DEAR ABBY: I'm the proud mother of four beautiful children -- a daughter, a son and 8-year-old twin boys. I am having a hard time getting people to understand that my boys, whom I rarely refer to as "twins," are two separate people! Every year at Christmas some family members buy gifts for our daughter and our eldest son, and then one gift our younger boys are expected to share. Abby, they once received one T-shirt, which was meant for both of them. This also happens on their birthday.

Yes, they share a room and they are twins, but they deserve the same respect as their siblings. We have never dressed them alike. They are individuals who should be treated as such like their sister and brother.

Christmas is around the corner, and I don't know how to tell my family members to please buy gifts for both the boys. I realize we have a large family. I don't expect anyone to go broke. The gift can be a small one. Can you please help me find the right words without sounding greedy? -- MOM OF FOUR IN OTTAWA

DEAR MOM: Your relatives don't appear to be particularly sensitive, or they would already realize that children are individuals whether they happen to be wombmates or not. Their "frugality" puts a damper on what are supposed to be happy occasions. It would not be "greedy" to tell them that if they can't afford a gift for each child -- regardless of how small it might be -- it would cause fewer hurt feelings if they sent none at all for any of your children.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend's daughter, "Heather," came to me the other day and told me a girl at school is having sex with a 36-year-old. Abby, the girl is only 13. When I told Heather I wanted to tell a counselor, she begged me not to because she's new in the school and doesn't want to be labeled a snitch.

I am torn about what to do. I don't want her mad at me, but I can't just stand back and let this continue to happen. Heather and I are nine years apart, so I don't really come across as a parental figure. I don't know if I should tell her dad or not. Please help. -- DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO

DEAR DON'T KNOW: The girl in question is being raped. The 36-year-old is a predator. What you should do is find out the girl's name and then let her parents know what is going on so they can possibly inform the police. If you can't locate the parents, talk to a counselor at the school, because a counselor is ethically and legally required to report a crime like this.

DEAR ABBY: I recently realized that my parents lied about their wedding date. Because of my mother's age and health, I haven't told her I know the truth. My father passed away several years ago, so his obituary states the date they always used. When my mother passes, do I state the true date in her obituary or perpetuate the lie? -- DAUGHTER WITH A SECRET

DEAR DAUGHTER: I think you should do whatever you think your mother would want when the time comes. The ages of the offspring are not usually mentioned in a person's obituary, and unless your friends read the wedding date with calculators in hand, I doubt they will notice the relationship between your age and the nuptials. But if anyone should be so tasteless as to say anything, just smile and say, "Yes, I was a love child."

DEAR ABBY: I have been with my fiance since 2006. We expected to be married in 2008, but my grandmother died a month before my wedding, and then he was arrested because of charges stemming from a sexual relationship he'd had with a 17-year-old girl he had been counseling.

Since then, we have had a daughter, but through it all there has been cheating, drugs, jail, no job, and constant excuses about why our sex life no longer exists. We have also had physical altercations, which he was arrested for.

I am no longer happy with this relationship. The only reason I stay is because of our children. I'm only 33 and don't want to live my life in misery anymore, but I will sacrifice my happiness for my children. I am confused and don't know what to do. I'm just going through the motions in life. I work full time, coach my son's soccer team and am living with MS.

He does help somewhat, but it would be better if he would get a job. My mother watches my kids while I am working and after they get out of school. He claims because he doesn't have a driver's license he can't get a job. Really? How many people in this world don't drive and still have a job? Please give me some advice. I have reached my breaking point. -- DOING THE BEST I CAN

DEAR DOING THE BEST YOU CAN: You say you are willing to sacrifice your happiness with this loser for your children. Why? You are not married to him, and he is emotionally neglectful, physically abusive and contributes nothing financially. Admit to yourself that the "romance" has been a mistake, and as soon as it's safe, get away from him. If he ever finds a job, the state will help you collect child support, but if he doesn't, you'll have one less mouth to feed.

