DEAR ABBY: I'm a senior in high school. Every day during lunch, one of my friends goes outside and smokes weed with a couple of his friends. He comes back from lunch with red eyes, smelling of smoke and his behavior indicates that he's high. I'm not sure if they smoke on or off campus, but I know it isn't legal at their age (17), and especially not at school. I saw a joint in his pocket a couple of times and he told me to keep it a secret.

Abby, this has me very uncomfortable. If he wants me to keep it a secret, he must know it's wrong. I don't know how to tell someone or even who I should tell. I know he has depression and weed can "take the edge off," but that doesn't make it OK.

What should I do? Should I tell anyone? And if so, who and how? -- FRETTING IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR FRETTING: It's surprising to me that your friend returns from lunch showing all of the signs of being stoned, and none of his teachers have picked up on it. Haven't his grades suffered?

While it is not uncommon for people who are depressed to try to self-medicate with illegal substances, it's not nearly as successful as dealing with their emotions by talking about them with a medical professional, and can sometimes make the problem worse. The person to confide this in would be a trusted teacher or school counselor. Please don't wait.

DEAR ABBY: While volunteering last year with a moms' group, I met a woman I'll call "Beverly." We worked on a project together and that was the last I saw of her.

I heard she recently lost her daughter in a terrible accident. Our group rallied around her to provide meals for her family. At that time I asked the volunteer chairwoman about taking a meal to Beverly. The chairwoman didn't respond until a couple of weeks later. Now I'm wondering if I should still take a meal over there.

How long should a family who has suffered a loss receive meals? I want to be a comfort, but I don't know them that well. -- UNSURE IN GEORGIA

DEAR UNSURE: When a death happens, people often rush to console the grieving family. More help is offered than can be accepted in the weeks that follow, and then people drift away.

It is not too late to offer Beverly and her family a home-cooked meal. Call her, make the offer and I'm sure it will be gratefully accepted.

DEAR ABBY: Every year we go to my brother's home for Thanksgiving. His wife, "Kelly," is a vegetarian. She will not eat meat and forces all of her guests to follow her strict diet, so every year we are forced to eat tofu turkey.

I brought up the idea of possibly having both a tofu turkey and a regular turkey, but that made my sister-in-law extremely angry. She called me an animal hater and told me I would rot in hell for all of eternity if I continued to sin by eating meat.

I love my brother very much and would hate to compromise our relationship, but every year this causes a fuss at Thanksgiving, and I'd like to avoid it this year. Any advice would be much appreciated. -- TOFU-ED OUT IN WISCONSIN

DEAR TOFU-ED OUT: No law says you must dine at your brother's home every year. Either alternate hosting the Thanksgiving dinner (when it's at your house, Kelly can bring tofu turkey for herself -- if she decides to attend) or make other plans for a traditional dinner elsewhere. You are not going to change your sister-in-law, and this would be the logical way to avoid an argument.

DEAR ABBY: This is my wife's second marriage. When we were dating, she led me to believe that I was the second sexual partner she had ever had. Shortly after our wedding, I found out through some mutual acquaintances she had attended college with that she had been very promiscuous during her college years and that the number of men she has been with is far greater than two.

I feel lied to and trapped in my marriage. (If I had known this, I would not have married her.) She knows I know. She dismissed it by saying the past doesn't matter, but what she fails to recognize is that it matters to me. I can't help but wonder if she has lied to me about something this important, what else will she lie to me about?

I love her and want to stay with her, but I feel betrayed and, frankly, embarrassed by her now. What do I do? -- CONFOUNDED IN THE SOUTH

DEAR CONFOUNDED: People lie when they feel threatened, when they want to impress someone or when they're ashamed of something. The lie your wife told you may fall into the latter category. She wasn't honest about the number of men she had been with because she knew you would react the way you have.

You say you love her, but if you truly feel embarrassed by the fact that you're not the second man she has slept with, then you either need to change your attitude or do her a favor and think about ending your marriage. From my perspective, the number of lovers she has had since the wedding is far more important than the number she had before.

