fill your lonely hours by getting a hobby and baby-sitting some of those grandchildren whose parents might like some adult time together. But the one thing you shouldn't do is sit and silently brood because it isn't healthy.

Work & School
life

Ungrateful Niece Avoids Writing Thank-You Notes

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 5th, 2014 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My niece had a bridal shower last March. When thank-you notes didn't arrive for the gifts she had been given, she said they were "lost in the mail" and she would thank everyone in her wedding thank-yous. Abby, she was married last May and she hasn't sent out thank-you notes for her wedding gifts, either.

The gifts my parents and I gave her were expensive, and I am upset about it. By the way, she wasn't too busy to write them because she doesn't work. Should I confront her or let it go? -- DISGUSTED IN MIDDLEBURG HEIGHTS, OHIO

DEAR DISGUSTED: Your sibling did a poor job of raising her daughter. If your niece didn't know that thank-you notes were supposed to have been sent for her shower gifts, she wouldn't have lied about them having been lost in the mail.

However, I see nothing to be gained by confronting her. If you do, it will cause your sibling to become defensive. Better to make note of it and respond accordingly when the baby shower invitations start coming in because that's what is sure to come next.

Etiquette & Ethics
life

Young Bride Must Stand Firm With Unsupportive Family

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 5th, 2014 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I'm 19 and recently engaged. My parents refuse to acknowledge my ring or discuss my wedding plans. I have brought up the idea of moving to where my fiance is, but they think it's a horrible idea because they'll miss me. My grandfather has been trying to guilt-trip me into staying by saying things like, "We would miss you. But you don't care about that or us at all!"

It's not true, Abby. How do I keep my family informed about my wedding plans and move within the next three months without them feeling hurt? -- DETERMINED IN TEXAS

DEAR DETERMINED: Tell your parents and grandparents that you love them, but you're an adult and need to go where your fiance is. Tell them you and your fiance would love to have them present when you take your vows, and hope they will be emotionally supportive. Be sure to calmly explain that your decision has nothing to do with not caring about them; it's about building a future with the man you love. They may miss you, but in time they'll adjust.

Family & Parenting
life

Man Is Turned Off by Gal Pal's Resemblance to Mom

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 4th, 2014 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I met a guy I think is perfect for me on a dating website. We have gone on several dates and they have been great. He respects my morals and even has some of his own, which isn't easy to find.

The problem: He says I am exactly what he has been looking for except for one thing. I look like his mother. He says he really likes me and would like to keep dating to see if he can get past this issue. I like him very much. Is there something I can do, short of plastic surgery? -- DEAD RINGER IN ARIZONA

DEAR DEAD RINGER: Before changing anything, you need to explore more closely what he's saying. Ask to meet his mother, then judge for yourself how strong the resemblance is. It's possible the similarity is less physical and more about your personality or mannerisms.

You should not alter your image to please anyone but yourself. Keep in mind that many men do marry women who resemble their mothers in some way -- whether it's conscious or not -- and the marriages are often successful.

Love & Dating
life

Man's Drinking Turns Into Angry Abuse Teen Longs To Escape

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 4th, 2014 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My parents divorced many years ago, and ever since, I have lived with my mother and visit Dad on his days off from work. Mom cheated on Dad, and the man she cheated with lives with us.

I don't have a good relationship with her boyfriend. We don't have much in common, and when he drinks, he gets angry for no reason and takes it out on me or Mom, and it puts the whole household in an awkward position, sometimes lasting for days. When he's sober, he can be fun to be around.

I have talked with my mom about this. She promises she'll talk to him and things are going to change, but they never do. She doesn't want to break up with him because she can't afford to pay the mortgage on her own. I have thought about moving in with my dad, but I don't want to upset her. What do I do? -- WANTS TO MOVE IN WITH DAD

DEAR WANTS: Your mother hasn't asserted herself with her boyfriend because she's financially dependent on him. She's afraid if she insists he do something about his drinking, he will leave her.

The affair and the boyfriend were her choice, not yours. If you want to move in with your father to avoid being around a verbally abusive drunk -- and your father is willing -- that's what you should do. You should not have to tolerate abuse in order not to "upset" your mother. It's OK to take care of yourself.

TeensMoneyAbuseAddictionFamily & ParentingMarriage & Divorce
life

Re-Entering Dating Pool After 13 Years Is Scary Proposition

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 4th, 2014 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 32-year-old woman. My boyfriend of 11 years passed away almost three years ago. I loved him very much and miss him every day. Some well-meaning friends and family members have suggested a dating site.

Abby, when does someone know if it's time to move on? I haven't been on a date in 13 years. I'm scared of putting myself out there again and getting hurt. Any advice would be great. -- SCARED IN OREGON

DEAR SCARED: If the only reason you haven't reached out before is fear of rejection, then it's time to move on. Ask your friends and family to help you write a profile, and then consider what happens next as an "adventure."

While there are no guarantees you'll immediately find a relationship like the one you had, you might find someone who is compatible. And if you don't, you could still make some friends. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

DeathLove & Dating

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