DEAR ABBY: My elderly mother was recently placed in a nursing/rehabilitation facility. After several months of observation, I would like to offer an open letter to those who work in such places.

"Dear Caretaker,

"It is true I have grown older. My body won't do what it used to do. My eyes aren't as bright, and sometimes I have trouble finding the right words. But I do have a name, and it's not 'Honey' or 'Sweetie.' I have experienced much, and I have learned much. Your history books are my personal history. There is a lot I could teach you.

"You don't have to shout; I will tell you if I can't hear you. I have known great love and great tragedy in the years I have spent on this earth. I have spent decades learning to take care of myself, and it's hard having to rely on others.

"I need your help, but please don't talk to me as if I were a 2-year-old or a puppy. I'm too polite to say so, but I see when you roll your eyes or heave a sigh that says you'd rather be anywhere else but with me. These are my final years, and I've worked a lifetime to get here. Give me the dignity I deserve. All too soon, you will want the same." -- DAUGHTER IN ANDERSON, IND.

DEAR DAUGHTER: Your letter carries an important message. But please remember that the staff in nursing homes work long hours, often for minimum wage, and they all may not have been properly trained in caring for elderly and dementia patients. The work is hard, and the facility may also be understaffed.

It takes a special kind of person to do this work, and many of them deserve medals. However, if you feel that your mother's care is not up to par and that her dignity is not being respected, you should discuss it with the director of the facility.

DEAR ABBY: For the last 10 years, a family of four has come to our home for every Christmas and Easter meal. It started when my wife invited a co-worker. They had no family in town and nowhere else to go.

My wife's relationship with the woman has cooled, but the family assumes they are automatically invited and show up without being asked. They spend more time talking to our other family members than they do to us.

How do I politely let them know we no longer wish for them to come to our family meals? -- FAMILY ONLY IN MISSISSIPPI

DEAR FAMILY ONLY: Your wife should tell her co-worker that your plans for the holidays have changed, that the two of you are scaling back the festivities to include only family members.

She should be sure to convey this news in plenty of time for her co-worker to make other arrangements -- whether it will be preparing something herself or getting together with another family. Now would be a perfect time to do it.

DEAR ABBY: I would like to be fluent in another foreign language, but I don't have enough time to practice the language. What could I possibly do? -- RAFAELA IN BRAZIL

DEAR RAFAELA: Regardless of what language you want to learn, it won't be possible unless you are willing (and able) to put in the time to practice. If I were in your situation, I'd take a basic grammar class in the language, then try to find exchange students who speak it and spend time with them. And if you're not married and find an attractive man among them, that will give you even more incentive.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a senior in high school. Every day during lunch, one of my friends goes outside and smokes weed with a couple of his friends. He comes back from lunch with red eyes, smelling of smoke and his behavior indicates that he's high. I'm not sure if they smoke on or off campus, but I know it isn't legal at their age (17), and especially not at school. I saw a joint in his pocket a couple of times and he told me to keep it a secret.

Abby, this has me very uncomfortable. If he wants me to keep it a secret, he must know it's wrong. I don't know how to tell someone or even who I should tell. I know he has depression and weed can "take the edge off," but that doesn't make it OK.

What should I do? Should I tell anyone? And if so, who and how? -- FRETTING IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR FRETTING: It's surprising to me that your friend returns from lunch showing all of the signs of being stoned, and none of his teachers have picked up on it. Haven't his grades suffered?

While it is not uncommon for people who are depressed to try to self-medicate with illegal substances, it's not nearly as successful as dealing with their emotions by talking about them with a medical professional, and can sometimes make the problem worse. The person to confide this in would be a trusted teacher or school counselor. Please don't wait.

DEAR ABBY: While volunteering last year with a moms' group, I met a woman I'll call "Beverly." We worked on a project together and that was the last I saw of her.

I heard she recently lost her daughter in a terrible accident. Our group rallied around her to provide meals for her family. At that time I asked the volunteer chairwoman about taking a meal to Beverly. The chairwoman didn't respond until a couple of weeks later. Now I'm wondering if I should still take a meal over there.

