DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law sent my 7-year-old son a gift and a card for his birthday. They arrived about a week early. A few days before his birthday, she called and asked if he had received them. He said he had, but before he could explain that he hadn't opened them, she started talking about the gift inside, revealing the surprise.

I have now "heard" she's upset with me and my son for this awkward moment. She says that from now on she would like a phone call when her cards or gifts arrive, so she can "hear his enjoyment over the phone even if they arrive early." I don't think my son did anything wrong.

When a gift arrives in advance of an occasion, must it be opened immediately? Or can it wait for the actual birthday or Christmas? Sometimes he likes to open one present at a time, write a thank-you note, then open the next, stretching out his gift-opening over a few days. Is this a social no-no? -- WONDERING IN WASHINGTON

DEAR WONDERING: Gifts are usually opened the day of the occasion. When the occasion is a birthday, the usual expectation is that the presents will be opened at the party. At that time a verbal thank-you is offered. A thank-you note should be written a very short time later.

Your mother-in-law may have called for reassurance that her gift had arrived. She should not have revealed what it was. You did nothing wrong. The mistake was hers.

DEAR ABBY: My good friend "Derek" is in his 30s and just started his first serious relationship. He told me after a week together that she was "the One" and that he loved her. I told him I was happy for him and suggested he take things slow so they could really get to know each other.

I had a party two nights ago where he introduced his new girlfriend. They spent most of the time making out like teenagers in front of everyone. Some guests were so uncomfortable they left early.

I haven't seen Derek since, and I'm worried not only that he's moving too fast to make up for lost time, but that he's doing it with someone who also is oblivious to how socially unacceptable their behavior was. I'm not sure how to express my concerns to my friend without hurting him. -- CONCERNED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CONCERNED: It would not be rude or hurtful for you to mention to Derek that you think the girl is "great" -- but the show they put on at your party made some of your other guests so uncomfortable they left early. Let's hope the "hint" is sufficient.

DEAR ABBY: My 10-year-old daughter told a friend she would go to a concert with her a few months ago. Since then, my daughter decided to end the friendship because the girl was clingy, dramatic and controlling.

Do I insist my daughter go to the concert as she said she would, or let her off the hook? The friend seems to be hoping she will go so they can renew the friendship, but my daughter has no plans to do it. Please help! -- MANAGING DISCORD IN MINNESOTA

DEAR MOM: If the girl is expecting your daughter to go to the concert with her, your daughter should tell her she does not plan to attend so the girl can invite someone else. Do not insist that your daughter associate with anyone who makes her feel uncomfortable. Her reason for pulling back from that relationship showed good judgment.

DEAR ABBY: Christmas is coming, and I dread it. I have only my brother, his wife and their kids. I'm on Social Security disability and I barely make it each month. They buy me gifts, but I feel embarrassed to accept them because I can't buy anything for them. It makes me feel small.

Even though I have nothing to offer my nieces, my brother and sister-in-law persuade me to go anyway. They are financially much better off than I am.

I lost my wife a year ago. I see everyone else having someone in their lives and I feel alone. There's just me and my dog now. The holidays hurt. What can I do? -- MISERABLE IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR MISERABLE: You have something to give to your relatives. It's the gift of your presence. If you have a talent, share it with them.

Because this is your first Christmas without your wife, it's no wonder you feel alone. At this time of year, many people do. A way to lessen the sense of isolation would be to do something for someone else. If you're able, volunteer at a food bank, a homeless shelter, a senior center. It will give you less time to brood, and you will feel welcome and needed.

DEAR ABBY: I recently went on a first (and last) date with a "gentleman." He ordered himself a beer and a prime rib dinner. He never asked me if I wanted anything to eat or drink.

