life

Commitment to Relationship Ends at Computer Keyboard

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 23rd, 2013 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am a woman in an exclusive, committed relationship with "Vince." We have talked about a future together and getting married. My only issue is I can't seem to keep him off of dating sites. Even when I catch Vince red-handed, he'll deny it or blame it on his friend "using his ID."

I have asked him over and over to delete the sites, but he won't. He continues to tell me he's in love with me and wants only me. He says I'm the woman of his dreams. If that's true, there should be no need for him to look anymore, right?

Please help me understand his obsession, and if there are any tools I can use to be more effective to talk to Vince about this. -- FUMING IN FLORIDA

DEAR FUMING: Your communication tools are just fine. Your ability to recognize when someone is stringing you along is what needs improvement.

You may feel you are in a committed relationship, but Vince appears to be less committed than you are. Worse, he also has a problem telling the truth. If Vince wanted only you and was ready to settle down, he wouldn't compulsively look online to see who else is available.

Love & Dating
life

Being There For Grown Children As They Grieve

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 23rd, 2013 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I'm conflicted about my role in supporting my children through the death of my ex-wife. We divorced 25 years ago. There was no significant other in her life. I would like to support them emotionally, but I feel the burial, funeral, etc., are matters for their family and her relatives.

My question is, am I right? And how soon should I go and be with my children? We have been in close touch, and I believe they know that I care and I'm here for them. They live across the country, so the distance and cost of transportation are concerns. -- CONFLICTED IN TEXAS

DEAR CONFLICTED: I'm sure no one expects you to contribute financially to the funeral of someone from whom you have been divorced for a quarter of a century. However, you should ask your adult children if they would like you to attend for emotional support. Because they are all grown and presumably busy with their lives, if your presence isn't needed at the funeral, you could schedule a family reunion at a time when it's convenient for all of you.

DeathFamily & ParentingMarriage & Divorce
life

Friend's Fact-Checking Has Become An Annoyance

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 23rd, 2013 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: What do I do about a friend who often interrupts a conversation to check his phone and look up the topic on the Internet? He then adds to -- or corrects -- the discussion we are having. It's starting to ruin the friendship. Any advice? -- OVERCORRECTED IN TEXAS

DEAR OVERCORRECTED: Whether someone doing this is offensive or not depends upon the spirit in which it's being done. Your friend may not be certain that what he -- or you -- is saying is correct and he wants to verify it. Often when people check information online, they find more information on the subject. Your friend may be doing it in the spirit of helpfulness. My husband and I do this with each other often, and neither of us is offended.

Friends & NeighborsEtiquette & Ethics
life

Distraught Daughter Won't Let Longtime Couple Tie the Knot

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 22nd, 2013 | Letter 1 of 4

DEAR ABBY: I'm 50 and my boyfriend, "Ray," is 55. We have been together for 11 years. He's divorced with two children. I am single and childless. We owned our own homes until a year ago, when we sold them and bought a house together. We each pay half the bills including the mortgage. We love each other, get along great, have similar values and can't imagine not being together.

My problem is I want to get married. Ray does, too, but his 20-year-old daughter isn't ready for it yet. She and I get along fine, but she gets very stressed and cries when the topic is mentioned. I told Ray I think she has learned from her childhood that crying enables her to get her way. But Ray insists she has anxiety issues, and he's afraid she will hurt herself if we get married. I say we should just do it and hope that, eventually, she accepts it.

Counseling is out of the question for her. She won't go. Ray and I did go for advice about this. The counselor agreed that his daughter needs counseling, but we can't "make" her go. My question is, is Ray ever going to marry me? Any suggestions on what we should do? -- CONFUSED IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR CONFUSED: If Ray waits for his daughter's blessing, it may take another 11 years for her to give it -- if she ever does. You and Ray should get more counseling to help him find the strength to stop allowing his troubled daughter to rule his life.

Family & ParentingLove & DatingMarriage & DivorceMental Health
life

Greedy Husband Eats Everything In Sight

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 22nd, 2013 | Letter 2 of 4

DEAR ABBY: My hog-mouth husband and I are having an ongoing disagreement about food. When there is special food in the house, something we both like, he feels free to eat as much of it as he wants without leaving any for me. His argument is that if it's around for several days -- even if it's frozen -- I have had "plenty of time to get my share." I feel it shouldn't be up to him to tell me how much to eat, and when.