How long should a family who has suffered a loss receive meals? I want to be a comfort, but I don't know them that well. -- UNSURE IN GEORGIA

DEAR UNSURE: When a death happens, people often rush to console the grieving family. More help is offered than can be accepted in the weeks that follow, and then people drift away.

It is not too late to offer Beverly and her family a home-cooked meal. Call her, make the offer and I'm sure it will be gratefully accepted.

DEAR ABBY: Every year we go to my brother's home for Thanksgiving. His wife, "Kelly," is a vegetarian. She will not eat meat and forces all of her guests to follow her strict diet, so every year we are forced to eat tofu turkey.

I brought up the idea of possibly having both a tofu turkey and a regular turkey, but that made my sister-in-law extremely angry. She called me an animal hater and told me I would rot in hell for all of eternity if I continued to sin by eating meat.

I love my brother very much and would hate to compromise our relationship, but every year this causes a fuss at Thanksgiving, and I'd like to avoid it this year. Any advice would be much appreciated. -- TOFU-ED OUT IN WISCONSIN

DEAR TOFU-ED OUT: No law says you must dine at your brother's home every year. Either alternate hosting the Thanksgiving dinner (when it's at your house, Kelly can bring tofu turkey for herself -- if she decides to attend) or make other plans for a traditional dinner elsewhere. You are not going to change your sister-in-law, and this would be the logical way to avoid an argument.

DEAR ABBY: This is my wife's second marriage. When we were dating, she led me to believe that I was the second sexual partner she had ever had. Shortly after our wedding, I found out through some mutual acquaintances she had attended college with that she had been very promiscuous during her college years and that the number of men she has been with is far greater than two.

I feel lied to and trapped in my marriage. (If I had known this, I would not have married her.) She knows I know. She dismissed it by saying the past doesn't matter, but what she fails to recognize is that it matters to me. I can't help but wonder if she has lied to me about something this important, what else will she lie to me about?

I love her and want to stay with her, but I feel betrayed and, frankly, embarrassed by her now. What do I do? -- CONFOUNDED IN THE SOUTH

DEAR CONFOUNDED: People lie when they feel threatened, when they want to impress someone or when they're ashamed of something. The lie your wife told you may fall into the latter category. She wasn't honest about the number of men she had been with because she knew you would react the way you have.

You say you love her, but if you truly feel embarrassed by the fact that you're not the second man she has slept with, then you either need to change your attitude or do her a favor and think about ending your marriage. From my perspective, the number of lovers she has had since the wedding is far more important than the number she had before.

Please be aware that many women in our society have had multiple partners, so if you're looking to replace your wife anytime soon, you may be hard pressed to find a woman with no experience. If you want to salvage your marriage, I strongly recommend you talk to a therapist, but don't spend your money unless you can forgive your wife for being afraid to tell you the truth.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 16-year-old guy, and I have a problem. I recently met a girl in a chat room, and we seemed to hit it off pretty well. As we've been talking, she has told me she is suicidal, and in the past three days she has made three attempts to take her life. (As I'm writing this, she is in the hospital.)

Being a sensitive person, I try to talk her out of it, but she keeps shutting me out, and once she's OK, she is a completely different person. I still want to be her friend, but this is getting to be too much for me. Please help. -- WORRIED IN VERMONT

DEAR WORRIED: You are a caring person, but you must recognize that the girl you are corresponding with is emotionally fragile. Right now she is unable to respond to you and, frankly, you are not equipped to help her. It's good that she is in the hospital because that is where she needs to be until she can be stabilized.

If you continue to stay in touch with her and she tells you again that she is suicidal, you should ask her where she is and if she has done anything to herself. Then call 911 and report it so she can get help quickly.

DEAR ABBY: What do you do with a husband who is loud and rude, who curses constantly and argues with you and the TV, and is a bully to you and your daughter? -- THAT'S IT IN A NUTSHELL

DEAR THAT'S IT: As little as possible!