DEAR ABBY: I am a 15-year-old girl and a caring person. I'm worried about my mother. She has been an addict for nine years. She always says she wants help, but she never follows through with getting the help she needs. I have asked her many times to go and get help, and have told her how bad her using makes me feel.

What do you think I can do to encourage her to follow through with treatment? I miss my mother. Any advice would be appreciated. -- IN NEED OF HELP IN OLYMPIA, WASH.

DEAR IN NEED OF HELP: You are not only a caring young woman, you are also mature for your age and intelligent. If your mother has been an addict since you were 6, your entire childhood has been spent taking care of her and raising yourself. I am truly sorry for that.

Because nothing you say gets through to her, consider moving in with another relative if that's possible. You should also join a Narateen support group. It's a 12-step program for teenage friends and family members of addicts. There is one in your city called "Hope for Today." To find the location, check the Nar-Anon website, www.nar-anon.org.

DEAR ABBY: I am a grandmother, a former teacher and I have my master's in child psychology. I was also a school board member. I love children.

Please pass this along to parents and anyone else who cares for children: Quit force-feeding them! Again and again I see parents beg and coerce their kids to eat. There are too many obese people in the world. Kids will eat when they are hungry. Just don't give them any junk in between.

I know a dad who told me he forced his son to finish his food until the son went and threw up. He said he will never do that again. Remember, children have small stomachs. They don't need to eat much to feel full. Restaurants serve too much.

Let kids eat when they need to. Just give them healthy choices. -- DIANE IN MILWAUKEE

DEAR DIANE: Unfortunately, babies don't come with written instructions. Many parents "encourage" their children to eat because they're afraid if they don't they're not doing their job. It's a reflection of their anxiety. Too often, mealtime turns into a power struggle, which is a big mistake.

What you have written is common sense. A pediatrician or health clinic can advise parents what and how much their child should eat. And I agree, restaurant portions are usually larger than customers should consume in one meal, which is why those who are watching their calories are advised to cut the portions in half before eating.

DEAR ABBY: I am a grown woman with a wonderful husband, two jobs and five beautiful children. I am a good person. My parents raised me to be respectful and accepting of all kinds of people.

My arms are partially tattooed with beautiful flowers. Family members openly express their dislike of it. They have a right to their thoughts and to say what they please. What can I say back that tells them how rude they are and how they hurt me? -- INKED AND IRKED IN POCATELLO, IDAHO

DEAR INKED AND IRKED: You should say, "When you gave your opinion about my arms, I heard you the first time. For you to keep repeating it is insulting and hurtful, so please cut it out. I think my tattoos are beautiful and that's what's important." And if your family members persist in making cruel comments, you have my permission to end the conversation.

DEAR ABBY: My sister faced various life-threatening illnesses. She always said, "Never put off telling the people you love how you feel about them because you might not have a tomorrow." She practiced what she preached, and we all knew that she loved us. When she passed away eight years ago, it was a painful loss, especially for our mother.

Last week Mom finally succeeded in talking Dad into opening a stuck drawer in a cabinet. Inside she found a letter from my sister that had been put away and forgotten years ago. In the letter my sister wrote how blessed she felt she was to have a mother like ours, how all the sacrifices Mom made for her had been appreciated and how much she loved her.

That long-forgotten letter is now my mother's most prized possession. Please remind your readers not to take tomorrow for granted, and to tell those they love how they feel today. -- JULIE'S SISTER IN LOUISVILLE, KY.

DEAR SISTER: The loving message your sister wrote has conveyed her feelings from beyond the grave, and it is understandable that it is even more meaningful now than when it was written. I'm glad to remind readers to verbalize their affection for each other. But the written word is something that can be savored over and over.

DEAR ABBY: My brother mocks everything I do, the friends I spend time with and my politics. When we're together, he is often condescending and confrontational. I'm tired of arguing when I go to his home and he asks me what's going on. I have started to answer, "Nothing." So now he tells me how "boring" I am, in addition to his other criticisms.

Abby, his comments are hurtful and I try to stay away from him, but I love my little nieces and want to be around them as they grow up. I don't have problems with anyone but him. Our other brother stopped talking to him years ago, but I don't think I can do anything that extreme.

How can I change the dynamic in our relationship? It doesn't seem to have progressed since we were kids. -- UNDER ATTACK IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR UNDER ATTACK: The dynamic in your relationship hasn't changed since you were kids because your brother never stopped being a bully. He calls you boring when you don't take the bait because he considers belittling you to be a form of entertainment. You can't change him. If you point out what he's doing, he will deny it and blame you for being "too sensitive."

