DEAR ABBY: A couple of years ago, my husband informed me that he likes to dress in women's clothing. Since then he has read books, is seeing a counselor, and the reality is, he is transgender. He now wears his hair long and has long fingernails.

I have tried to be understanding and have gone places with him when he is dressed as a woman. He has met other transgender people who have either made the full transition or are content without it. I allow my husband time with these new friends without me. I did feel weird that he was clothes shopping and going to movies with his new friends.

I have reconciled with these activities and I'm OK with them so far. But I have told him that if he decides to change his gender to female, I will not be able to be married to him. He's on hormones at the moment and has told me he plans to start testosterone blockers.

I love him, Abby, but not the woman side of him. Am I unreasonable to put a boundary on my marriage? He thinks if he slowly eases me into the idea that it will be OK. He says I am his "world" and I should love him no matter what gender he is. Am I being selfish? -- SOMEWHERE IN THE NORTHWEST

DEAR SOMEWHERE: You appear to be a loving and accepting wife. You may be your husband's world, but his world is changing -- and along with it, so is yours. It is not selfish to take care of yourself. You did not enter your marriage to be partnered with another woman, and you should not be made to feel guilty remaining with one if it's not what you want. Some spouses stay together; others just can't.

If you haven't heard of the Straight Spouse Network, it is a confidential support network of current or former heterosexual spouses or partners of gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender mates. It was founded in 1991, and its mission is to help straight spouses or partners cope with coming-out issues, and help mixed-orientation couples and their children build bridges of understanding. To learn more about it and find a support group near you, visit www.straightspouse.org.

DEAR ABBY: I have always had an extremely close relationship with my little sister. Last year, I graduated from high school and left for university. It was hard for both of us. My college is an hour away from where my family lives, so even though I live on campus, I try to come home whenever I can to visit on weekends.

Lately it seems like my little sister has emotionally distanced herself from me. She doesn't confide in me anymore, shows little interest in my life, and it has gotten to the point where she barely acknowledges me in public. I have tried talking to her about it and telling her how much it hurts me, but she tells me I'm overreacting and to stop being stupid.

My mom says she does this with everyone and that this is typical for a 14-year-old teenager, but it breaks my heart to be so excluded from her life. Is this just a phase I have to learn to deal with and accept? What should I do? -- SAD BIG SISTER IN SWITZERLAND

DEAR BIG SISTER: Your sister is growing up, and part of that process means becoming an individual. Right now she is trying to figure out who she is, apart from the family she loves -- including you. I'm sure she isn't intentionally trying to hurt your feelings. Because you were so close, she may have felt abandoned when you left for college. Your mother is right about this. Let your sister evolve. She'll be back. Accept it for now.

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law sent my 7-year-old son a gift and a card for his birthday. They arrived about a week early. A few days before his birthday, she called and asked if he had received them. He said he had, but before he could explain that he hadn't opened them, she started talking about the gift inside, revealing the surprise.

I have now "heard" she's upset with me and my son for this awkward moment. She says that from now on she would like a phone call when her cards or gifts arrive, so she can "hear his enjoyment over the phone even if they arrive early." I don't think my son did anything wrong.

When a gift arrives in advance of an occasion, must it be opened immediately? Or can it wait for the actual birthday or Christmas? Sometimes he likes to open one present at a time, write a thank-you note, then open the next, stretching out his gift-opening over a few days. Is this a social no-no? -- WONDERING IN WASHINGTON

DEAR WONDERING: Gifts are usually opened the day of the occasion. When the occasion is a birthday, the usual expectation is that the presents will be opened at the party. At that time a verbal thank-you is offered. A thank-you note should be written a very short time later.

Your mother-in-law may have called for reassurance that her gift had arrived. She should not have revealed what it was. You did nothing wrong. The mistake was hers.

DEAR ABBY: My good friend "Derek" is in his 30s and just started his first serious relationship. He told me after a week together that she was "the One" and that he loved her. I told him I was happy for him and suggested he take things slow so they could really get to know each other.

