DEAR ABBY: I'm 12 and weigh 204 pounds. I feel really fat and I want to go on a diet, but my mom won't let me. I'm getting bad grades in gym class and need your help. -- SAD GIRL IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR SAD GIRL: By recognizing that you have a problem that you can't deal with on your own, you have already taken an important first step in resolving it. The next is to talk to your gym teacher about this and enlist her aid in convincing your mother to give you the help you need.

Childhood obesity is rampant in this country, and all those extra pounds could negatively affect your health -- not only now, but in the future. If you have a pediatrician, the doctor may be able to discuss the importance of a healthy diet and exercise program for you with your mom. You will need the help of other adults to make her understand if she can't see that you need help now.

DEAR ABBY: I am 18 and dating someone of a different race. We have been together for more than a year. The problem is my father is very racist. Every time I sneak out to go see my boyfriend, my father wants to know who I am with. I tell him it's "my friends," but he knows I'm lying.

I want to tell him who I'm dating, but I know he's going to be judgmental and rude if I introduce him to my boyfriend. Any advice on what to do? -- NERVOUS IN THE NORTHEAST

DEAR NERVOUS: At 18 you are too old to be sneaking around. Your father knows something is up, and he probably suspects the reason you're not being truthful or open, so stop lying. If he wants to know why you haven't brought the young man around, tell him it's because you know how he would react. And if you decide to make introductions, be sure your boyfriend knows in advance what the reaction will probably be -- if he agrees to meet your dad, that is. But I wouldn't blame him if he didn't.

DEAR ABBY: I ran into an old high school friend a while ago. "Jan" and I are both single moms. We want what's best for our kids. She has no family living here, and she doesn't have many friends. Jan has low self-esteem, high anxiety and, I believe, she mismanages her finances. Her house is extremely unkempt.

She calls me in tears often, asking for advice and help. I have tried to help her, but it is becoming overwhelming.

I asked my boss for two days off over the holidays. Jan called me shortly after and asked me if I can take care of her son on any days I have off over the holidays so he won't have to go to his day care facility. I feel bad and want to help, but I took the time off to spend much-needed time with my family. I don't want to have to bring her son to my family festivities. Is this wrong of me?

Needless to say, this relationship has added a lot of stress to my life. I tried breaking off the relationship over the summer, and I'm not even sure why it still continues. I feel mean and rude, but I don't want to be -- and can't be -- this girl's only means of support. -- TRAPPED IN BUFFALO

DEAR TRAPPED: It is neither mean nor rude to draw the line when someone's neediness is more than you can cope with. It is OK to say no, and you needn't feel guilty about it. It is also OK to advise someone that low-cost counseling is available in most communities if the person appears unstable or unable to cope with life. When you do, tell her that her needs are more than you are able to handle. If you do, you may not need to end the friendship -- she may do it for you, but you'll be doing her a favor.

DEAR ABBY: My parents and sister live three hours away, so my family stays with me when they come to town. Over the last few years, I noticed things began to disappear from my home. They are usually small and portable -- earrings, in particular.

The idea of someone stealing from me was very upsetting. When I mentioned it to my sister, she suggested that it could be our housekeeper.

After my wedding band vanished, I had a security camera installed. A few months later, two more pairs of earrings went MIA, so I had the surveillance company review the tapes. It turns out the thief is my sister!

The idea that she has gone through my things and helped herself with no remorse after I opened my home to her disgusts me. When I confronted her, she denied it. She later told my mother that she did take the earrings, but didn't know why I wanted them "because they were so ugly."

Christmas is coming and I can no longer welcome her to my home. Why would she do this to me? -- TRUSTED MY SISTER IN RALEIGH, N.C.

DEAR TRUSTED: Not knowing your sister, I can't say for certain why she would steal from you. She may have kleptomania and be unable to control her impulses. Or, she may resent you for what she perceives you have that she doesn't (a happy life, lovely home, etc.) and has been taking the items to "even things up."

