DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law tends to embrace every pitiful creature she comes into contact with. This Thanksgiving she has invited my ex-boyfriend and his wife to her home to share in the festivities. My ex was abusive to me most of the time, and we did not end on good terms. The woman he cheated on me with is now his wife.

My ex was sneaky and manipulative, and I believe his only reason for wanting to be there is to check up on me and my husband. I have explained this to my husband and his mother, and told them I don't feel comfortable with the situation. They both told me I am "overreacting" and that he was a part of my past and I have since moved on.

I feel the family I love has betrayed me. The idea of my ex being involved in what should be a comfortable family day has me afraid and uneasy. Am I overreacting? Or is my husband's mother being unreasonable? -- DREADING THANKSGIVING

DEAR DREADING THANKSGIVING: I do not think you are overreacting. It was insensitive of your mother-in-law to invite your abusive ex and his wife to the gathering without first checking with you. While you may have moved on, I can see why this would not be something you would look forward to. Frankly, it's surprising that your mother-in-law would even know your ex -- let alone invite him to her home.

DEAR ABBY: I have been living on my own for three years. I recently moved back to my hometown and share a great apartment with my best friend from childhood.

My mother has had a serious alcohol problem for as long as I can remember. She will be moving back to the area next month for a new job. Dad couldn't get a job transfer, so he'll have to stay at their current house, which is five hours away.

I love Mom, but I'm very worried because I will be her closest family member location-wise. Her drinking has grown progressively worse over the last few years and has been the cause of three major surgeries. If something happens while she's living on her own, I don't know what I'll do.

Talking to my family is useless. It gets brushed aside because they don't want to deal with the pain after all these years. Do you have any suggestions to make this transition easier? -- HEAVY-HEARTED DAUGHTER IN VIRGINIA

DEAR HEAVY-HEARTED: For the sake of your sanity, you must not assume responsibility for your mother's drinking problem. Before she arrives, it would be helpful for you to attend some Al-Anon meetings or visit a chapter of Adult Children of Alcoholics World Service Organization. They can help you to maintain your emotional equilibrium as well as share experiences that will help you to cope with her without being overwhelmed.

Al-Anon should be listed in your phone directory because it is everywhere, or you can visit www.Al-AnonFamilyGroups.org. The website for Adult Children of Alcoholics is www.adultchildren.org.

DEAR ABBY: My elderly mother was recently placed in a nursing/rehabilitation facility. After several months of observation, I would like to offer an open letter to those who work in such places.

"Dear Caretaker,

"It is true I have grown older. My body won't do what it used to do. My eyes aren't as bright, and sometimes I have trouble finding the right words. But I do have a name, and it's not 'Honey' or 'Sweetie.' I have experienced much, and I have learned much. Your history books are my personal history. There is a lot I could teach you.

"You don't have to shout; I will tell you if I can't hear you. I have known great love and great tragedy in the years I have spent on this earth. I have spent decades learning to take care of myself, and it's hard having to rely on others.

"I need your help, but please don't talk to me as if I were a 2-year-old or a puppy. I'm too polite to say so, but I see when you roll your eyes or heave a sigh that says you'd rather be anywhere else but with me. These are my final years, and I've worked a lifetime to get here. Give me the dignity I deserve. All too soon, you will want the same." -- DAUGHTER IN ANDERSON, IND.

DEAR DAUGHTER: Your letter carries an important message. But please remember that the staff in nursing homes work long hours, often for minimum wage, and they all may not have been properly trained in caring for elderly and dementia patients. The work is hard, and the facility may also be understaffed.

It takes a special kind of person to do this work, and many of them deserve medals. However, if you feel that your mother's care is not up to par and that her dignity is not being respected, you should discuss it with the director of the facility.

DEAR ABBY: For the last 10 years, a family of four has come to our home for every Christmas and Easter meal. It started when my wife invited a co-worker. They had no family in town and nowhere else to go.

