DEAR ABBY: My 23-year-old daughter is out of control and has been since she was 16. She has a 2-year-old daughter, but she lives her life on the edge. She spends her days on the Internet meeting strange men and going out with them in private places. On the weekends, she drops her daughter here and takes off.

She has a history of drug and alcohol abuse and prostitution, but swears she only drinks alcohol now. I get so worried and upset I find myself yelling at her and trying to prevent her from leaving with these strange men. She thinks I'm trying to control her life when I'm actually trying to save her.

What should I do? I'm getting too old to be stressing out about what she's doing and who she's with. -- STRESSED-OUT IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR STRESSED-OUT: You can't "save" your daughter. Until she realizes she needs help, and is willing to accept it and change her life, she is unreachable. You can, however, talk to an attorney about gaining legal custody of your grandchild.

Terrible things can happen to women who do what your daughter is doing. That little girl needs safety, consistency and stability, and it appears you are the only relative she has who is capable of giving it to her. Please don't wait.

DEAR ABBY: I read the obituaries in our local newspaper every day to see if someone I know has died. But when I don't see any familiar name, I feel let down and disappointed. Is that weird? -- STILL ALIVE IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR STILL ALIVE: People read the obituary section for various reasons, including the fact that some of the deceased have lived very interesting lives. Some do it hoping they won't find their own name listed. If they see the name of an acquaintance, they may feel sadness at the loss or sympathy for the family, knowing each death leaves a hole in someone's heart. But to feel "let down" seems to me like a lack of empathy, and in my opinion, it is weird.

DEAR ABBY: Please remind your readers that it is the job of retail workers to help customers. We are not "liars" or "stupid" because our store happens to be out of a toy that an angry parent "must" have this holiday season. It is amazing how this year's hot toy item can turn parents into monsters.

I had one parent ask me after finding out that we were out of stock on a certain toy, "What am I supposed to do now?" I suggested looking online, but what I really wanted to say was, "Take your kids to help out at a homeless shelter so they can count their blessings!" -- SANTA'S HELPER IN IOWA CITY

DEAR SANTA'S HELPER: I'll remind them, but the parents you describe are under pressure because they don't want to disappoint their kids. To the panicked parent who asks, "What am I supposed to do now?" you could respond by saying, "Now you go to Plan B." Then suggest some other toy the child would like -- even though it's not his or her No. 1 choice. While I think the comment you would like to make (but keep suppressing) is an excellent suggestion, it would not be an appropriate one to make in a situation like this.

DEAR ABBY: I love my husband very much. Until the last few years there have never been any problems in our 20-year marriage. I have depression and epilepsy, and I am on five different medications for them.

Sometimes when I have come out of a seizure, I have found that my clothes have been removed and my husband is "touching" me. Also, because the medication puts me into a deep sleep at night, I have half-awakened to him having sex with me. I am so groggy I can't respond. Is this right? I feel like I have been violated, but I haven't said anything to him. This causes me to cringe most of the time when he touches me now.

I'd like to get back to a normal love life, but I can't get over what he does to me when I'm not fully aware. How do I tell him I know what he has been doing without ruining my marriage? -- FEELING VIOLATED IN RIO RANCHO, N.M.

DEAR FEELING VIOLATED: You feel violated because what your husband is doing is called spousal rape, and it's a criminal offense. Having sex with someone who is so doped up she (or he) can't give consent is a sexual assault. Tell your husband you know what he has been doing, how you feel about it and that you would prefer that the two of you make love while you are wide awake and able to fully enjoy it. This should be discussed with a marriage counselor and, if necessary, the police.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a married father of two very young children (2 and 6 months). I have excessive student loan debt that is making my life extremely tough, and between that, day care and my mortgage, I'm on the brink of bankruptcy.

My mother is extremely wealthy. She is very involved with my family and we both do things to help each other out. I mow the grass in her large yard every week.