I had a party two nights ago where he introduced his new girlfriend. They spent most of the time making out like teenagers in front of everyone. Some guests were so uncomfortable they left early.

I haven't seen Derek since, and I'm worried not only that he's moving too fast to make up for lost time, but that he's doing it with someone who also is oblivious to how socially unacceptable their behavior was. I'm not sure how to express my concerns to my friend without hurting him. -- CONCERNED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CONCERNED: It would not be rude or hurtful for you to mention to Derek that you think the girl is "great" -- but the show they put on at your party made some of your other guests so uncomfortable they left early. Let's hope the "hint" is sufficient.

DEAR ABBY: My 10-year-old daughter told a friend she would go to a concert with her a few months ago. Since then, my daughter decided to end the friendship because the girl was clingy, dramatic and controlling.

Do I insist my daughter go to the concert as she said she would, or let her off the hook? The friend seems to be hoping she will go so they can renew the friendship, but my daughter has no plans to do it. Please help! -- MANAGING DISCORD IN MINNESOTA

DEAR MOM: If the girl is expecting your daughter to go to the concert with her, your daughter should tell her she does not plan to attend so the girl can invite someone else. Do not insist that your daughter associate with anyone who makes her feel uncomfortable. Her reason for pulling back from that relationship showed good judgment.

DEAR ABBY: Christmas is coming, and I dread it. I have only my brother, his wife and their kids. I'm on Social Security disability and I barely make it each month. They buy me gifts, but I feel embarrassed to accept them because I can't buy anything for them. It makes me feel small.

Even though I have nothing to offer my nieces, my brother and sister-in-law persuade me to go anyway. They are financially much better off than I am.

I lost my wife a year ago. I see everyone else having someone in their lives and I feel alone. There's just me and my dog now. The holidays hurt. What can I do? -- MISERABLE IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR MISERABLE: You have something to give to your relatives. It's the gift of your presence. If you have a talent, share it with them.

Because this is your first Christmas without your wife, it's no wonder you feel alone. At this time of year, many people do. A way to lessen the sense of isolation would be to do something for someone else. If you're able, volunteer at a food bank, a homeless shelter, a senior center. It will give you less time to brood, and you will feel welcome and needed.

DEAR ABBY: I recently went on a first (and last) date with a "gentleman." He ordered himself a beer and a prime rib dinner. He never asked me if I wanted anything to eat or drink.

As flabbergasted as I was, I have a theory: Men today are different from those of the past, and my guess it's because the pierced and tattooed gals today speak and act like sailors, therefore ruining it for the rest of us. Am I right? -- PUZZLED IN FLORIDA

DEAR PUZZLED: No. You need to speak up! The rules of dating have changed over the last decades. Many women expect -- and prefer -- to pay for their own meal and drinks on a first date. It has nothing to do with whether they are tattooed or use four-letter words. They like their independence, and sometimes earn more than their dates do.

DEAR ABBY: After 25 years of marriage, my wife no longer wants to shave her legs. She is starting to look like a gorilla. I think it's a slap in the face. She says it has nothing to do with me. I don't know if I should move to another zoo or buy her some bananas. -- PEEVED IN POUGHKEEPSIE

DEAR PEEVED: This may be your wife's way of rebelling, just as some retired men forgo shaving because they no longer "have" to. Or, the winters in Poughkeepsie may be so cold she feels she needs the insulation. Stay in the zoo you're used to -- after all, it's home. (If it's causing problems in your marital relations, close your eyes and pretend it's cashmere.)

DEAR ABBY: Would it be a breach of etiquette to enclose a self-addressed, stamped (blank) thank-you note with gifts I plan to send to my grandchildren, since they do not respond when I mail them gifts or cards? -- GRANDMA IN MARSHFIELD, MO.

DEAR GRANDMA: I think it's a great idea as a last resort -- and no, it would not be a breach of etiquette to do so.