He weighs almost twice as much as I do, and eats accordingly. It's particularly upsetting if I have invested hours in the preparation of a dish, only to find it's gone when I want my second helping. I think he is being inconsiderate at best. Am I wrong? -- WHERE'S MY BEEF?!

DEAR "WHERE'S": I don't think so. Your husband is behaving like a selfish child. If you have been cooking in large quantities, try preparing only enough for two portions for a while -- a long while.

Etiquette & EthicsMarriage & Divorce
life

Daughter Cannot Be Forced To Forget Deceased Mother

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 22nd, 2013 | Letter 3 of 4

DEAR ABBY: My 30-year-old niece passed away, leaving a 7-year-old daughter. Her grieving husband found a married woman two months later. She divorced her second husband, and now all three of them are living together.

Abby, the little girl is not allowed to tell anyone that her mommy died and has to tell all her friends that her father's new girlfriend is her mom. Is it right to keep her from talking about her mommy? -- MARIA FROM TEXAS

DEAR MARIA: Of course not! While the father and his girlfriend might wish to erase the child's mother from her memory, she is old enough to always remember not only that her mother died, but also that her father and this woman want to bury the fact that she ever existed. That child needs to talk about her mother, and to forbid it will cause problems when she is older. Count on it.

DeathMarriage & DivorceFamily & ParentingAbuseMental Health
life

English Speaker Feels Left Out Of Co-Workers' Conversation

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 22nd, 2013 | Letter 4 of 4

DEAR ABBY: I work with several women who are Hispanic. They are all very nice and I love working with them. The problem is when they are together they speak Spanish. I do not understand a word they say, so I am left out of the conversation. How can I let them know how rude I think this is? -- LEFT OUT IN TEXAS

DEAR LEFT OUT: Say it in English, and if they are as nice as you say they are, they will make an effort to include you.

Etiquette & EthicsWork & SchoolFriends & Neighbors
life

Sister Immersed in Virtual World Blocks Out the Real

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 21st, 2013 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My younger sister "Lainie" is 14. She has had a smartphone for about a year. While I don't belong to any social media sites, Lainie is a social media junkie. She never goes anywhere without her phone. Sometimes she'll have her phone in one hand and her tablet in the other, taking turns when one or the other begins to bore her. It's almost impossible to interact with her because her face is buried in the virtual world just about every hour of the day and night.

I miss the way things used to be before she got that smartphone. I have talked about this with my parents. While they are equally concerned about Lainie's withdrawn, sometimes secretive behavior, they never do anything about it. What are your thoughts on this topic? -- GADGET GIRL'S SISTER IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR SISTER: It's common for teens to spend a lot of time on their phones and computers. But when they become withdrawn and secretive, it is time for a parental intervention. If your folks are equally concerned about your sister's behavior, they should step in, find out what's going on and do something about it, if necessary. If they don't already, they could start by scheduling family dinners during which cellphones are turned off or put away.

TeensEtiquette & Ethics
life

Daughter's Suicide Casts Pall Over Christmas

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 21st, 2013 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: Christmas is nearly here, and I'm concerned about my brother. I'm afraid he blames himself for his 28-year-old daughter's suicide, which was by no means his fault. This will be his first Christmas without her. I don't know what to do for him. Any suggestions? -- CHALLENGED IN MICHIGAN

DEAR CHALLENGED: When a close family member commits suicide, it is common for survivors to experience a range of emotions. Anger and guilt are two of them. If possible, encourage your brother to spend Christmas with you or other relatives. You should also suggest he join a survivors support group.

The American Association of Suicidology provides referrals to local self-help groups for survivors of suicide. Its website is www.suicidology.org. If he joins one, it will give him a place to talk about his feelings with people who will understand because they have them, too.

Holidays & CelebrationsMental HealthFamily & Parenting
life

Love Lost To Drugs Still Weighs On Man's Heart

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 21st, 2013 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: A long time ago, I was dating and living with a wonderful woman. I was arrested and went to jail for possession of cocaine. She then had an order of protection issued against me for one year.

That was 10 years ago. I have been clean from drugs ever since. She has a child with another man now, and I hope everything is great. My problem is, I can't get her out of my mind. I miss her so much and just want the chance to be with her. Any advice? -- HEARTBROKEN IN NEW YORK

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: Your former girlfriend has gone on with her life, and your relationship is ancient history. If she had been willing to forgive you, she wouldn't have taken out the restraining order. If you want to be successful in moving forward in your life, stop looking backward. It's time to focus on your future.

Love & DatingAddiction

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