DEAR ABBY: My mom insists on including my ex-husband and his wife at our family gatherings. I have told her repeatedly that it makes me very uncomfortable, but she even included them in the gift exchange last Christmas. What should I do? Not go?

My sister has already laid a guilt trip on me. Must I go and have Christmas with my ex like we're one big happy family? (If we had been happy, we would not have gotten divorced.) What are your thoughts on this? -- LIVING IN DYSFUNCTION JUNCTION

DEAR LIVING: If you and your ex were married for a long time, I can see why your mother might consider him still part of the family and want to include him. However, out of consideration for your feelings, it should be on a limited basis -- not every holiday. (Could she be trying to punish you because she blames you for the divorce?)

Because it would make you uncomfortable and your mother knows it, make plans to do something you would enjoy -- perhaps a trip out of town to be with friends or to a different climate. And please, don't feel guilty if you do -- regardless of what your sister says.

DEAR ABBY: What do you say to your only son who can't even call to tell you he is getting married? He posted it on Facebook, and I was notified via a text from my sister.

Our relationship isn't the issue. He just doesn't seem to be able to use his phone for talking. Your thoughts? -- OUTSIDE THE LOOP IN OREGON

DEAR OUTSIDE THE LOOP: Because your son seems oblivious to the fact that news of this kind should be conveyed to the immediate family personally rather than in a "bulletin," explain to him how it made you feel to receive the news the way you did. He owes you an apology.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 38-year-old woman who has been dating a 41-year-old man for seven months. He's wonderful and treats me magnificently. We have similar values and interests and are very much in love. Sadly, although I have always wanted children, he does not.

At my age, I have dated enough men to know that I have found someone special. I realize my choice is either to stay in a relationship with a fabulous partner, knowing we won't have children, or end it, hoping I'll find someone just as wonderful who wants kids.

Your advice in making the hardest decision of my life would be greatly appreciated. -- MATERNAL IN NEW YORK

DEAR MATERNAL: I'll try. Many women in their late 30s find that conceiving a child is complicated, and it can also take longer than they thought. It has taken you 38 years to find this exceptional man, and it could take quite a bit of time to find another one who is so compatible.

Look at it this way: If you married "Mr. Wonderful" and learned afterward that he couldn't father a child, would you leave him? Insist on adopting? Or would you count the many blessings you do have with him and stay?

Many women are happily childless. However, if you're not one of them, you should take your chances and move on -- remembering that there are no guarantees.

DEAR ABBY: I work on a busy street in San Francisco where smokers walk around puffing all day while ignoring those around them. Don't you think they should be considerate enough to smoke at designated areas only and not while walking with their secondhand smoke billowing around other pedestrians?

I have seen pregnant women and children inundated by the smoke as these puffers stroll by with no regard. We nonsmokers would appreciate their courtesy for others because we don't want to inhale what they're smoking. Can you comment? -- HATES THAT HABIT

DEAR HATES THAT HABIT: I hate it, too, but unless there is an ordinance in your city that prohibits smoking on certain sidewalks, I think it's unrealistic to expect smokers who inhale not to exhale.

DEAR READERS: Years ago, a young mother in Arlington, Va., wrote my mother about a book she had received that promised to help parents prepare their children for school by expanding their vocabulary. The "secret"? Reading to them while they are small.

Children learn words by hearing them spoken in context -- the more they hear, the more they absorb. Like everything else, reading is something people will do more of if they enjoy it. When a parent reads to a child, the child associates reading with pleasure.

"The Read-Aloud Handbook" by Jim Trelease became a huge best-seller when it was published. Penguin Books called it one of the 75 most important books it has published in its history. The book is now in its seventh -- and last -- edition and has been completely revised and updated. If you're a parent who wants your child to succeed, a grandparent, or someone contemplating becoming a parent in the future, pick up a copy.

The first half is filled with the latest research on the importance of literacy for children's success; the rest lists book titles and ages of the youngsters for which they're intended. To learn more about the author, visit www.trelease-on-reading.com. To order the book, go to www.penguin.com. -- Love, ABBY