My wife's relationship with the woman has cooled, but the family assumes they are automatically invited and show up without being asked. They spend more time talking to our other family members than they do to us.

How do I politely let them know we no longer wish for them to come to our family meals? -- FAMILY ONLY IN MISSISSIPPI

DEAR FAMILY ONLY: Your wife should tell her co-worker that your plans for the holidays have changed, that the two of you are scaling back the festivities to include only family members.

She should be sure to convey this news in plenty of time for her co-worker to make other arrangements -- whether it will be preparing something herself or getting together with another family. Now would be a perfect time to do it.

DEAR ABBY: I would like to be fluent in another foreign language, but I don't have enough time to practice the language. What could I possibly do? -- RAFAELA IN BRAZIL

DEAR RAFAELA: Regardless of what language you want to learn, it won't be possible unless you are willing (and able) to put in the time to practice. If I were in your situation, I'd take a basic grammar class in the language, then try to find exchange students who speak it and spend time with them. And if you're not married and find an attractive man among them, that will give you even more incentive.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a senior in high school. Every day during lunch, one of my friends goes outside and smokes weed with a couple of his friends. He comes back from lunch with red eyes, smelling of smoke and his behavior indicates that he's high. I'm not sure if they smoke on or off campus, but I know it isn't legal at their age (17), and especially not at school. I saw a joint in his pocket a couple of times and he told me to keep it a secret.

Abby, this has me very uncomfortable. If he wants me to keep it a secret, he must know it's wrong. I don't know how to tell someone or even who I should tell. I know he has depression and weed can "take the edge off," but that doesn't make it OK.

What should I do? Should I tell anyone? And if so, who and how? -- FRETTING IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR FRETTING: It's surprising to me that your friend returns from lunch showing all of the signs of being stoned, and none of his teachers have picked up on it. Haven't his grades suffered?

While it is not uncommon for people who are depressed to try to self-medicate with illegal substances, it's not nearly as successful as dealing with their emotions by talking about them with a medical professional, and can sometimes make the problem worse. The person to confide this in would be a trusted teacher or school counselor. Please don't wait.

DEAR ABBY: While volunteering last year with a moms' group, I met a woman I'll call "Beverly." We worked on a project together and that was the last I saw of her.

I heard she recently lost her daughter in a terrible accident. Our group rallied around her to provide meals for her family. At that time I asked the volunteer chairwoman about taking a meal to Beverly. The chairwoman didn't respond until a couple of weeks later. Now I'm wondering if I should still take a meal over there.

How long should a family who has suffered a loss receive meals? I want to be a comfort, but I don't know them that well. -- UNSURE IN GEORGIA

DEAR UNSURE: When a death happens, people often rush to console the grieving family. More help is offered than can be accepted in the weeks that follow, and then people drift away.

It is not too late to offer Beverly and her family a home-cooked meal. Call her, make the offer and I'm sure it will be gratefully accepted.

DEAR ABBY: Every year we go to my brother's home for Thanksgiving. His wife, "Kelly," is a vegetarian. She will not eat meat and forces all of her guests to follow her strict diet, so every year we are forced to eat tofu turkey.

I brought up the idea of possibly having both a tofu turkey and a regular turkey, but that made my sister-in-law extremely angry. She called me an animal hater and told me I would rot in hell for all of eternity if I continued to sin by eating meat.

I love my brother very much and would hate to compromise our relationship, but every year this causes a fuss at Thanksgiving, and I'd like to avoid it this year. Any advice would be much appreciated. -- TOFU-ED OUT IN WISCONSIN

DEAR TOFU-ED OUT: No law says you must dine at your brother's home every year. Either alternate hosting the Thanksgiving dinner (when it's at your house, Kelly can bring tofu turkey for herself -- if she decides to attend) or make other plans for a traditional dinner elsewhere. You are not going to change your sister-in-law, and this would be the logical way to avoid an argument.