She sees me struggling, yet she makes no offer to help financially. I am becoming resentful about it. If she helped, it would not change her lifestyle at all. My wife's family is the opposite. Her parents aren't wealthy, but they have done everything within their power to help their children. I know how I will treat my kids.

Am I wrong to feel resentment because my mother has decided differently? Or should I just "grow up"? -- FRUSTRATED IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR FRUSTRATED: If you have discussed with your mother that you are under extreme financial pressure and she has refused to help, then I can see why you might feel some resentment. My question is, have you talked to her about it? That would be the "grown-up" thing to do. The worst she can say is no. If she does, what you will need to do is take a part-time job to help with the bills -- even if it means you mow your mother's lawn less often.

DEAR ABBY: Next month will be our 25th anniversary. My wife and I are permanently separated, but will not divorce because she would lose health coverage under my employer's plan. How do I acknowledge this "landmark" -- or should I just ignore it, since it isn't really a celebratory event? -- NOT QUITE AN EX IN THE SOUTH

DEAR NOT QUITE AN EX: If you and your wife are on speaking terms, call her and say something nice. Or send her a card. If you're not on friendly terms, then diplomatically ignore the landmark.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I want to start a family, but until now our circumstances have not made this possible. After a big move and starting a new business, we have decided it's about time.

My problem is my husband uses drugs to relieve stress. I don't feel he abuses them; it just takes the edge off after a hard day's work like a glass of wine does for me sometimes.

I would like him to stop taking the drugs while we are trying to conceive in case it could affect the baby. He is unwilling and it makes me crazy. I have decided that if he can't do this, he isn't ready to be a father. On the other hand, he's a hard worker, and I wonder if by asking him to do this I am being selfish. Please give me some advice. -- READY FOR MOTHERHOOD IN MISSISSIPPI

DEAR READY FOR MOTHERHOOD: You are not being selfish, you are being prudent. According to Dr. June Reinisch, director emerita of the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction: "There is some evidence that suggests certain drugs can attach to the sperm and therefore affect the fetus. So the best plan for a healthy baby would be for the man to be as 'clean' as possible before he starts to make a child. This is because sperm are produced about three months before they are released."

DEAR ABBY: One of my husband's relatives is filing for bankruptcy for the third time. His wife recently started to receive disability. I believe they are abusing the system.

I know she was not truthful on her disability application. I work in the health care field and in the past have completed evaluations for disability claims. I know the only way she would meet the requirements would be if she misrepresented her current abilities.

Everyone else in the family works hard to support themselves, so I can't understand how this attitude is tolerated. What has pushed me over the edge is they have announced they're going to have a "bankruptcy party." They have invited everyone over to enjoy food and beverages that will be purchased with a credit card they have no intention of paying.

I feel an obligation to alert the disability office to her misrepresentation. My husband agrees that what they're doing is wrong, but he doesn't want me to do anything about it. This has caused a problem between us because I no longer want to go to family dinners. I know if I keep going and have to listen to them laugh about using taxpayer dollars to support their laziness, I will eventually explode. What do you think about this? -- SOMEWHERE IN THE U.S.A.

DEAR SOMEWHERE: I think your relatives are committing fraud and that it should be reported. Disability payments were meant for individuals who truly need them, not those who are gaming the system. And if you choose not to associate with these kinds of morally bankrupt individuals, you shouldn't have to. I can see how it would ruin your appetite. Shenanigans like this should be investigated and the abusers prosecuted to the full extent of the law.

DEAR ABBY: Well, here is a new one on me. I was walking through a Macy's looking for my wife, and right there in front of me was a 40-something woman in her bra trying on a blouse! Please tell me -- is this the new normal? -- GREG IN GAINESVILLE, FLA.

DEAR GREG: It's unusual, but not unheard of -- particularly if all of the dressing rooms are in use. In order to prevent this from happening again, avert your eyes when you're in the women's department.