While I don't blame you for being upset, please understand that whatever her reason, she's a troubled woman who needs help. Unless you lock up anything of value, she should not be in your home.

DEAR ABBY: We are part of a group of couples who meet monthly at one another's homes to play cards. We usually play in the evening from 7 to 11 with the hosting couple providing light refreshments and dessert. Many years ago, one couple designated December as "their" month to celebrate New Year's Eve. We start earlier with a meal and end after midnight.

The issue is that it has lost its appeal. Many of us would prefer not to be out on that particular night. How do we, as a group, let them know we no longer want to have game night on New Year's Eve without hurting their feelings? They tend to be a sensitive couple. -- PARTIED OUT IN OREGON

DEAR PARTIED OUT: Unless one of you is willing to be the messenger and speak for the rest of you, you should tell this couple as a group -- well before the end of the year -- that you would prefer not to be out on a night when many of the drivers on the road have been drinking. It's a valid reason.

While the New Year's Eve card game may have become a tradition, times change, and as people mature they tend to make more mature decisions. The one you're making ranks high among them.

P.S. There should be no hurt feelings if you suggest that the card game take place at some other time.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 58-year-old male. My wife divorced me last year after 33 years of marriage. Must I wait the recommended seven years before dating? I heard I must wait one year for every five I was married. -- READY OR NOT IN MICHIGAN

DEAR READY OR NOT: I wonder where you heard that! The answer is no. At 58, you had better start soon. You're not getting any younger.

DEAR ABBY: I'm the proud mother of four beautiful children -- a daughter, a son and 8-year-old twin boys. I am having a hard time getting people to understand that my boys, whom I rarely refer to as "twins," are two separate people! Every year at Christmas some family members buy gifts for our daughter and our eldest son, and then one gift our younger boys are expected to share. Abby, they once received one T-shirt, which was meant for both of them. This also happens on their birthday.

Yes, they share a room and they are twins, but they deserve the same respect as their siblings. We have never dressed them alike. They are individuals who should be treated as such like their sister and brother.

Christmas is around the corner, and I don't know how to tell my family members to please buy gifts for both the boys. I realize we have a large family. I don't expect anyone to go broke. The gift can be a small one. Can you please help me find the right words without sounding greedy? -- MOM OF FOUR IN OTTAWA

DEAR MOM: Your relatives don't appear to be particularly sensitive, or they would already realize that children are individuals whether they happen to be wombmates or not. Their "frugality" puts a damper on what are supposed to be happy occasions. It would not be "greedy" to tell them that if they can't afford a gift for each child -- regardless of how small it might be -- it would cause fewer hurt feelings if they sent none at all for any of your children.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend's daughter, "Heather," came to me the other day and told me a girl at school is having sex with a 36-year-old. Abby, the girl is only 13. When I told Heather I wanted to tell a counselor, she begged me not to because she's new in the school and doesn't want to be labeled a snitch.

I am torn about what to do. I don't want her mad at me, but I can't just stand back and let this continue to happen. Heather and I are nine years apart, so I don't really come across as a parental figure. I don't know if I should tell her dad or not. Please help. -- DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO

DEAR DON'T KNOW: The girl in question is being raped. The 36-year-old is a predator. What you should do is find out the girl's name and then let her parents know what is going on so they can possibly inform the police. If you can't locate the parents, talk to a counselor at the school, because a counselor is ethically and legally required to report a crime like this.

DEAR ABBY: I recently realized that my parents lied about their wedding date. Because of my mother's age and health, I haven't told her I know the truth. My father passed away several years ago, so his obituary states the date they always used. When my mother passes, do I state the true date in her obituary or perpetuate the lie? -- DAUGHTER WITH A SECRET

DEAR DAUGHTER: I think you should do whatever you think your mother would want when the time comes. The ages of the offspring are not usually mentioned in a person's obituary, and unless your friends read the wedding date with calculators in hand, I doubt they will notice the relationship between your age and the nuptials. But if anyone should be so tasteless as to say anything, just smile and say, "Yes, I was a love child."