As flabbergasted as I was, I have a theory: Men today are different from those of the past, and my guess it's because the pierced and tattooed gals today speak and act like sailors, therefore ruining it for the rest of us. Am I right? -- PUZZLED IN FLORIDA

DEAR PUZZLED: No. You need to speak up! The rules of dating have changed over the last decades. Many women expect -- and prefer -- to pay for their own meal and drinks on a first date. It has nothing to do with whether they are tattooed or use four-letter words. They like their independence, and sometimes earn more than their dates do.

DEAR ABBY: After 25 years of marriage, my wife no longer wants to shave her legs. She is starting to look like a gorilla. I think it's a slap in the face. She says it has nothing to do with me. I don't know if I should move to another zoo or buy her some bananas. -- PEEVED IN POUGHKEEPSIE

DEAR PEEVED: This may be your wife's way of rebelling, just as some retired men forgo shaving because they no longer "have" to. Or, the winters in Poughkeepsie may be so cold she feels she needs the insulation. Stay in the zoo you're used to -- after all, it's home. (If it's causing problems in your marital relations, close your eyes and pretend it's cashmere.)

DEAR ABBY: Would it be a breach of etiquette to enclose a self-addressed, stamped (blank) thank-you note with gifts I plan to send to my grandchildren, since they do not respond when I mail them gifts or cards? -- GRANDMA IN MARSHFIELD, MO.

DEAR GRANDMA: I think it's a great idea as a last resort -- and no, it would not be a breach of etiquette to do so.

DEAR ABBY: Our 7-year-old grandson has been a handful since he was able to walk. He has been sneaky and has told lies for as long as any of us can remember. He has been suspended from school more than 10 times for various things. He stole several hundred dollars from his mom's purse and took it to school so he would have money to buy snacks. He stays awake longer than everyone else in the house so he can take things and hide them in his closet.

He knows what he does is wrong, but it doesn't bother him. He is also abusive to his disabled sister. It is hard to imagine that a 7-year-old could give hate-filled looks that you don't even see from adults. I'm afraid at the rate he is going, he will seriously hurt someone or be hurt himself.

He also has a very big heart. That is why we don't understand what is going wrong in this little boy's head. Please help if you can. -- GRANDMA OF A BULLY IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR GRANDMA: Your grandson's behavior may have something to do with the fact his disabled sibling needs more of his parents' attention. Or he may have serious emotional problems. The boy needs to be evaluated by a mental health professional so his parents will understand what's driving his behavior, and it can be addressed. Please don't wait.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 17 and a few months ago I made the mistake of taking and sending nude photographs to my boyfriend. An adult co-worker, "Jim," got the photographs without my knowledge or permission and showed them to my other co-workers, including managers. Jim threatened to continue showing the pictures around unless I did him a "favor."

Out of distress, I quit my job, not realizing that managers had seen the photographs. I now know they were aware of the situation, but did nothing. How should I approach the situation? It would be very bad if my parents found out. -- FACING THE CONSEQUENCES IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR FACING THE CONSEQUENCES: You now know why it's a bad idea to send nude pictures, because once they are out of your control, anything can be done with them. While this is embarrassing, you should absolutely tell your parents what happened because they may want to take this matter to their lawyer. Your former employers ignored sexual harassment, attempted coercion and blackmail. If it can be proven, they should pay the price for it.

DEAR ABBY: May I share a pet peeve of mine? I wish you'd raise the consciousness of people who write obituaries and fail to mention the musician who provides the music for the funerals and memorials. The musician often does more preparation for the services than the pallbearers. Why are their names omitted? I usually want to know who they are when I attend. -- WONDERING IN GEORGIA

DEAR WONDERING: I can think of a couple of reasons. The first is that some obituaries are actually taken from the eulogy, which may have been written prior to the death by someone in the family. If the obituary was written by an employee of a newspaper, the information may have been taken as part of a standard list of questions about the deceased and any survivors.

Frankly, I think it would be more suitable if the musician's name was included on the program. If it hasn't been included, there is nothing rude about telling the officiant or a family member how much you enjoyed the music and asking who provided it.