You can, however, understand his childish motivation. Ignore him as much as possible and focus your attention on your nieces since that's your only reason for going over there anyway.

DEAR ABBY: My brother mocks everything I do, the friends I spend time with and my politics. When we're together, he is often condescending and confrontational. I'm tired of arguing when I go to his home and he asks me what's going on. I have started to answer, "Nothing." So now he tells me how "boring" I am, in addition to his other criticisms.

Abby, his comments are hurtful and I try to stay away from him, but I love my little nieces and want to be around them as they grow up. I don't have problems with anyone but him. Our other brother stopped talking to him years ago, but I don't think I can do anything that extreme.

How can I change the dynamic in our relationship? It doesn't seem to have progressed since we were kids. -- UNDER ATTACK IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR UNDER ATTACK: The dynamic in your relationship hasn't changed since you were kids because your brother never stopped being a bully. He calls you boring when you don't take the bait because he considers belittling you to be a form of entertainment. You can't change him. If you point out what he's doing, he will deny it and blame you for being "too sensitive."

You can, however, understand his childish motivation. Ignore him as much as possible and focus your attention on your nieces since that's your only reason for going over there anyway.

DEAR ABBY: I have been with my partner for six years. She is 14 years older than I am. We get along great and have a wonderful relationship.

"Marsha" and I live in a small Southern city. She is well-known and politically active. While everyone knows she is gay, they rarely realize I'm her partner because I look much younger. We are often approached with, "Oh, is this your daughter?"

How are we supposed to respond? Marsha and I work in the same place, so it happens there, too. It's awkward. Any ideas? -- AIN'T MY MAMA

DEAR AIN'T: Because Marsha is a public person and it's no secret she's gay, when the two of you are asked if you are mother and daughter, Marsha should reply, "No, she is my partner." (And ask them to spread the word.)

DEAR ABBY: I have some advice for "Lacking Why," the girl in your Oct. 18 column who is wondering why the amount of allowance money Grandpa gives her and her sisters varies from one girl to the other: Stop comparing the amounts and try focusing on how attentive each of you is to your grandfather.

Do you all visit him with the same frequency? Do you all write thank-you notes for his generosity? Do you all phone him the same number of times each week? Do you all remember his birthday with a nice card or small gift? Do you take turns baking him a birthday cake?

I suspect, as with my grandchildren, there are wide disparities in the way these sisters treat Grandpa. Why would a person who ignores him expect the same generosity as one who showers him with love and affection? I have two grown grandkids who treat me differently and, son of a gun, I respond in kind. -- CONNECTICUT GRANDMA

DEAR GRANDMA: Your explanation is one I received from other readers as well. That letter resonated with a large number of people, and what follows is a sampling of their responses:

DEAR ABBY: Financially speaking, I'll bet there's a good reason for the disparity in the amounts "Lacking" and her sisters receive. If Grandpa intends that each granddaughter receive the same sum of money by age 18, and he started giving the money to each of them at the same time, he would have to give them different amounts. This concept would be hard to explain to a child, which may be why the girls were never sure about the "why." -- NUMBERS GUY IN SAN MATEO, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: My father did the same thing. Each year I received more money from my dad than my brothers did. Eventually I asked him why, and it turned out he felt that over the years he had helped them more in other ways. They had lived at home longer than I had, and Dad had paid for their educations while I'd had a scholarship.

In his mind, he was trying to even things out. Funny thing was, it didn't matter to me. But I never told my brothers. -- SOLVED THE PUZZLE IN DENVER

DEAR ABBY: The mother of those girls should be the one to broach the subject with her father. She can soften the response to her daughters and point out to her father the possible harm he may be causing within the family. But in the end, if Grandpa doesn't budge, they'll all have to learn to live with it. -- KEN IN SARASOTA, FLA.

DEAR ABBY: I would recommend that they first discuss among themselves the differences in their own circumstances and their relationship with their grandparent. It might be that those in need, those who invest wisely or those who respond kindly receive more.

I help my kids and grandkids based on what their needs are and how they spend the money. It is not a matter of favoritism. And being thanked once in a while doesn't hurt, either. -- PATRICIA IN TEMPE, ARIZ.

DEAR ABBY: "Lacking" and her siblings should not approach Grandpa. It could backfire and end the gift-giving forever. Instead, if all the sisters agree they are being unfairly treated, they should consider pooling the gifts together and dividing the total amount equally among themselves. This would be a mature solution that needn't be shared with their grandfather. -- WISE OUT WEST