Please be aware that many women in our society have had multiple partners, so if you're looking to replace your wife anytime soon, you may be hard pressed to find a woman with no experience. If you want to salvage your marriage, I strongly recommend you talk to a therapist, but don't spend your money unless you can forgive your wife for being afraid to tell you the truth.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 16-year-old guy, and I have a problem. I recently met a girl in a chat room, and we seemed to hit it off pretty well. As we've been talking, she has told me she is suicidal, and in the past three days she has made three attempts to take her life. (As I'm writing this, she is in the hospital.)

Being a sensitive person, I try to talk her out of it, but she keeps shutting me out, and once she's OK, she is a completely different person. I still want to be her friend, but this is getting to be too much for me. Please help. -- WORRIED IN VERMONT

DEAR WORRIED: You are a caring person, but you must recognize that the girl you are corresponding with is emotionally fragile. Right now she is unable to respond to you and, frankly, you are not equipped to help her. It's good that she is in the hospital because that is where she needs to be until she can be stabilized.

If you continue to stay in touch with her and she tells you again that she is suicidal, you should ask her where she is and if she has done anything to herself. Then call 911 and report it so she can get help quickly.

DEAR ABBY: What do you do with a husband who is loud and rude, who curses constantly and argues with you and the TV, and is a bully to you and your daughter? -- THAT'S IT IN A NUTSHELL

DEAR THAT'S IT: As little as possible!

DEAR ABBY: I'm writing regarding "Lost for Words" (July 7), who skipped her 10-year high school reunion because she was bullied in school. (She is now receiving Facebook messages from former classmates who want to apologize.)

That letter could have been about me! I was bullied all through school, too. Things were so bad I honestly don't know how I kept it together. I never even told my parents how bad it was until years after I had graduated.

My class (1972) had their 10-year reunion and I went, although I almost didn't because I was scared. When I got there, I was given hugs by classmates. Some of them apologized, and it was wonderful. I enjoyed myself so much that I helped organize our 20th and 25th reunions.

"Lost," you can either keep reliving those painful moments and continue to suffer, or rise above it, prove to your classmates and yourself that they can't hurt you anymore and get to know each other now as peers.

Counseling helped me to learn to deal with bad things in my life. Don't get me wrong, I still have some issues and life isn't always easy, but I have learned to let go and forgive these people. They, too, have grown up and are now mature adults who know right from wrong. -- CATHY IN ESTERHAZY, CANADA

DEAR CATHY: Thank you for sharing your experience and insights along with many other readers who were bullied in school. One common denominator in their letters was the word "forgiveness." Interestingly, I received none from the bullies themselves! Read on:

DEAR ABBY: As middle school teachers, we do our best to curtail abuse, but it happens behind the scenes. The targets can remain bullied for years, as the writer expressed. It is sad that this person is affected to this day, 10 years after graduation.

I agree the target has no obligation to forgive the bullies, but this would be a perfect time to send a strong message to them via her Facebook page. An article on the effects of bullying could be posted with a message that if the bullies truly want forgiveness, they should pass this life lesson on to their children who may be engaged in similar behavior. -- MARY ANN IN NEW YORK

DEAR ABBY: When I attended my 10th reunion, the people who had bullied me apologized and I told them I forgave them. I just attended my 30th reunion, and some of the same bullies asked again for my forgiveness. They are in a self-imposed prison of guilt from which they will be free only when they can accept that I forgive them. My advice to "Lost" is to respond to the Facebook messages with a thank-you, and leave it at that. -- DAWNA IN MONTANA

DEAR ABBY: Three years ago, I went to my 50th. It was the only reunion I ever attended. Halfway through the event, the "bully brigade" came up to me to apologize for their behavior. I hadn't thought about it and was having a great time. But suddenly, I was emotionally thrown back into those years of hating school because of how I was treated.

On my way out, I confronted the worst bully. I told her her apology was not accepted, and they could all keep their apologies and hold onto their guilt for another 50 years. The minute I said it, it was like a great burden had been lifted from my shoulders. -- ANNE IN OHIO

DEAR ABBY: I was a late bloomer. When the time came for my 30th reunion, I was a successful, confident millionaire with a knockout blond wife, and I looked years younger than my age. My classmates were bald, wrinkled or saggy. There was no 40th reunion -- they had all given up. Living well really is the best revenge. -- HAPPY IN THE SOUTH